The Hardest Thing
by unforgiven601030
Summary: Grillows Sad Story ::He knew what they were doing was wrong. She didn’t deserve this. He couldn’t keep doing this. It was time to choose.:: I was listening to the song 'Hardest Thing' by 98º and I was feeling depressed.
1. Chapter 1

The Hardest Thing

By: iferleigh

Rating: T (just in case)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone. Though I sure wish I did...

Note: I hit a bit of a block on my other fic so I took a break with this one. I hope you all like it even if this is a sad Grillows fic. I'm not sure if this is a one shot or not. Review and let me know!

Summary: He knew what they were doing was wrong. She didn't deserve this, He couldn't keep doing this. It was time to choose.

Chapter One: Goodbye

She lay next to him, breathing softly, evenly as the sheets pooled around her body, twisted and rumpled. She had a small soft smile playing on her lips and she sighed softly as she dreamt. He strawberry blonde hair lay fanned out around her, making her look angelic and peaceful, beautiful.

He on the other had sat up, his back against the headboard of her bed, looking at her and observing how beautiful she looked as she slept. He saw how peaceful she looked, relieved that she was sleeping alright after the case they just dealt with. She looked beautiful yes and he was so sorry he had to ruin everything while she slept, knowing not what lay ahead of her.

He wanted to hold her, pull her close to him and tell her over and over that he loved her and he loved her with all his heart. He wanted to make things perfect, to just be with her and her only…but it wasn't fair, it wasn't right. He had Sara and she needed him.

Yes, it was true. Sara needed him and for some reason that no one would ever know how to explain why, he liked to be needed. Sara was like a lost child, which in a sense she was, and he loved how she always turned to him for comfort, for love. He was lost, he knew that, but she was even more lost than him and she turned to him because he was the only one she felt safe enough with.

Sara let him break through her walls, she let him see her cry and she allowed him to hold her. She needed him, plain and simple, and he needed someone to need him.

He turned to the woman whose bed he had lain many times now. She was still asleep, still unaware, still smiling softly coocooned in the arms of her dreams. He ran his hands over her hair in a ghostly touch, his hands light as a feather as he touched the golden locks he loved. He always admired her, admired everything about her, and she needed him.

Needed. Past tense type of needed.

In the past she did.

In the past she needed him when she was still dancing, selling herself to live and get by, she needed him when she was falling in and out of love with her future husband then later ex-husband, she needed him when she was in too deep with her addiction to cocaine, she needed him when she was pregnant with a husband who was too high to care, she needed him when her husband was hurting her, she needed him when she was trying to leave her husband, she needed him when she caught her husband with another woman, she needed him when she was trying to carry on after the divorce. She _needed_ him.

Now she was her own person, living and fighting for herself and her daughter. She didn't need him anymore, but she wanted him in her bed even if it meant being the other woman like the one she caught her dead-ex-husband with. She wanted him.

But what good did that do to him? For years he loved her, for years he watched her be with guy-after-guy, bum-after-bum, never seeing how he always cared for her and tried to be everything for her. She didn't see him as anything but a geeky friend, never someone she could love and be with, spend the rest of her life with.

She was always out, looking for love, looking for someone, wanting someone else. And it was never him. She wanted someone and it wasn't him.

He loved her, he did, but she didn't love him, not the way he wanted her to.

Sara did. She loved and needed him and only him.

And he made a promise and after breaking them, while she lay at their house with their dog, Hank, he was determined not to break his promises again. This time he was ready to make a real commitment, to make her trust in him true.

Even if it meant leaving the woman he let himself fall pathetically in love with.

Even if it hurt.

She had hurt him before by marrying someone else, by being doing drugs, by having a child with someone else, by looking for someone else, by sleeping in another man's bed, even by flirting with someone else.

Another one wouldn't hurt and this time it would be just a little different because he would cause himself the hurting and not her. Another hurt wouldn't hurt.

He felt her shift underneath his soft touch, smiling as she leaned into his touch, feeling him as she slept. He almost abandoned his plan.

But then Sara's face came to his mind. Big brown eyes, filled with tears, brown hair in her face, tears running down her flushed cheeks, hands balled into fists, body shaking…

He leaned down and placed a soft kiss onto her forehead, brushing away the golden locks that strayed on her pretty face. He wished, before he decided to go, to see her blue eyes, beautiful blue eyes that sometimes, when his mind would decide to play tricks on him, would mirror love when she would look at him and smile at him.

He sighed softly as he eased off the bed, reading the time and seeing that it was one in the afternoon and in a few hours Lindsey would be home. He decided that it was time to go. He picked up his clothes, getting dressed quietly as not to disturb her.

He thought about how this would change everything, wondering how he could be like a coward and just leave while she slept and dreamt. But he couldn't face her then leave her, didn't want to see the look of rage on her face after he'd been forced to tell her the truth. He knew he wanted to leave this way, with her sleeping and content, smiling softly in bliss. He didn't want to see her look at him with hate. For she would hate him for this, for what he was doing. For what he was doing to her. He wasn't ready for that.

He would tell her that night, before shift would start, he would tell her his decision and beg her to understand. It would be difficult at first for him, her and everyone, but later they would work it all out as they always have. In time, after they all heal and get over it all, they will be okay.

He wished.

He hoped.

He prayed.

He slid on his socks then his shoes and sat on the bed, his shoulders slumped. He looked back at her and wished things had been easier. She was still breathing deep, the smile still on her lips and she sighed once more, softly, blissfully.

He almost didn't want to go.

Then Sara came to his mind again and he decided.

Sara was the one for him and this game they were both playing behind her back had to end now before Sara found out and she got hurt. He had to end it before thing would inevitably spin out of control until no one would be left to save or heal.

He looked at her sadly then leaned to kiss her once more on the forehead, inhaling the scent that was her and committed it to memory while mustering up the courage to finally get up and leave her bed, her life and her. He knew it was the last time he would be able to smell her sweet scent.

Stood up and began to walk towards her door, never looking back.

Then it came. "Gil?"

He froze in his steps, hating how wishes came true. Why did this one have to come true? He didn't mean it. He didn't.

Wishes weren't meant to come true. He always thought they were just stupid childish crap fairytales fed to children. He, as a child, didn't believe them then. What about now?

"Gil?" she said again and he felt and heard her get up.

He took a silent deep breath and turned to her, seeing how she propped herself up with her elbows, her hair around her in a sexy-just-got-out-of-bed way. She was sexy without meaning it, even when she just woke up. That was just the way she was.

She looked at him inquisitively. "Why are you so dressed? Isn't it a bit too early?" she asked after glancing at the alarm clock next to her bed. She held the sheets to her chest.

He swallowed an unfamiliar lump in his throat. "I have to go, Cath."

She nodded. "Did you get called in? God, don't people know you actually need sleep and…"

"No, Cath," he said softly. "No, I didn't get called in. I have to go." This was harder than he thought.

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh. Something happen?"

He shook his head. "I don't know how to say this…"

"Then don't."

He looked at her, wondering if he was actually seeing fear and pain on her pretty face. "Catherine…"

She sat up fully, pushing her body up and holding the sheets pressed to her body. "What, Gil?"

"I have to go," he said softly.

"You already said that." She wasn't making this easy for him just as he had suspected.

He shook his head. "No, Cath, I have to go. I can't do this anymore."

Her brow knitted. "What do you mean 'this'?"

He motioned between them. "Us, Catherine, I can't do this anymore. It's not fair to you, to me and especially not to Sara…"

Her face fell and she knew what he was saying, what he was trying to say. "Oh."

He nodded. "I have to go, Catherine…"

"I'll see you tonight?" she asked, albeit hopefully as she looked at him with such vulnerability he almost had to force himself not to run back to her bed and hold her and forget everything.

But he couldn't do that. He was already hurt now, he wouldn't be able to take much more when things would inevitably fall apart between them should they pursue a relationship. If he allowed that to happen, she would be truly gone and he didn't know how he would be able to take that.

It simply wasn't meant to be.

"Uhm, no," he said softly. "I'm sorry, Catherine, I can't do this anymore."

"Gil…" she said softly.

He thought he could see hurt written on her pretty face. "I have to go now."

"You weren't planning to say goodbye," she said softly, looking down at her lap.

"I-I didn't know what to say…"

"Stay," she said softly, but didn't look at him. "You kissed me like you meant it, you… you held me tight and you loved me…you showed me you loved me…"

He shook his head, wondering whether she was really broken up that he was leaving or that someone was leaving her once more. He steeled himself to say the words he thought he never could say. "I can't stay, Catherine. I'm sorry." He pretended not to hear the rest of what she said.

"Why not?" she asked softly as she lifted her head to look at him, hurt visibly written on her face.

"Sara," he said simply. "I care a lot about her, she trusts me and I promised so much. I never thought I could betray her like this, I can't do this anymore. I can't hurt her like this. She doesn't deserve it…she deserves so much better than this."

She took a deep, shuddering breath. "What about me?"

His eyes fell to the floor and his feet. "She loves me, Catherine."

She nodded. "Then who am I to stand in the way then, right?" she asked with a small, sad smile on her face. "If you love her…"

He closed his eyes. "I do." He tried to pretend he wasn't talking about Sara, knowing that was the only way he could keep his own secret and not get hurt.

She nodded. "Yes, she does love you. Very much."

"I don't know what I would do if she found out," he said softly. "She doesn't deserve to be hurt like this, Catherine. She deserves better than this..."

"I understand," she said softly. "You love her."

He nodded. "I'm sorry if I hurt you like this, Catherine."

She shook her head. "No, it's…my fault. I shouldn't have let this happen. After Eddie…I should know better how this would hurt her. Like it hurt me…"

He nodded. "You loved him."

"Once upon a time," she said with a sad smile, nodding slowly. "I'm sorry…for letting this happen."

He shook his head. "It's both our faults…we'll just…"

"Forget it," she said softly.

He nodded. "Yes, forget." He knew he would never forget. He would treasure the memories.

She smiled. "Then you should go…"

He nodded. "Yes, I should."

"She's waiting."

"She is." He looked at her. "I'm sorry, Catherine…I hope this doesn't ruin…"

"Nothing's changed," she said, forcing out a smile. "Well other than this," she motioned to her sheet clad body. "But we'll work it out…we always do."

"Thank you," he said sincerely.

"Just go."

He took one last look at her and she looked away, preferring to look at the floor. He wondered if she was actually starting to cry. He wondered if she was actually trying to hide her tears. He wondered if he was just imagining things to make himself feel better. He wondered…

He shook his head and decided for the final time what he had to do. He turned to leave. It was time to go. "Goodbye, Catherine…"

"I'll be seeing you tonight," she said quietly.

He nodded though she could not see him. He turned to the door and walked out without a sound, his feet light and soundless against her bedroom floor.

Then he was gone. The silent shut of her door letting her know he was gone for good.

She waited until she heard the familiar sound of an engine starting and the SUV pulling out.

It was then when Catherine Willows allowed herself to break down and cry.


	2. Chapter 2

Hardest Thing

By: iferleigh

Rating: T (just in case)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone.

Notes: I was really floored when I saw the reviews. Now I'm scared to post this because I might disappoint you guys. Let me know if it absolutely sucks so I won't have to keep going. I anxious about how you guys would react to chapter two. This sucks.

Things get bad here, but I promise I will fix it soon. This is definitely **Grillows**.

Chapter Two: Over

Catherine slid her clothes on, opting to wear a yellow button down blouse and a pair of black slacks. She decided to wear something bright to contrast with her mood, broken. She knew if she looked her best no one would see through her except maybe for the one who caused her to feel this way.

He had caused this; he would see this, right? Something so real, so recent and so obvious to them both. Right? He was blind but he couldn't be this blind and unfeeling, right?

Gil was a blind man when it came to reading people's emotions—the morning's conversation had proved that to her. He could read the guiltiest of men and the best actors, but not when it came to the matters of the heart and things that didn't involve the law, blood and death, crime and punishment. He was oblivious to the people around him, even and especially when it came to Catherine. It had taken him years to actually pursue something with her only to end it the way he had, claiming Sara loved him. Obviously thinking and saying, she, Catherine didn't love him.

"_She loves me, Catherine."_

She wanted to scream, _"And what about me? I love you, you oblivious, confused, closed off idiot! I love you as I have had for…"_ She wasn't sure how long anymore. She just did. She always had and she hated to admit, even in her thoughts, always will.

She pulled on her black boots, trying hard not to think anymore of what had happened that morning. She knew what they were doing couldn't last, it wasn't right and he was bound to see that.

Only she hadn't expected it to be this soon.

She looked at her watch and mused sadly, 'Three weeks, two days, sixteen hours…' was the exact time she and Gil had shared before he ended things with her that morning.

She hated herself for so many reasons, but the most she hated about herself at the moment was the fact that she let herself do something she swore she would never do, something she always said no man was worth doing it for—being the other woman.

It had hurt and killed her when Eddie had done it to her and now she was playing the part he had played and she felt like trash.

She and Sara were never really best friends that much was obvious and they had their moments, but no one deserved to be treated like this. Catherine knew how wrong she was and how much hurt she had caused or would cause Sara whether she knew it or will ever know it. It would hurt as it had hurt Catherine and that ate at her, gnawed her soul with unending guilt.

But then she knew if she had a chance to go back and change everything, she wouldn't,

She never would, she knew, because every time she spent with Gil loving her, holding her and kissing her was worth it all. She knew she sounded like a vile, common, lawless harlot, but she knew that was the truth. She lost him, but was given a chance to have him, even just for a while and she took it.

But then as she thought about it, what she did and what Eddie did was different for she had done it with love and she loved Gil. Love was fickle in every way, it could be something unattainable, mysterious, complicated and unexplainable, but she had learned just then that when you loved someone so much, you forget everything else. The truth, the right from wrong, the aftermath and whoever was in the way.

Yes, she loved him and lost him then was given a tempting chance to have him and she took it. She was wrong, but she loved him, still loves him and would do it once more if he should come back to her…

She hated how wrong she sounded and how right it seemed at the same time.

She hated how her logical reminded her that maybe she was telling this to herself just to calm the raging hurt and the gnawing guilt she felt. _'Maybe the worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves…'_

Catherine shook her head, relieved that for once her used-to-be estranged father had done something helpful for once by taking Lindsey for the weekend at the ranch. That was another part of her life, after three years of finding out the truth and staying away from Sam Braun, Catherine finally relented and after her mother. Lily pleaded in tears along with the sulky-sullen Lindsey to give her father another chance and be a real family for the first time. Her mother was still in love, after so many years and so many wrongs, Lily still loved Sam Braun.

And so it seemed, he never stopped loving her too.

Now she understood her parents and the love they couldn't seem to deny or stay away from.

And she hated how alone they made her feel while they spent their days and nights together, out in the open, in love and happy without a touch of guilt or deceit. After so many years, so many tears they were still in love and now they had each other in each other's arms. She was left to wonder now if time would be kind enough to at least grant her the same fate when she'd be as old as her mother.

She would be old, her beauty would most likely be gone by then, but if she had Gil and another chance at love, _his _love, she wouldn't care. If she had him with her, that would be her happiness. She could live without her outer, physical beauty but not without Gil.

She loved him, why couldn't he see that?

-o0o-

Catherine knew she was cutting it close, arriving late and just in time as Gil was handing out assignments in the break room. Nick and Warrick were just coming out, Greg tailing behind and they smiled at her playfully.

"How nice of you to show up, Ms, Willows," Nick drawled out with a grin. "Date hold you up?"

"Cat got some play?" Greg teased along. "Meow."

She shot them a glare, immediately shutting them up and erasing the grins and smiles from their faces.

"What's up, Cath?" Warrick asked. He could always see through her. She hated that, especially now.

She realized she hated so many things today.

"Nothing," she said tersely as she slipped into the break room to find Sara, standing right next to Gil, talking. The secret couple looked up to see her standing y the doors.

Sara smiled, "Hey Catherine."

Gil just looked at her, his perfect blank look in place as always, but she could see his unease and worry. "Catherine. We already handed out assignments, we don't have much tonight."

"She can go with us," Sara said easily. "We've got 3 DB's."

Gil looked at Sara then at Catherine who was shaking her head. "If you don't mind…" she began. "I think I'll stay in, I have some backlogged paperwork to get to."

Sara looked at her with a puzzled expression and Catherine understood: everyone knew she hated paperwork just as much as Gil and the only difference between them was that she still finished them all in time almost always. "Sure?"

Catherine nodded. "Yeah, I'll take a call if it comes," she said, relieved that she sounded normal then. She turned to leave only to find herself in face to face with Conrad Ecklie. "Conrad."

"Willows," Conrad said and she stepped aside and began to walk away. "I need to speak with you."

She stopped dead in her tracks and turned to the Assistant Director. "What?"

Conrad nodded. "You too, Grissom. My office, now."

"Well, I'm sorry, Conrad, but you'll have to wait," Gil said coldly. "I have a triple homicide to get to."

"No, you don't," Conrad snapped. "The Undersheriff is waiting and he wants you and Willows to report to immediately. I'm pulling in Morales from swing, he's on call."

Gil shook his head, glaring at his long term rival. He handed the case slip to Sara, "I'll try to catch up when I finish my little date with McKeen."

Sara nodded. "Okay."

"Willows," Conrad barked and motioned for Catherine to follow.

She was tempted to snap a remark to him about not being a dog, but she decided to hold back. She was upset and if she started lashing out on the prick Assistant Director, she wouldn't be able to stop and wind up getting suspended or worst, fired. She wasn't about to let him win.

Catherine followed the Assistant Director wordlessly, surprising her night shift colleagues and the small audience of lab rats they managed to attract. It was unusual for Catherine Willows to just meekly follow when Conrad was being his usually prick self.

Sara looked at Gil nervously as they watched the retreating backs of Conrad and Catherine. "What do you think he's up to now?"

Gil shrugged. "Don't know, but he's wound up and McKeen is here."

"What if…"

"If they knew, they would call you with me," Gil said, cutting her off reassuringly. "Don't worry, we're fine. Probably just a surprise evaluation."

She smiled. "Then it's a good thing we finished your paperwork on time, Mr. Grissom," she teased.

He shook his head with a small grin. "Go and have fun with the dead body, I'll be there when we're done." He squeezed her hand quickly and easily. "Take care."

"You too," she said with a smile and slipped out of the room.

Gil sighed as he watched her go, his mind mulling over the reasons why they were being called in this time. He shrugged, feeling anger boil within him once more for being pulled out of a potentially good case. It could have been good.

-o0o-

"How nice of you to finally join us, Grissom," Conrad said sarcastically as Gil slipped into his office to find Catherine sitting in front of Conrad's table with the undersheriff sitting right across from her. The empty seat next to her, right in front of Conrad was his only option.

Gil shook his head. "Well, Conrad, if you hadn't pulled me out so suddenly about a case that needed my attention and asked for another, more convenient time then maybe you wouldn't have had to wait longer with the undersheriff."

"I'm afraid this can't wait, Gil," the undersheriff said. "Take a seat."

Gil did as he was asked and sat down, casting Catherine an imperceptible glance. She didn't look at him or indicate she was aware of his presence, instead she say, her face impassive as she looked at Undersheriff McKeen. "So, to what do we owe this pleasure to be here, Undersheriff?"

Undersheriff McKeen straightened his impeccable suit and sat up in his chair. "After all the years you two have worked in this lab, I'm sure you're both well aware of the lab policy regarding relationships between superior and subordinates."

Catherine's heart almost stopped as she choked out, "What?"

"Lab policy against an intimate relationship between a superior and a subordinate," McKeen said coolly. "You are well aware of that, Willows."

Gil shook his head, trying to look unaffected when truly he was getting worried. "What is this about exactly?"

McKeen looked at Conrad who nodded and produced an envelope from behind his back. He leered at Catherine and let the contents of the envelope drop onto the table in front of her and Gil. "This is exactly what we're talking about," he said as Catherine leaned forward, her expression instantly hardening as she looked at the various photographs that were spread out in front of her.

"You had us tailed?" Gil snapped as he glared at Conrad who had a self-satisfied look on his face. "How low are you willing to go, Conrad?"

The undersheriff cleared his throat. "We launched this formal investigation, Grissom and right now this is an inquiry on you and Willows."

"You and Willows have broken lab policy, Grissom," Conrad said with a delighted smile. "How long have you and Willows been intimate?"

Gil looked at the pictures of him and Catherine in various moments, some hugging, some holding hands, some kissing or in a more than friendly hug. He stared at the pictures hard.

"Willows?" Conrad asked Catherine who looked at him defiantly.

"If you have been tailing us well, Conrad, you would know another important fact," Catherine said coldly. She wasn't about to back down.

"And what would that be?" Conrad said sarcastically.

Gil looked at Catherine, fearful that she might actually bring Sara into this, wondering if she was hurt and angry enough to do something like that. "Cath…"

"You would know that Grissom and I broke it off this morning," she said quietly, but her eyes remained hard and defiant against Conrad Ecklie.

"How convenient," Conrad said with a smile. "But a picture is worth a thousand words, Catherine and this," he motioned to the one with Gil's arm around her waist as she was opening the front door of her house. "Says otherwise; it was taken after shift."

Catherine crossed her arms over her chest. "Believe what you want, Conrad, but it's true. Grissom broke it off this morning."

Gil looked away, from her, hating that he could actually hear the hurt underneath the harsh tone she carried. She was hurt he knew, but he wondered just how much more it hurt for her to reveal everything to a couple of bastard strangers in an attempt to save them both.

"Regardless," McKeen said. "This is not a no harm, no foul scenario." He laced his fingers together as he laid them in front of him. "In cases like these, you both know the course of action we are inclined to take."

"Termination," Gil said coldly, clenching his fists.

"You knew the rules damn well, Grissom and Willows knows them well I'm sure. You broke the lab policy and you risked the integrity of this lab." He shook his head. "See what happens when press gets a hold of this, I can just see the goddamned headlines now: CSI supervisor screws a subordinate! Ha! I hope you have an idea what hell we'll have to go through for that!"

Conrad smirked, choking a little as he tried to swallow a laugh.

"Every case you worked on, every murderer, rapist, killer, thief and god knows what will get another shot at getting out!" McKeen thundered. "Every case you worked on will be reviewed and damn it, we know that's at least twenty goddamned years of cases!"

Gil shook his head. "The integrity of the lab and all the political crap we deal with."

"As said, immediate termination," McKeen nodded and decided to let it slide. "Yes, but I talked to the sheriff and we agreed on something…less caustic."

Gil loosened his fists a little, in the corner of his eyes, as he looked at the undersheriff he could see Conrad trying hard not to object, biting his tongue no doubt. "And what would that be?"

"You two get to decide who should resign," Conrad said with a smile. "To make it easier on you two, Gil. You or Willows."

McKeen nodded. "While you two are two incredible assets to the number two lab in the country, we cannot risk your past or your present to ruin what we have worked so hard to built. You could compromise everything. We did not get to top two for nothing."

Gil shook his head. "I worked my ass off to get this lab to the top and you know that."

"Then the answer should be obvious then," Conrad said, looking at Catherine who looked impassive and expressionless, her face seemed frozen with no emotion.

Gil shook his head. "It isn't. She's as much an asset to this lab as I am."

The undersheriff shook his head. "I beg to differ."

"No!" Grissom said, slapping the palm of his hand on the desk in front of him. "She's one of the top Blood Spatter Analysts in this country! She's damned good and you know it!"

Conrad shook his head. "If you believed that she was such and asset, you wouldn't have risked her career like this."

Gil shook his head. "We successfully left out our relationship in this job, doesn't that tell you something? We are capable enough to separate our work and our lives."

"If you did it so successfully then how did we start suspecting?" Conrad asked. "It's a small town and an even smaller lab, Gil, people talk. Remember what they say about glass houses."

Gil clenched his fist. "Office gossip? This is what this is all about?"

Undersheriff McKeen shook his head. "No, Grissom, this is all about you and Willows screwing around when you both damned well know it's against policy."

"So you mean to say that while we're working our asses off for this lab, we can't have a life of our own? That we have to just stop living and give everything to this lab?" Grissom said.

"Don't even dare preach about that, Gil," Conrad said with a smile. "You started that whole trend."

Gil shook his head. "That's bull and you know it, we're entitled to have a life of our own."

"Just as long as it doesn't jeopardize the lab," McKeen said with a shrug. "So, you decide, right here, right now and no one will have to know the real story other than me, Conrad Ecklie, You, Willows and the Sheriff. You or Willows…"

"I'm still here, in case you forgot," Catherine said, her blue eyes blazing and her fists clenched. "And the name's Catherine, if you don't mind."

Conrad smiled at her feistiness. "Of course. Do you have anything to add?"

Gil turned to Catherine, speaking directly to her for the first time since the meeting began. "Catherine, you can't let them do this…"

She shook her head, but didn't look or acknowledge him. "We started a relationship when we were both fully aware of the policies and the consequences; we compromised the lab and broke protocol. I am his subordinate and I engaged in an intimate relationship with my supervisor."

Conrad nodded. "That's pretty much it."

Catherine nodded and stood up. All the men looked up at her as she seemed to tower over them as they sat. "Then we all know what happens now, right?" She unclipped her gun and took out her badge.

Gil's eyes grew wide. "Catherine…"

"My gun and my badge," she said, looking right at the undersheriff. "You will receive my resignation letter by the end of the week and I will have most of my personal things out tonight, should I leave anything, I'll come back, but I'm certain that by the end of this week, I'm gone."

Conrad looked at Gil with a small, arrogant smile. His smile was suppressed victory.

"Are you sure about this decision, Willows? You have a daughter, don't forget that," McKeen said, looking at little crestfallen. He had always favored her more than her supervisor. She knew how to play politics better than Gil ever could. She was a loss, for sure.

She nodded. "As long as you stand by your word that no one is to know about this."

The undersheriff nodded. "No one," he looked at the badge and the gun in front of him. "You were a good CSI, Catherine. It's a shame it has to end this way."

She nodded. "I'm sure Conrad feels the same way."

Gil shook his head, snapping himself out of his shock. "Catherine, it doesn't have to be this way."

She turned to him, looking down on him with emotionless blue eyes that scared him. Never before had he seen her look defeated, not even when she was in an abusive marriage with her late ex-husband, Eddie. "It has to, you know that. We don't want anyone else hurt by this."

He looked at her, realizing what she meant. She was trying to protect him, his career and Sara.

McKeen stood up, holding out his hand. "Ms. Willows…"

She shook her head. "I'd like to start removing my things tonight, if possible." She turned away from the offered hand and gave Conrad a small glance before turning around to the door.

McKeen nodded. "Of course…"

With her head held high, her strides sure and determined, Catherine Willows walked out of Conrad Ecklie's office without her badge, her gun and her CSI 3 title.

It was over.

-o0o-

I am ducking just in case you're throwing something at me, but I promise I will fix this…what's a Grillows story without and happy ending, right? xoxo


	3. Chapter 3

Hardest Thing

By: iferleigh

Rating: T (just in case)

Disclaimer: The ones you know aren't mine and the ones you don't know are mine.

Note: Thank you so much for the reviews! I was surprised to see them, honestly. Thanks so much for reading, I really appreciate it!

Note2: Things will get un-CSI for Catherine in this fic. Sam Braun will play his part, but again, this will be Grillows…soon.

Things will be better…soon.

-o0o-

Chapter Three: Gone

Gil glared at Conrad, his blue eyes blazing. "This is a whole new low, even for you, Ecklie," he said coldly as he stood up to follow Catherine. He pushed his chair back, the legs scratching angrily against the tiled floors of the Assistant Director's office.

"Where are you going, Grissom?" Undersheriff McKeen said. "We're not finished yet."

"I am," Gil said coldly, his eyes now fixed on the graying man he had come to hate now more than ever. "You got what you wanted now I'm done."

"No, you're not," McKeen said. "We're not done here so unless you want the entire lab and the rest of Nevada to know your little affair with Willows you will sit back down and finish this."

Gil looked at the undersheriff then at Conrad who had a smile on his face, displaying his obvious glee over his victory. He sat back down, quietly, raging silently as he did so.

"Why are you so upset, Gil? Conrad asked with that same smile. "You did this to her yourself," he leaned forward, clasping his hands together as he looked at his rival. "And as I sit here, I'm starting to think this is exactly what you wanted."

"What are you getting at, Conrad?" Gil asked, balling his hands into fists. He wondered if he could actually punch the dumb bastard.

McKeen turned to Conrad, raising an eyebrow in question. "Conrad?"

Conrad shrugged. "I mean, you both know policy, you know the consequences, and yet you pursued a relationship with her…after what, twenty years of working together? Why now?" he shrugged again. "Leads to question your true intentions in wooing Willows, doesn't it? We all know she's always been your second in command, often taking over or covering your ass when things go wrong and you may be great at what you do, but we know she's just as good, right? You're practically equals."

"We are equals, Conrad, we always have been," Gil said to Conrad, his fists remaining in their tight balls. "She's strong, capable, driven and intelligent."

"But there is one thing she's always bested you out on, right?"

"And what would that be?" Gil asked sarcastically, smirking. He knew Catherine was good, but to hear Conrad Ecklie's theory might just be worth a laugh.

"She's always bested you out on politics," Conrad said, glancing at the undersheriff who gave a small, almost imperceptible nod in agreement.

"And I'm supposed to care about that, why?"

Conrad smiled. "You know as well as I do it would have only been about time before she passed you by. She's a good CSI, but she whips your ass when it comes to politics. She would have beaten you to the top. You know how important that is in our line of work."

Gil rolled his eyes.

Conrad smirked. "In fact, she did get the chance to take your position as supervisor, right Gil? What was that? The Strip Strangler case? She could have taken it right then and there, but she was too loyal, right? Refused after saying she wanted it out of merit and not because her current supervisor was and still is socially inept and tone deaf when it comes to politics."

Gil smirked. "You're right…"

Conrad raised an eyebrow, "What?"

"You're right," Gil said, nodding. "Politics is an important part of our line of work." He nodded at the undersheriff. "And you, Conrad, lie as proof. You failed your way as a CSI, right up to the top, but you make a damned good politician and now, undeservingly, you're the miserable Assistant Director. Politics trump CSI? That says a lot of the importance of politics."

Conrad's eyes hardened. "So you admit that you pursued a relationship with Catherine Willows to stop her from bypassing you professionally?"

Gil shook his head. "Unlike you, I would never do something like that. Unlike you, I have a sense of loyalty and I happen to value her friendship well. If not for you, she would have made it to the top and maybe in the process while she's at it, kick your arrogant ass off your own position, yeah, I would have been proud of her. She worked hard and she deserved all the credit and merit that came her way."

"But that's not going to happen now, right?" Conrad said with a grin. "You single handedly took all that away from her. Good job, Gil, what happens to her now? Her daughter, what was her name? Lindsey? She's what, sixteen or fifteen?"

Gil balled his fists tighter and gave the Assistant Director a death glare with all the hate he had in him. "Go to hell, Conrad."

"Thanks to you, it's all over for Catherine," Conrad said. "Now tell me, is that love?"

He was met by silence.

"Yes, obviously she loves you enough to sacrifice all her hard work for you, but what about you? Would you have done the same thing?" Conrad baited him, but Gil didn't dare bite.

Conrad smiled at his continuous silence. "No, I don't think you would have done it. If you wanted to, you would have fought harder, maybe convince her to stay so you can go…Ain't loyalty grand?"

McKeen looked at the CSI supervisor, his fists now white. "I think that's enough, Conrad." He actually feared a brawl. How would he explain that to the Sheriff and the Mayor?

Conrad shook his head. "You're right. Gil's done his job and Catherine's gone. Let's discuss about what happens now, alright?"

Gil glared at him.

Conrad's brows furrowed. "Although… I do have one more thing to clarify."

"What?" Gil gritted out.

"It's not big deal, really, but," he shook his head. "What did you mean when you said 'you valued her _friendship_'? It's odd because aren't you supposed to be in a _relationship_?"

McKeen looked at Gil who could only stare.

-o0o-

Catherine didn't slam the office door, not wanting to attract anymore attention. Her mind was focused on one thing now: getting out. She walked ahead and with the air of purpose as she headed straight to her office. It was time to go.

She closed her door softly, acting oblivious to the staring lab rats. Out of the corner of her eyes she saw David Hodges and Bobby Dawson, both looking at her as she passed. She didn't dare acknowledge them, fearing the conclusions they might draw on their own.

She sat in her chair, staring at her neat office. She took a good hard look before bending to retrieve her purse from the locked drawer and a box.

She grabbed the frame with the picture of her daughter, where underneath that lay an old picture of her and Gil, sometime fifteen or thirteen years back when they were still young and things weren't as complicated.

It was a time there was no Sara yet.

She grabbed what was most important, what she couldn't afford to leave behind. She picked up the small paperweight she got from Gil after his travels from Brazil years ago. It was a preserved butterfly with powder blue wings with black specs. It was one of the rarest, most beautiful butterflies, according to him. He said that the blues on the wings reminded him of her eyes so he just had to buy it. And he did, just for her.

She wondered whether she should take it, but decided against it.

He hadn't come after her and maybe that was a sign: get out of my life or something like that.

She set the paper weight down on her desk, smiling wistfully as wisps of memories played in her mind. So many memories, but she was saddened that some of them were already fading away.

She grabbed her CSI vest and tore her name off of it carefully, tucking the small piece of fabric bearing her name underneath the paperweight. She picked out her books from around the office, wondering why as she did so when she might not even need them anymore.

She left some books, some with her name, some without. She knew someone might stumble upon it and find it useful to read. She hoped it would be Greg who always hungered for knowledge.

She smiled softly at the 'sponge' memory.

"_I'm like a sponge…I just absorb everything!"_

It would be hard to forget someone like him, childishly cute, but oh so brilliant and genuine. He was a rare gem and she was glad to have known a young genius/mad scientist like him.

Her eyes fell on an old book, frayed at the edges from years of being read and reread. It was a book on blood spatter, a graduation gift from Gil she always treasured.

She decided to leave that too. Greg would find it more useful now.

Sighing, she spotted a small ticket stub. She smiled, realizing it was from the football game she and Nick and Warrick had gone to see once. She took it and inserted it securely in her wallet.

She wanted to keep that.

A picture caught her eye and she smiled once more. It was a picture of the short-lived Swing Shift team: Nick, Warrick and her, smiling with their arms around each other after solving an easy case one day. She remembered they'd asked a police officer to take that picture.

She knew she'd miss them most. They were 'her guys' after all.

She filled her small box in no time with books, pictures, pieces of paper and the things she thought would make her office a little homier and less lonely and cold.

Catherine looked around, noting what she would most likely go back for and what she didn't care enough to come back for. She laid her vest on the top of her desk, next to the paperweight and the old book. She fingered the material softly, her smooth skin trailing against the black fabric, the CSI LV and the LVPD logo in white and blue.

Catherine took a deep breath as she put on her coat and grabbed her purse and her small bag of the extra clothes she always kept handy at work. She looked around. Only papers, folders and some books were left. Nothing that showed she was once there was left except for the things she left on her desk.

There was no cake in the break room, no team waiting to say goodbye and no goodbyes to be said to. She wondered if anyone had expected her departure to be just as Gil described his to be.

-o0o-

Conrad looked at Gil. "So, what did you mean by that?"

"As said, we broke up, but," Gil took a deep breath. "I'd rather be just friends with her than lose her entirely..." he was amazed as to how easily the excuse slipped from his lips. He chalked it up to survival instinct for him, for Catherine and Sara.

McKeen shook his head. "Gil, I don't know, but do you think after this she'll still agree to that?"

Gil shrugged, but stared at the undersheriff. He hadn't known the man was capable of human logic that did not involve politics in any way.

"I'd be surprised if she didn't hate you," Conrad said with a shrug. "She was a good CSI. She might even deck you. She's a feisty one."

"And I lost her," Gil said, more to himself than to the other two in front of him.

McKeen looked at Conrad for a moment before nodding.

"All right," Conrad said. "What are we going to say about this Willows business?"

Gil shrugged. "This was your plan, you deal with it."

"This is your mess, you help deal with it," Conrad snapped.

Gil glared at him.

McKeen shook his head. "I don't know what the problem between you two is, but could you please shove that aside for a minute and let's finish discussing this? Grissom has got a triple waiting and I have places to go."

Conrad looked at Gil before nodding. "Either we announce she resigned—"

"Not possible," Gil said, shaking his head. "People will start asking questions. Everyone knows she loves this job. Why would she resign?"

"Maybe she found something better to do," Conrad said sarcastically. "Look, that's not important, Gil, what's important is giving her a clean break."

"And giving the gossip mills ammunition is going to help her get that clean break?" Gil asked with a look of disbelief and amusement. "You're not as smart as you look after all."

Conrad decided to let that slip. "Then maybe she went to dear daddy then, to greener pastures," the Assistant Director said sarcastically. "Not everyday you get a dad like Sam Braun."

McKeen shook his head. "What?"

Gil glared at Conrad.

"Catherine Willows' father is Sam Braun," Conrad said, shrugging at Gil. "She found out a few years back. She hasn't been on any of his cases since then, I assure you. I checked."

Gil marveled at how quick Conrad was to protect Catherine. Maybe he was human after all.

McKeen shook his head. "Damn it, and how the hell did I not know about this?"

Conrad shook his head. "This isn't something we wanted leaked. Very few people know and we prefer it to stay that way."

"Why the hell do we have to keep this quiet?" McKeen asked. "We could have used that to our benefit…" he stopped. "Wait…that case, Nick Stokes…the million dollars donation…"

Gil nodded. "Catherine asked Sam Braun for that to save Nick. No strings attached."

McKeen shook his head. "Unbelievable, and we had it blown up right in front of us? Damn it, with Sam Braun we could have gotten a good alliance with the man!"

Conrad shook his head. "I don't think so, the press would have had a field day. Besides, I don't think advertising that we have Braun's daughter as a CSI would have been a good idea. Think of all the threats that could have come up, putting our CSIs and other people in danger. Sam Braun has a lot of enemies and they are certainly capable of taking his own flesh and blood down."

"And I don't think it would have pleased Braun if he found out we were risking his only daughter's life," Gil mused. "Think of what he would have done."

Conrad nodded, a rare moment that he and his rival agreed on something. "He plays it old Vegas, he can do anything in this town and still slip from our fingers untouched, unscratched."

McKeen nodded. "But…who would have thought Willows was his kid?"

Conrad smirked, looking at Gil. "Trust me, even she had no idea."

McKeen shook his head, realizing he just had to get over it. "So, what to do about Willows?"

Conrad shrugged. "We'll post an official announcement of her resignation maybe after this shift if not earlier. I'll post her resignation letter when we receive it to make it final for everyone. We'll leave it at that, no questions, no answers. She walked out and that's it."

"And when the wheels start turning and the gossip starts boiling?" Gil challenged.

"Let the wheels turn, Gil, you just have to shut up and let it flow," he smirked. "Give them three weeks to one month tops; they'll forget it and her then. We'll hire a new replacement. Maybe even grant another tech who wants to get on the field."

Gil shook his head. "You better explain this to my team, Conrad, because I won't."

Conrad shook his head. "Better concentrate on what's left of your team, Gil, you've lost a good one. You don't want to lose another."

And the threat was loud and clear and Gil knew who his next aim was: Sara.

-o0o-

Catherine squared her shoulders, tightened her coat around her, grabbed her purse and bag and tucked the box on her arm. She tossed her office keys on her desk and took a few deep, calming breaths. She braced herself for what seemed like her last walk down CSI.

She was ready.

Pulling the door open, she was relived to see no one was interested enough to lurk by her office. The lab techs seemed to be in their usual places, even the gossipy David Hodges. She passed the Trace lab and saw him bent over a microscope. She hurried her pace nonetheless.

Next turn, she caught a small glance of Mandy Webster and Wendy Simms, both bent over on Mandy's table, studying something intently and conversing in hushed tones. Catherine let out a breath and kept walking.

She passed by the office that had once been her sanctuary, Gil's office. She looked away and kept walking. She wanted to get out now.

Catherine passed a few detectives, a few police officers who smiled politely at her as she passed. She had one last hurdle left:

Judy, the friendly graveyard shift front desk receptionist.

Catherine tried to walk by, but of course, the ever polite and perky Judy seemed to be her usual self which meant, "Good evening Ms. Catherine! Clocking out early?"

Catherine stopped and smiled. "Yes, Judy. It's a slow night."

The curly haired brunette smiled. "Warrick was looking for you a while ago before he had to go. He said maybe he needed help with his case, a murder at the Bellagio."

Catherine shrugged, trying to look neutral. "I really can't right now, I have to go."

Judy smiled. "That's okay, I'll tell him for you, Ms. Catherine."

Catherine smiled, realizing she'd always liked the perky receptionist, but shed so little effort to get to know her. Now she was starting to feel bad. "Thank you, Judy. Goodbye."

She smiled, "Bye, Ms. Catherine, and good night."

Catherine smiled, nodding as she couldn't wave with the box.

She tried to ease her now growing guilt for leaving like this by saying goodbye to at least someone, "Good night, Judy."

-o0o-

Warrick carried the box of evidence with him, his eyes feeling heavy after processing one of the messiest crime scenes he had ever seen. He was ready to crash, but shift was only half way in. He had a few more hours to go.

He passed by the front desk only to be stopped by a smiling Judy. "Warrick!"

He turned to the brunette. "Hey, Judy, any messages for me?"

She smiled, obviously smitten. Last month it was Nick, now it seemed he was it. "Yes, sort of."

He raised an eyebrow. "What?"

She smiled. "Ms. Catherine clocked out early and said she couldn't help you with your case."

His brow furrowed. "What? She can't have clocked out, she's on call tonight and she's got some paper pushing to do."

Judy shook her head. "No, I think she finished everything already. She left after her meeting with Mr. McKeen, Mr. Ecklie and Mr. Grissom. She left with a small box."

Warrick suddenly felt uneasy, but at the mention of a box he realized he was still holding evidence. "Hey, let me log this in for a minute, okay? I'll be right back. I need to talk to you, Judy."

A giddy smile appeared on her face. "Okay."

Warrick shook his head, wondering why the strawberry blonde would clock out not halfway through shift. He worried it might be something serious. He hoped it wasn't Lindsey.

He logged the evidence in, checking and rechecking them before hurrying back to Judy who was waiting with a smile on her face. "You were saying?"

"Yes?" she asked with a dreamy smile.

"That thing with Catherine," he said. "What did she say?"

Judy shrugged. "Like I said, she had a meeting and left an hour after that. She said she had to go and it was a slow night. I haven't seen Mr. Grissom though. Maybe she talked to him about leaving early. Emergency maybe… though she didn't seem alarmed when she left."

"You said McKeen was here?" Warrick asked, wondering what would have brought the undersheriff in on such an ungodly hour.

Judy nodded. "Yes, I think Mr. Grissom just left the A.D. office."

Warrick nodded. "Thanks, Judy."

She smiled. "No problem, Rick."

He barely noticed her abbreviation of his name as he was making his way to his supervisor's office. Somehow, he felt there was something seriously wrong.

-o0o-

Warrick was making his way to Gil's office when Bobby and Hodges came hurrying up to him. He stopped and looked at them, puzzled at the alarmed looks on their faces. "What? Did you misfire again, Bobby?"

"No! You have to see this!" Bobby said as they pulled him along.

Warrick shook his head. "Not now, I've got to talk to Grissom."

Hodges shook his head. "Trust me; you want to see this before going to Grissom. Add it on your questions list!"

Warrick sighed and followed as the two hurried up to the woman in question's room.

The first thing he noticed was that the lights were off, the next was that Bobby had easily barged in without a key. "Hey, Bobby!" he called out to stop them from invading his friend and colleague's privacy. "Not there!"

But Hodges pulled on.

"Hey!" Warrick said when Bobby snapped the lights on. He stopped dead in his tracks, standing in the doorway of the office. "What the hell…"

Bobby and Hodges looked at him. "Everything's gone!" Bobby stated the obvious, gesturing wildly. "Catherine's things are gone!"

"What happened?" Warrick asked Hodges who shrugged. By then, Mandy and Wendy were now watching close by. Not too far away, Warrick could see Jacqui Franco headed to Mandy's lab.

"Don't know," Hodges said. "We didn't even see her leave."

Warrick shook his head. "Judy…"

"Last we saw was Ecklie calling Catherine and Grissom to his office," Wendy said as she looked into the office. "She's gone?"

Warrick shook his head. "I need to talk to Griss about this."

Flanked by Bobby and Hodges, Warrick knocked into the graveyard shift supervisor's office and came in without waiting for an answer. Mandy and Wendy waited by the doors.

Gil looked at him, his fingers laced together on his desk, a pile of folders on his left and another pile on his right. He looked at the tall African-American.

"Where's Cat?" Warrick asked. "Her office is empty."

"Her things are gone!" Bobby said, repeating what he said a while ago.

"We didn't see her leave," Hodges said, trying to look cool.

Gil took a deep breath. "She quit a few hours ago."

Warrick shook his head. "Not funny, Griss, now where is she? Did she get a new office? Move to days? What? Family emergency? Lindsey?"

"She quit, I told you," Gil said, his face devoid of any emotion. "We had a meeting with the AD and the undersheriff and she quit."

Warrick shook his head and sat down in front of his boss, too shock to do anything else. "Why?"

"I can't tell you, talk to her if you want answers," Gil said, though he doubt he would get an answer from Catherine.

Warrick shook his head. "You mean, just like that…she's gone? Why didn't she say goodbye? Give us a heads up? At least warn us?"

Gil shrugged. "She has her reasons."

Warrick shook his head. "Do they know?"

Gil looked at him. "Who?"

Warrick shrugged. "Brass and the team: Greg and Nick …and Sara."

Gil shook his head. "I doubt that, but soon enough, I'm sure they'll know."

Warrick looked at Gil. "Did she say anything? Where she's going? What she's going to do?"

"No and I don't know anything. I didn't even get to talk to her. She just left."

Warrick sighed, not quite believing it yet. "So she's gone. Just like that. Gone?"

-o0o-

I felt it necessary to put everyone in the lab in, even just for a bit. They're always so overlooked…

Anyway, please, don't hate me for this lame chapter, but soon enough you'll find out what Catherine does and you might probably have an idea now.

Gil still needs to go through a lot of things…what's love without a little pain? Teehee…


	4. Chapter 4

Hardest Thing

By: iferleigh

Rating: T (just in case)

Disclaimer: The ones you know aren't mine and the ones you don't know are mine.

Note: Thank you so much for the fab reviews! I'm so happy! Reviews really get me in the mood to write and so I did!

Note2: Things are taking a big turn starting here so please, don't kill me. Things change, especially Catherine since she's out of CSI now. This'll be Grillows, you'll see. I'd be betraying myself if this doesn't turn into Grillows.

Note3: I know I'm not updating as fast as you want me to, but my grandfather recently got hospitalized and I stayed with him lots. He had a stroke, you see, but now that he's a bit okay now and is at home, I'm the one who's sick this time. It sucks.

More on Sam and Catherine here.

-o0o-

Chapter Four: Running

Catherine drove away without looking back. Her hands gripped the wheel tightly as the wheels in her own mind began to turn. She was starting to think of how to put her life back together now. She had to move on, there was nothing left. It was time to make some changes.

The message had been clear to her: Gil didn't want her.

He had let her walk out, let her take the fall easily, let her leave without so much as going after her. He hadn't fought for her enough. Now she wondered, bitterly, where that left her.

If she had stayed she wondered if she would have lasted long being around him and _her_. She wondered if she would have been able to stand seeing them arrive together, work on a case together, eat together and go _home_ together. She imagined she wouldn't have lasted. There was only so much a person could take. She was strong, but she didn't think she was that strong.

Despite the heartbreak she was facing, she decided to look at this as some sort of blessing. A twisted, cruel, undeniably torturous blessing from the gods; a sign to tell her once and for all she wasn't meant to have Gil Grissom. But she backtracked in her mind and realized this wasn't just a blessing.

It was also a punishment.

For sleeping with someone who was already taken.

For loving someone who was never meant for her.

Catherine, with a heavy heart, accepted her punishment and decided finally that this was how it was supposed to be. She had to leave to give them peace. It was the least she could do.

Her leaving would be part of her penance.

So she drove home and decided it was time for a change in her life.

Catherine packed her clothes in a suitcase and she took what was important: clothes, the photo album of everyone she loved, some important papers, the necklace Eddie had given her that she was planning to give to Lindsey and the ring Sam had given her when she was younger.

She left the beautiful necklace with a butterfly pendant Gil had given her a long time ago.

She didn't want it anymore and convinced herself she didn't want him anymore just as he didn't want her. Never wanted her.

She threw her things in the back of her privately owned Denali and locked her home securely before heading out. Finishing everything, she drove off once more and thought about where she would go now.

She decided to go check in a hotel for the night and forget about everything. She would have all the time in the world for that tomorrow.

Before Catherine knew it she was handing her keys to the valet of the Rampart. She wondered what had possessed her to drive to the casino her father owned. But she decided it was too late and she would have to settle.

Then she realized she didn't really care.

She approached the front desk and the smiling blonde receptionist. "Good evening, welcome to the Rampart Casino. Checking in?"

She nodded. "Yes."

"A room for one, Miss…?"

"Catherine Flynn," the name slipped easily from her lips.

Rachel, her name tag indicated, smiled, "A room for one. We have room 2312 available for you, would that be alright, Ms. Flynn?"

Catherine nodded, "That would be fine."

She really didn't care.

Rachel began typing on her computer and signaled for a bellboy. "Will that be cash or credit card, Ms. Flynn?"

"Cash," she said automatically as the bellboy took her things.

She had no job, a daughter and a life ahead of her and here she was spending her money on a five star hotel. She shrugged off the thought and told herself she deserved it. She was due for a vacation and this was fine, even if it would only last one night.

She really didn't care.

"Mugs?" a familiar voice came, making Catherine spin around and stare.

"Good evening, Mr. Braun," Rachel said to Catherine's father.

"What are you doing here?" Sam asked Catherine after nodding at the receptionist. "Aren't you supposed to be at work?"

"I should ask you the same thing," Catherine said dryly. "What are you doing here? Where's Lindsey? Where's mom?"

Sam chuckled and turned to Rachel. "Tell my secretary I won't be taking any calls tonight and tell everyone I'm busy. What room did you put her in?"

"Ms. Flynn agreed to take room 2312, Mr. Braun," Rachel said automatically, ever on alert.

Sam looked at Catherine and raised an eyebrow before turning back to the receptionist. "Move her to the Rosewood Suite and put it in my name."

Catherine looked at Sam. "You don't have to do this…"

But Rachel nodded and was already at work. "Right away, Mr. Braun."

Sam chuckled and put his arm around her, just like he used to before everything had gone so wrong between them. "I'm not hearing it. And your mother and Lindsey are at the ranch, enjoying a movie. I was with them, but an important business associate of mine came."

He turned to the bellboy. "Bring everything she has to the suite."

The bellboy nodded. "Right away, sir."

Sam turned to Rachel, holding Catherine close. "This is my daughter, Catherine, if she needs anything, anytime, be sure she gets it. I want the suite to be on top of everyone's list tonight. I don't care who else is here, she comes first. Tomorrow she will be checking out with me."

Rachel nodded once more and began to work on her computer. "Right away, Mr. Braun."

Catherine looked at Sam and pulled back. "What? Sam I…"

"It's a weekend and Lindsey is having fun at the ranch, she'll be thrilled to see you," Sam said with a nod. "But tonight, we're going out to eat, Ms. _Flynn_."

The tone used with her maiden name was not lost in Catherine and she knew she had a lot of explaining to do with her father.

"Here's your key, Ms. Braun—," Rachel began with a smile on her face, but Catherine shook her head. "Excuse me, Ms. Flynn," she held out the keycard to Catherine dutifully. "Enjoy your stay at the Rampart. Have a good night."

Sam took the key from Rachel and handed it to Catherine who only looked at it. "Take it, Mugs, I know something happened, otherwise, you wouldn't be here hiding."

Catherine looked at her father, realizing she hated the way he knew her so well despite the fact that he was more like a shadow in her life than a father.

"Take it," Sam urged. "I haven't seen you lately and I know you need to talk so why not do it over a nice dinner with your old man?"

"It'll ruin the nice dinner with the old man," Catherine muttered, tucking a lock of strawberry blonde hair nervously as she looked around, afraid someone might see her.

Sam noticed right away and pushed the key in her hand. "Come on, I haven't eaten yet. Your mother and Lindsey insisted we eat during the movie and since I didn't get to watch I'm sure they ate without me."

Catherine bit her bottom lip, thinking.

"You know it's lonely to eat alone," Sam said, his eyes softening.

Glancing at the receptionist who was eagerly watching the exchange of Sam Braun and his "daughter" that no one had ever mentioned hearing about, Catherine finally nodded.

Sam smiled and nodded at the bellboy to bring her bag up to her suite. "Would you like to eat here or somewhere else?"

Catherine shrugged.

She really didn't care.

Sam turned to Rachel once more. "Have a limo ready out front. I'm taking my daughter out tonight."

Rachel nodded and began to speak through her headset. "A limo for Mr. Braun out front."

Sam nodded and smiled at Catherine. "Come on, Mugs."

"Your limo is waiting out front, Mr. Braun," Rachel informed with a smile as Sam placed his arm over Catherine's shoulder and ushered her away. "Good night, Mr. Braun, Ms. Flynn."

-o0o-

Catherine eased herself in the limo, seating herself across from her father who was looking at her with bright eyes. "You look good, Mugs."

She shrugged. "You always say that."

"Because it's true," he said with sincerity that was not lost to Catherine. "Remember the last time we sat in a limo?"

She tried not to cringe. Her mother had given her hell for that and Catherine could only appease her by going out to dinner with her and her father that night. It was the night things had seemingly suddenly fall into place for everyone. Especially Sam and Catherine; Lily's tears and Lindsey's half beg/ half tirade had come later not too long after that dinner. "Yeah."

"The night of Lois' party," Sam supplied. "The night you found out about your mother and me."

Catherine nodded. "How could I forget?"

Sam nodded. "But we've come a long way since then, Mugs. Did I ever thank you for giving me, your mother and us a chance? And Lindsey…she's been a joy in my life."

Catherine looked out the window, watching as the lights passed before her. "Yes, she has, hasn't she? I'm glad you two are happy. And mom as well."

Sam heard the sadness in her voice, but wondered if he should intervene. Father or not, it didn't change the fact that he lied to her and, as she knew, thought and believed, he killed a woman.

"Lindsey is a beautiful child, did she tell you she's conned me into taking nights off? Since she started coming around, I've been taking night offs, it's the first time I've done anything like that since…" he trailed off as he watched her.

She looked at him, her blue eyes looking into his gray ones. "Since I was a child?"

He nodded, "When I used to come around in Montana to see you and your mother."

Catherine nodded as well, "When you were too tired to drive all the way home to here."

Sam smiled. "You were always such a smart kid, nothing could get by you. Gave your mother hell with all the questions you asked and how you never stopped talking."

She smiled a little. "I remember I did it sometimes just to annoy her. I'd ask and ask and ask and Nancy would just stare at me and mom until mom would snap and tell me to shut up."

Sam chuckled. "She was right then."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"She always complained to me how you always asked questions to intentionally get under her skin," he said and began to laugh. "And I told her it was just her imagination and to understand because you were still a kid, curious and new to everything, but since you told me yourself, I guess she was right after all."

Catherine smiled. "I don't know why I always had fun in annoying her."

Sam chuckled. "Same reason I have fun annoying her—it's fun. She's funny when she's flustered and upset. I never could take her seriously when she was mad."

Catherine chuckled. "She's not used to being mad. She's too nice, I always thought so. Even when it came to me, I think."

"Yes, she is too nice," Sam agreed. "I don't know how you might take this, but I'm happy you didn't turn out like that. You're stronger than your mother and she knows it."

"Leaving home at sixteen, coming back to nothing at seventeen, hightailing it to Vegas before eighteen, dancing to get by, getting married, Eddie, going back to school, dancing to get through school, having Lindsey, my job and everything that ever came with it," she enumerated. "I learned to be a fighter, Sam, got me a little tougher, got me to be quicker and made my skin thicker. I learned it on my own. I had to be strong otherwise you know I'd be dead."

"I never could forgive me and your mother too for that," Sam said softly.

"What do you mean?" Catherine asked.

"She allowed you to leave then left before you came back," Sam explained. "I was so angry at her for letting you go like that…and when I found out about you dancing…" he stopped. "I almost told you the truth, but I couldn't bring myself to do it…and the dancing and that bastard ex-husband of yours? That I'll never forgive myself for…I could have stopped it all from happening."

Catherine looked out the window. This was the reason why she decided never to look back. It only spawned doubts and regrets. "Leave it all where it belongs, Sam, you can't change the past."

Sam nodded as he looked at her staring at the window again. "You're right, but I can change the future, Mugs, and I will. You gave me this chance and I'm not getting any younger, I'm not going to screw this up just like I did with everything about you, your mother, Tony and Walt. I'm not screwing this up with you and Lindsey. You're all I have left and I'm making damn sure I'll do right by you, your mother and Lindsey."

Catherine nodded. "You're doing just fine. Lindsey adores you and everything you give her."

"And you?"

"It's different with me."

"How?"

"Too many mistakes, too many stories, too many lies…too many things."

"But you know I've always loved you, Mugs, you have to know that."

She nodded and looked at him. "Despite everything? Yes, I do, Sam, I know you do."

-o0o-

The rest of the team came in an hour later to find Warrick and Gil still in Gil's office. The lab techs were around, buzzing and Conrad Ecklie was making his rounds alongside the Undersheriff. Warrick and Gil had sat together in his office, not saying much as they sat and mulled over where Catherine might be. Gil and Warrick had called her contact numbers and found no answers. Gil had dismissed the chattering lab techs away.

Nick and Greg had decided to take a break after logging their evidence. Sara followed soon after with Ricky Morales from the day shift following behind. Morales had stopped Sara and allowed her to go on ahead while he logged the evidence on his own when Bobby and Hodges had began to beckon them over to the Trace Lab.

The three graveyard shift members followed, looking at each other questioningly when the two lab techs ushered them in quietly.

"What's going on?" Greg asked. "We've got evidence to process."

"I think that can wait, this is kind of important," Hodges said, rolling his eyes at the former lab tech. "You wouldn't want to miss this."

Nick crossed his arms over his chest. "What is it this time, Hodges?"

Hodges looked at Bobby who suddenly said, "Catherine'sgoneandherofficeisempty."

Sara looked at Bobby. "Okay, I caught Catherine somewhere in there…but you lost me."

Bobby shook his head, "I said Catherine's gone and her office is empty."

Nick looked at Sara. "Well, of course her office is empty since you said she's gone."

Hodges and Bobby looked at each other and rolled their eyes. "No," Hodges said then paused.

"He means Catherine's office is empty and she left," a voice came from behind.

Everyone turned to see Wendy by the doors of the Trace Lab.

Hodges rolled his eyes. "Way to ruin to the moment, Simms."

Wendy smirked. "Sorry to burst your bubble, but I think I saved you from being kicked across the face by a CSI. Your moment sucked anyway."

Hodges rolled his eyes. "No, it was right!"

Wendy shook her head. "Right moment? For crying out loud, Hodges! This is serious not some stupid movie or some lame TV show!"

Nick, Sara and Greg looked at each other. "Wait,wait, back up. What do you mean Catherine's gone?"

Bobby pointed to the direction of the co-supervisor's office. "We mean, she's really gone and she took her things from her office. It's almost empty! She clocked out hours ago and told Judy good bye."

Greg rolled his eyes. "You know, I do understand how boring this lab is without us, but really, you don't need to cook up some lame story just to have some laughs. Your story isn't really funny."

Wendy shook her head. "No, Greg, really... She's gone, she left. Grissom said she quit hours ago. She talked to Grissom, Undersheriff McKeen and Ecklie."

Nick looked the female lab tech. "What is this all about? That's not possible."

Wendy shrugged, "Go talk to Grissom. Warrick's been there for an hour, I think."

Sara looked at Nick. "She wouldn't have quit. She had no reason to."

Greg didn't say anything as he pushed his way past and made a run for Gil's office. He pushed the doors just to see Conrad and Undersheriff McKeen with Warrick and Gil. "Oh. Sorry I…"

But the Undersheriff shook his head and started to gesture him in. "Just in time, Sanders. we just came in ourselves. We have some news to tell you, it's quite important."

"Is this about Catherine?" Greg blurted out just as Nick and Sara came in.

"Close the door, Sidle," Conrad said.

Sara did as she was told as her eyes tried to meet Gil's, but found he was staring at his desk, his hands folded in front of him. She knew right then something had happened in the meeting. Suddenly she tensed.

"They told us Cath just quit," Nick said. "That's not true, right?"

Conrad looked at the Texan who was clearly troubled by the news. "I'm afraid it is. We, the Undersheriff, your supervisor and I, talked, to Ms. Willows a few hours ago and she told us she was quitting. As of tonight, Catherine Willows is no longer part of the Las Vegas Crime Lab."

"That's bull shit," Greg said before he could stop himself. "And her name is Catherine!"

"Greg," came Gil's warning tone, for the first time looking up. "Ease up."

"Whatever, Sanders, but former CSI Willows turned in her badge and her gun," Conrad said, placing the badge and the gun on Gil's desk in. "She resigned."

Greg looked at Gil who was staring at Catherine's CSI ID. "Griss, you really think she'd leave like this? She didn't even warn us, didn't even say goodbye! She wouldn't leave, where would she go? What would she do? What about Lindsey?"

Gil opened his mouth to reply, but McKeen cut him off. "Willows informed us she will have her official resignation by the end of the week, most probably Sunday, she took her personal things from her office and clocked out for the last and final time tonight."

"She loved this job, why would she do that?" Nick asked. "It doesn't make sense."

"That's all concerning her, Stokes, why don't you ask her yourself?" Conrad snapped irritably. He thought they were making too much of a drama about this. "But right now you're on the clock and you have cases and evidences waiting. It's done, she's gone, move on. You have work to do. As do you, Brown, Sidle and Sanders."

"We'll be announcing calls for a replacement soon," McKeen informed.

"Oh, well then, glad we have thta bit solved, just get a new replacement," Warrick said sarcastically as he stood heavily from his seat, his eyes meeting Nick's as he passed. "I'm going back to work. It's a long night."

Greg opened his mouth in shock as he watched Warrick, the one who was closest to Catherine, walk out as if it was nothing. "Rick, did you know about this?"

"You think I'd have let her if I knew?" Warrick asked as he passed the younger man.

Nick looked at Gil. "Griss, man, what happened? Why did she leave?"

"Did anyone not hear what I said? You have work to do!" Conrad snapped.

Undersheriff McKeen nodded. "Go back to work everyone, Willows may be gone, but you have cases to get to. Talk about this after shift. It's almost over anyway." He nodded to Conrad to follow and exit Gil's office.

Once the two officials left, the team turned their attention on their boss.

"Griss, what the hell just happened?" Nick asked as Sara and Greg took the seats on front of the desk and Warrick sat back on the couch, his head in his hands.

Gil looked up to the faces of his team, his eyes avoiding Sara's. "I don't know."

-o0o-

The limo stopped at Drai's and Catherine stepped out with Sam. She looked at the place and looked back at Sam. "You do know they have a dress code here, right?" she said as she motioned to herself, still in the clothes she wore from work.

Sam nodded. "You look fine and beautiful. Don't worry about it. You're mother loves it here."

Catherine decided not to argue and went in. Instantly, they were met by the maitre d'. "Good evening, Mr. Braun. Your usual table?"

Sam nodded. "That would be fine, Mario."

"Will Ms. Lily be joining you tonight?" Mario asked as he politely nodded at Catherine. "We've missed her here, she's such a delight."

Catherine rolled her eyes, knowing why he mother loved the place after all.

"'Fraid not, Mario, but our daughter, Catherine here," he said, gesturing to Catherine, "Will be joining me tonight for dinner."

Instantly Mario smiled at Catherine. "It is a pleasure, Ms. Catherine. Your mother talked about you and mentioned you loved out fillet."

Catherine nodded, smiling a little and was tempted to smirk. He was suddenly eager and friendly with her despite her not so formal clothing. "Yes, I did. It was wonderful. Mother loves this place."

Mario smiled, pleased with her answer. "Very good, this way please. Your table is ready."

Catherine opened her mouth to correct him, but Sam placed a hand on her arm and looked at her, "If you'll let me, give me one night of this, Mugs, it's not everyday I get to tell the world I have a daughter as beautiful as you. Let's be a real family for one, even just this once."

Not having it in her to fight her father who was clearly trying, Catherine relented and nodded wordlessly and allowed him to lead her to their table. She looked around and took in the red theme of the place. Paintings were decorated on the red walls, mirrors hung in different places, a bookcase sat boasting books, figures, frames, and expensive looking knick knacks, chairs covered in leopard print, cushioned wooden seats and black tables adorned the area of black and red. She raised an eyebrow at the fake fireplace filled with glass encased candles and the painting on top. Catherine saw the bar on the far side of the club and was led deeper inside.

She was up on the elevated portion of Drai's, her hand gliding on the short metal railing as she passed and entered into an intimate room where half circle booths were placed around. Mario led them to one booth and smiled as Catherine sat down with Sam across from her.

Catherine was handed the menu immediately and scanned, but did not read what was printed in front of her. She wasn't hungry, but she didn't want to disappoint her father.

"I'll have my usual, Mario and Mugs?" Sam asked.

"Maybe I'll have that fillet," Catherine said as she closed her menu.

"And our usual bottle too," Sam added.

"Excellent," Mario said as he gathered the menus. "I'll be back shortly, Mr. and Ms. Braun."

Sam nodded and turned his attention to his daughter. "Mugs, I think it's time we talked."

Catherine looked at him. "Talk about what?"

"What are you running from?" Sam asked softly and watched as her face involuntary registered sadness, her blue eyes dull against the red themes that surrounded them.

Catherine shook her head. "Who said I was running?"

"I think checking in as Ms. Flynn would be good starting point," he said softly. "And you clocked out of work too early. What's wrong? What happened?"

"I don't think you want to here it."

"Try me."

"It's not important."

"I think it is. To have you running like this, it has to be."

"It's just about work."

"What happened?"

"It's complicated."

"Complicated has always been a part of your life. Should have named you that."

"I quit my job today."

Sam stared. "What?"

"I left…"

"Why? You always loved that job."

Catherine shrugged. "It's complicated."

"Is this about the Grissom guy you're dating?" he asked. "Your boss?"

Catherine looked at him. "How did you know about that?"

"Your mother mentioned it. She was worried about you dating your boss," he said as a look of anger took place on her face. "She was worried about you, said you were too in love with this one to see what you two are risking." He shrugged. "But I don't mind. I've seen you talk about him and be with him; he's not too bad considering he took care of you during Eddie. He isn't my ideal candidate for a son-in-law, but it you love the man then damn everything else. Screw the job, you're brilliant anyway and from what I hear, he's just as good as you."

Catherine shook her head. "She told you all that, huh? He's better than me."

Sam shrugged. "Along with the rest of the town, he's quite known. He played my tables before."

"She can stop worrying," Catherine said softly, missing what he father said. "We broke it off this morning…"

"Is that why you quit?" Sam didn't think that was the reason.

She shook her head. "No. He's…he's got someone else and…she loves him."

Her father was the last person she expected to open up to, but the night was about to end, she was broken and beaten and so she decided to stick with what she had. Beggars can't be choosers after all and she was no different.

"But does he love her?" Sam asked.

"He said he does," she admitted sadly. "And things came up and it fell into place…the department gave me a way out and I took it."

"Clearly you love him, that other girl must be one hell of a knock out if he chose her over you," Sam said. "You've known him a long time, how could he not love you?"

"He's different."

"I bet he is."

"It wasn't meant to be."

"That doesn't sound like you."

She looked at him. "What do you mean?"

"Whether you admit it or not, you're my daughter," Sam said, looking right into her eyes. "And whether you like it or not, you're more like me than you'd dare admit. Like me, you never back down, especially when it comes to this. Like me, you fight for what you want until you get it. I fought for your mother and it took me years to get her back and its just history repeating itself on you. You would fight for him, it's who you are."

She shook her head, "Maybe I don't like being me all that much."

He took her hands in his. "Don't you dare say that."

She looked at him. "Why?"

"You're my daughter, you're a Braun," he said, squeezing her hands to emphasize his point. "We never back down, we never give up and we're proud of who we are and we're strong. Be proud of who and what you are, Catherine, you're strong, intelligent and beautiful. You're everything a man could ever want and if your Grissom friend can't see that for himself then he's not only blind and stupid, he also doesn't deserve you."

"He's not stupid."

"For a man who can't see a beautiful woman like you in love with him? Yes, he is."

"No he isn't," she ground out. Briefly, she wondered why she was defending him from her father.

Sam leaned back, pressing himself against the cushions. "Did you tell him how you feel?"

Catherine sighed, her anger dissipating so fast she was surprised with herself. "No, by then he'd told me already she loved him. I asked her if he loved her he said yes. I couldn't ruin something like that. I'd done enough damage as it is…they're not married, but they're still committed."

Sam nodded. "Are you ever going to tell him?"

She shrugged. "What's the use in that? It's over…I left and he didn't come after me. I get the message. He doesn't want me."

"You know, it's not always the way it happens in the movies, Mugs," Sam said. "The guy doesn't always run after the girl."

"Don't you think I know that?" she asked, bitterly. "But this is Gil we're talking about…he's different and in his way, he's told me he wants Sara and not me. I get it. I'll move on."

Sam opened his mouth to reply, but the arrival of their order came as the waiter came sweeping in. He stopped and thanked the young man before looking at Catherine again. "You don't always have to be alone, Mugs, you deserve someone just like the rest of us."

"I know how to be alone, Sam, I've dealt with it and I'm fine," she said as she stared at him. "You taught me that when you decided to leave me without a father."

Sam looked hurt at the comment. "I know and I'm sorry…"

She shook her head. "No, I'm sorry…I shouldn't take this out on you. I'm sorry, I'm fine, really, I'm okay, Sam. I'll be okay."

Sam looked at his daughter as she began to nibble on her meal. Once more, he hated himself for hurting what he treasured most. She was turning out to be like him because of him and he didn't want that. He had hurt her at the very beginning and this was the result: angry, hurt, bitter, faithless in love, alone and slowly becoming cold and closed off. He missed his old Mugs, the vibrant, beautiful, sassy woman he loved will all his heart.

For the fourth time, in all his successful and prosperous life, Sam felt the feeling of loss. First was losing Lily, the next was losing his son Tony to his other son Walt, third was losing Catherine and now, he was losing her once more.

He continued to eat with his daughter, wondering what he was supposed to do to ease her pain. He was her father, right? That was his job.

-o0o0o0o-

Yes, yes, I know this was boring with all the Sam thing, but he plays a part in this fic so I had to form some sort of relationship between him and Catherine. Sorry 'bout that.

Well, you'll find out on the next chapter how it shapes up. Just be prepared for a lot of un-CSI, un-Catherine like changes.

Thanks for the reviews! Keep them coming!


	5. Chapter 5

Hardest Thing

Hardest Thing

By: iferleigh

Rating: T (just in case)

Disclaimer: The ones you know aren't mine and the ones you don't know are mine.

Note: Thank you for the reviews! I'm really happy!

-o0o-

Chapter Five: Crumbling

Sam looked across the table to his daughter who was halfway through with her fillet while he was done with his meal. He watched quietly as she pushed the small piece around with her fork and wondered what else was going through her mind.

She had just lost someone she loved, he knew the feeling, was forced to leave the job she's always loved despite the gore that came along, he knew that feeling too for it wasn't always that his casino plans went perfectly and she was alien to everything at the moment while she mourned her own loss of most of the things she was used to.

Mario had been standing on one side and was about to approach their table and Sam knew why. Catherine was pushing her food around and had been doing the same thing since she started eating. He was sure Mario was coming over to see if there was anything wrong with their meal. He raised his hand surreptitiously and signaled they were fine.

Mario nodded and went back to his place, keeping careful eye of the other guests since everything in the Braun table, the most important for the night, seemed to be fine.

"What are you planning to do now?" Sam risked talking as he placed his napkin delicately on the table.

Catherine looked up at him, forgetting for a moment where she was and who she was with. She looked at her father questioningly. "Huh?"

"What are you going to do now?" Sam asked again. "You don't have your job, you let some guy walk away from you and now you're here, hiding and running away."

She rolled her eyes. "Way to ease up on the situation, Sam," she said sarcastically.

Sam grinned. "Well, sometimes you need a little tough love to get through. Is it working?"

She smiled a little. "If the goal is to get me pissed and vent out on you verbally? Maybe."

He grinned. "Would you like some dessert or are you having too much fun pushing your food around?" he imagined she was exactly like that when she was a teenager around Lily. He found it amusing since he was the exact same way, until now it seemed.

She looked down at her plate and saw what she had accomplished, "I'm done, I think. No dessert for me, thanks."

Sam smiled. "You sure? Your mother adores and hates this place at the same time. Says it's too good it's bad for her figure."

Catherine chuckled. "She's as vain as ever, I see."

"You can't always take the showgirl out of the lady," Sam commented. "But she's beautiful the way she is, she just won't believe me."

"I bet she won't," she muttered as Sam signaled for Mario who proceeded to Catherine first.

"Is everything all right, Ms. Braun?" Mario asked delicately. "Is there a problem with the fillet?"

Catherine shook her head and managed a polite smile. "No, everything is fine, thank you."

Mario smiled. "Would you like to try our desert? Your mother adores out Lavender Gelato. She's developed a, and I quote, "dangerous addiction" with the said dessert."

Sam chuckled and looked at Catherine. "It's delicious, Mugs, you should try it."

Catherine looked from her father to Mario, "Do you have a Mint Chocolate Chip flavor?" She smiled at the maitre d'. "Lavender isn't really my thing."

Mario nodded, "Excellent choice, Ms. Braun. Yes, we do have that." He turned to Sam, "And for you, Mr. Braun?"

"I'll have the same," Sam said, looking at Catherine with a gentle smile.

She gave a soft smile back.

Maybe there was a chance after all.

All he needed was time.

-o0o-

Gil looked at his team, seeing Warrick still on his couch with his head in his hands, Sara and Greg sitting patiently in front of his and Nick pacing back and forth behind them. No one said a thing, no one dared to disturb the silence…

Until Nick decided he couldn't take it anymore, "Are we just going to sit here or are you going to tell us now why Catherine suddenly decided to leave?"

Gil looked at the Texan and sighed. "I really don't know, Nick. I'm just as surprised as you are."

"Surprised doesn't even cover it," Greg muttered in his seat.

"Did she give any reason at all? Any indication as to why she would quit so suddenly?" Sara asked as if she was talking to a victim's friend or family in an investigation instead of her boss and secret boyfriend.

Gil avoided looking at her once more. "Nothing, she just said she didn't want to do it anymore."

Sara and Greg looked at each other and Nick stopped and looked at Gil with a sarcastic grin, "You know as well as everyone else, including me, in this damn room that that's bullshit."

Gil looked at Nick. "If I knew, Nick, I would tell you unless she told me not to but then I would still tell you that, yes, I know but she wouldn't let me tell you. You know that."

"Do I?" Nick spat out. "Cause, Grissom, with all due respect, you're not really the most open guy in this team. So really, I don't."

Gil stood up, pressing his palms flat against his desk and looked at Nick. He was starting to lose his patience after all the things that had transpired in less than a day. His patience was wearing thin.

"Well if this concerns Catherine and her leaving, I can only try to be open about it. Do you think I'm not as shocked as you are? Damn it, she walked out and I didn't even get the chance to stop her before it was too late!" he took deep breaths in an effort to compose himself. "She's gone, Nick, and we can't reach her. If you want her reason, go find her yourself and if she does tell you, let me know so I can be more open about it."

Gil gave the younger CSI a look before walking around his desk, past him and out of his own office. It was getting too much; the lies were coming easier as he got even more upset. The more lies he built, the more chances it could all blow up in his face.

For what seemed like the millionth time that night, Gil wished he could talk to Catherine.

-o0o-

"You know this will get your mother quite riled up," Sam said as he dipped his teaspoon into his ice cream. "She always made me eat the Lavender ones, but now that I've had this, there's no way I'm eating that stuff again."

Catherine smiled. "Maybe I don't know mom as well as I thought, you really think you eating a different flavor of this ridiculously expensive ice cream will get her riled?"

Sam smiled. "When she finds out it was all your doing, yes, I believe it will."

For the first time since the morning with Gil, Catherine let out a true laugh. "Oh, man, she's worst than ever! Now I'm not so sorry she moved in with you."

With that comment, Sam was brought back to his daughter's situation. "You never answered my question, Mugs."

The smile faded from her lips. "What question?" she stalled.

"What are you going to do now?" he asked for the third time, but indicated no sign that he was losing his patience with her.

She shrugged. "I don't know, I just checked in to a five star hotel after just losing my job, as of the moment I have no other offers for a new one, I have no real plan _yet_, I have a daughter in high school, thank god I've already gotten her education until college secured, and I am a complete useless mess. So, I don't know. I'm as lost as ever." She looked thoughtful. "Maybe Ted will allow me to go back…"

"Don't you say that," Sam snapped suddenly, startling her and making her accidentally drop her teaspoon into her ice cream. He softened. "I'm sorry, I just don't like the aspect of you even thinking about going back to that kind of life."

Catherine shook her head, "I was joking, Sam. I've had a decent career and I _have_ a degree in Medical Technology, I hardly think I'll even have that possibility of going back as a stripper."

"You don't and you never will," Sam said firmly. "Listen, I've been thinking about this…"

"No," Catherine said, abruptly cutting him off.

"No?" Sam asked, puzzled.

"No, I don't want you to help me, I'm fine," she said, shaking her head. "I'll be fine, I'm sure I'll get a chance to teach at some University here in Vegas. Maybe even at UNLV since that's where I got my education. I'm fine, I don't need your help, Sam."

Sam's shoulder's dropped. "Mugs, you don't have to do any of that…"

"Yes, I do," she said firmly. Yes, she was a Braun and this was a battle she was not about to lose. A Braun against a Braun, and it was a battle of wills. And she was going to show him now just how much of a Braun she was. "I do, Sam, I've made it this far without you, without mom, with Eddie and with Lindsey. I can do it."

"Yes, you did all that," Sam said gently. Unlike his daughter, he wasn't viewing this as a battle. It was an opportunity to mend the broken bridge he had ruined a long time ago. "You've proven yourself, Mugs, we know you can be great, but this time, let me take care of you. I let you go through so many things you didn't have to go through, let me make this up for you."

Catherine shook her head, but he went on.

"You've proven you're strong, capable and independent," Sam continued. "And letting your father take care of you isn't a sign of weakness. Mugs, just think about it. I want to take care of you and my granddaughter. Stay with us, you can stay at the ranch."

"No," Catherine said, but Sam could see her resolve was nearly going to start crumbling and it wouldn't take too long to convince her now. "I can't do that."

"Life hasn't been kind to you," he went on. "You allowed yourself a hard life, I said that you wanted to make it that way, but this time I'm not going to just let you do it. I'm your father, I'm not getting any younger and you and Linds are all I have left other than Lily." He took her hand in his. "It won't be forever, stay with us for a while, you need time to heal and if you want escape, I will give that to you. Lindsey already loves it there, you will too."

This was everything Catherine was against, but she realized being the other woman was something she had been against of too in the past and now looks where she got herself to. Sam was using the right words, telling her the right things, using the right tones of voice and touching her deeply enough. Her resolve was crumbling and yes, for once, Catherine Willows was near willing to let everything fall away and surrender.

For once, she wanted to allow herself to submit and be taken care of.

"You've grown so used to being strong for everyone that you've forgotten that you don't always have to be strong," Sam said softly. "You don't always have to be everyone's savior, Mugs, you need a break, an escape and I'm here, let me be your father, Mugs, allow me to make up for everything I missed."

Catherine looked up to meet her father's eyes and saw the same warmth, love and care she always saw since she was a child up to before she had found out the truth. He was sincere, true and he loved her. Her father loved her.

And she wondered if that was enough.

-o0o-

Gil walked down the halls of CSI, his eyes straight ahead so he won't have to face anyone. He felt the eyes on him, looking at him, scrutinizing him like a piece of evidence, judging him. And he wondered if the guilt was written on his face, if everyone could see what he had done to an unknowing Sara and to a hurt Catherine who he had successfully hurt enough to be driven out of the place that had become home to her for twenty odd years.

It was his fault and it ate away at him.

He wanted to see her, feel her and tell her he was sorry.

A part of him wanted to tell her he loved her too.

But then Sara lingered in his mind and he was worried she might already have an idea what had really driven Catherine to leave.

He stalked down the halls, not knowing where he was headed until he reached the closed door of her office. He hadn't realized he was headed there, but he realized he wanted to be there.

Hesitating, he wrapped a trembling hand around the metal door knob and turned it.

Suddenly he was inside.

He flicked the lights on and saw that it was indeed almost empty. She left all her work files it seemed, some books and some other meaningless things.

His eyes fell on the desk.

He saw what she had left.

She left her vest and the paperweight he gave her from Brazil. He remembered fondly how he had immediately thought of her when he saw the preserved beauty. It was a beautiful rare specimen and he knew its beauty was like that of her, hard to come by, unforgettable and beautiful beyond belief. He recalled how touched and happy she was at the gift, gushing at how beautiful it was and how she would always treasure it.

And she did, until now.

Next to the vest and the paperweight was the book he had given her for graduation. It was the same book he often, even after a decade, caught her rereading and referring to. It was an excellent book. Same as his other gift, she had been thoroughly happy about that. She knew she was good with blood right from the very beginning, so she had gushed that it was the best and "perfectest" gift ever. Now it was frayed, old and she had left it behind as well.

The message was clear to Gil: it was truly over.

And she was gone.

Now he wondered if he would ever see her again.

He wished.

He hoped.

He prayed.

And he meant what he had said to the Assistant Director when he said he would at least want to keep his friendship with her if there was never a chance for a true relationship. He wouldn't give her up, she was too valuable.

He didn't want to give her up, but here she was, _gone._

Suddenly everything just seemed so wrong.

Gil let his fingers drift over the old, frayed book and looked around him. The signs that it was her space and hers alone were gone: no more books, no more pictures, no more feminine-girly stuff that was essentially Catherine, nothing that was truly Catherine.

Even her very presence was gone.

He eased himself onto what used to be her chair behind her desk and closed his eyes, imagining that he could feel her, even now that she was gone.

Because of him.

Because he hurt her.

He didn't even get to say goodbye and now he wondered when he would see her again. In his mind he hoped someday soon, in his heart he hoped now. His mind could wait, knowing she needed time to heal, but his heart could not, for he longed for her, her touch and her smile. She was a part of him and losing that was indeed losing a part of him.

He felt his world was falling apart, crumbling and breaking into pieces.

He wondered if she felt like this when he left her that morning, felt the helplessness, pain and the loss that came altogether, but his heart constricted at the thought.

He told himself that he was being stupid, that he was the only one feeling this way and that she had moved on to something better.

She didn't need him now, maybe that was the message.

Catherine unknowingly had taken his heart with her and now it was gone. She had it and she too was gone. Everything was lost now.

Dying was different, but he felt being incomplete seemed worst.

-o0o-

Sam Braun was gifted when it came to reading people. He could see through the best liars, see the truth in people's eyes and see their desires that was most hidden from the world. He was good at that and it had helped him succeed in the business, launching him to the top and making him known. Yes, he could read people very well.

With is daughter, it was no different.

In her eyes he could see she was tired and weary, tired enough to let him actually take her and be her father. He could see she was near breaking and he couldn't blame her—she had lost her job and the man she loved didn't love her. He couldn't blame her if she was ready to break into a million pieces.

In her eyes he could see she was hurt and deeply burnt by love, not only with the Grissom guy but with everyone else. Secretly, Sam had known about the Bezich bastard and he smiled inside now that the Acid Drop was now nothing more than an empty, pathetic joint.

Of course, he had _nothing_ to do with that.

As far as Catherine knew…

He was enjoying his thoughts but was jerked back when he remembered what he was supposed to be doing. He berated himself that his daughter needed him and musing happily about his triumph dedicated to her was something to be done privately.

He knew if she found out she would be a whole lot different from happy.

He could only guess that conversation.

"Mugs?" he said softly.

He was surprised at how suddenly he had slipped into this fatherly/grandpa stuff and how, strangely, it came almost too easy with Catherine and Lindsey.

Catherine began to stir the remnants of her ice cream, "I don't know…"

"Letting your father take care of you isn't going to be the end of the world, Mugs," he said with a smile. "We used to be great together…"

"Used to," she said, looking at him. "Used to, Sam, that's exactly why I'm not sure. Used to…so many things have happened sometimes it doesn't even make sense. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind with you, my mother, Lindsey and Gi…" she trailed off.

"And that Grissom guy," Sam said, letting out an exasperated sigh, despite himself. "Mugs, you said so yourself, he doesn't want you. You know you want this, you know you want out of that world as much as I want you out of there. You know I can help you."

Catherine shook her head and felt the tears gather in her eyes. She looked down to avoid letting Sam see her cry. She was not weak. "I don't know if I want to be out of that world. I was content with that world, at one point or another, happy. _That _world was my world and I belonged there and I honestly don't know why I'm so willing to leave it."

The bells began to ring in Sam's head as her statement replayed and replayed in his mind, _I don't know why I'm __**so**__ willing to leave it._ He was close and all he needed now was a little nudge.

He took both of her hands in his and looked at her in the eye, "You don't want to leave that world, but they pushed you out already. You said so yourself. If you don't want to leave it completely then why not take a little time away? Show that Grissom guy what he's missing and that'll knock some senses into him." He shrugged. "What can a small getaway do but good?"

Once more, Catherine saw the sincerity and love of her father, it was a look she had missed when her mother and he broke up for what seemed like the final time. And it began the time when there was no longer a Sam Braun to come back with gifts and bedtime tales of a place called Las Vegas that Catherine, as child, always loved to hear about as he tucked her in bed.

"Give the old man a chance, Mugs," he urged. "Make me happy, and your mother and most of all Lindsey. She loves spending time at the ranch, but she wants you there too."

The light flickered in her eyes and he knew he had said the right name.

He smiled and nodded. "Yes, I—now don't be mad—but I gave her my old Arabian—"

Right then he knew he made a mistake for her eyes suddenly came alive and a look on surprise came over her face and an incredulous, "You gave her what?" stumbled out of her gaping mouth.

"Now, Mugs, it's not…"

"You gave her an Arabian? As in a horse?" she hissed, careful not to be too loud in such a public place. "Sam, she's barely had lessons in riding! An Arabian would throw her off or worst kill her, you know that! That horse is huge! What were you thinking?"

She was angry now.

Sam realized he might have miscalculated with mentioning the horse. So he tried to make amends, "She promised me she'd keep her grades up in the air and she did, as I'm sure you know and she said if she can do it she gets to have that horse. Byron is the old black Arabian in the ranch and she's fallen in love with him. What could I do? I'm just the grandfather!"

Catherine sat back and suddenly it all came together, "So that's the reason why her grades are exceptionally better for the first time in a long time now? You promised her a horse? An Arabian?"

Sam nodded, "She was determined and she wanted that horse. At least it got the job done."

"Has she been riding?" Catherine asked, wondering how she could have not known. "We only got her grades a few days back. Is this the reason why you took her to the ranch?"

"She asked me to," he said with a bashful grin. "I can't help it, she's charming, persuasive and intelligent for her age; she's fit to be spoiled, just like a little girl I once knew."

"How long has she been riding?" Catherine asked nervously, ignoring the comment on her childhood spent with Sam.

"Just now," Sam said. "I hired a trainer, Monica Jones, she's excellent. She trained the best from all over and Lindsey likes her." He smiled fondly. "Lindsey's a beautiful rider, Mugs, just like you were back in Montana. Remember your horse, Oasis?"

Catherine looked away. "How could I forget? He was an Arabian too, a gift from mom's boyfriend named Sam. He was beautiful and pure black, he had a proud stand and he was just…beautiful." She smiled sadly at the memory of her faithful friend. "I rode him one day and we fell in a hole, he broke his leg and we had to put him down." The tears came once more, but for a different reason and this time she didn't care to hide them. Sam already knew.

"And you shot him yourself," Sam said softly. "It wasn't your fault." And it wasn't. The hole was a mystery, as if it had just suddenly appeared one day, as if waiting for Catherine and her Oasis as it sat right on her usual trail. He knew that putting down Oasis had affected her greatly. Catherine was fifteen and she never rode again after that, Lily had told him so.

It was right around the same time after that Catherine started acting up worst than usual.

Oasis was then replaced by friends, smoking, drinking, fast cars and boys.

Catherine shook her head and willed her thoughts and tears away. "That's all in the past. You were talking about Lindsey? She rides?"

Sam nodded and cleared his throat. "She just started lessons today, said she wanted to tell you herself, but she wouldn't unless you go to the ranch yourself. She wants to ride, Mugs, she's a natural like you and she's in love with that old coot Byron."

Catherine nodded, "If she was planning to tell me that indefinitely, when were you and mother planning to tell me?"

Sam shrugged. "I just told you."

She shook her head. "That means never." She chuckled even though she should be angry. "You two are pathetic."

Sam raised an eyebrow. Only his daughter could get away telling him that. "What?"

"You two are being manipulated and coerced into lying to your own daughter by your teenage granddaughter? That's pathetic."

Sam grinned. "She's a darling and I'm her grandfather, I'm obliged to spoil her."

Catherine nodded. "If you say so, Sam."

"So now that you know her little secret are you coming back with me tomorrow?" Sam asked, testing the waters. "She'll be happy to see you there. She's been asking if you can ride."

Sighing, Catherine looked at Sam and said, "Yes, I guess I don't have much choice, right? Maybe I'll go with you, but I'm not really sure yet, I've got time in my hands. I need to start checking out universities as soon as possible. Maybe I can teach or something."

"But you'll think about it?" Sam asked.

"Just for a bit."

Sam smiled a big, happy, bright smile. He was indeed happy.

Finally, he was getting his family back.

All he had to do was convince her come to stay.

For good.

-o0o-

And now the changes are about to begin. What's next for Catherine? Will she see Gil ever again? Is she going to allow her real father to be her father now?

I don't know.

We'll see! Now tell me what you think! Teehee…


	6. Chapter 6

Hardest Thing

By: iferleigh

Rating: T (just in case)

Disclaimer: The ones you know aren't mine and the ones you don't know are mine.

Note: Warning: contains GSR. As much as it pains me to put this in, I have to. She plays her teenee-tiny role here as the ever faithful doting girlfriend, but don't worry! This will be Grillows. **Consider this a little bump in the road to Grillowstopia.**

-o0o-

Chapter Six: Bourbon and Coming Home

Catherine stifled a yawn as she sat back against the cushions behind her and looked at Sam who had a smile on his face as he looked at her. "So, you got what you want. What now?"

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"I don't have my job, I'm staying at the ranch for a bit with Lindsey, I've lost Gil and everything else for good," she enumerated with no clear emotion. "This is exactly what you want, right, Sam? Now what are you going to do about it?"

Sam realized then she was a sharp as ever, despite the emotional baggage and the champagne they've been sipping for a while now. He realized she had been humoring him all night and he wondered how she pulled it off and how he slipped. He smiled winningly at her, "You _are_ my daughter. If I wasn't sure then, I am now."

She smirked and crossed her arms over her chest. "You said so yourself, I am a Braun. So, answer my question Sam. What are you going to do now?"

He realized then she was cockier and more confident with the champagne. He was amazed she wasn't teary or dull from her losses. She was more like him than he had thought.

"If I'd known it would make you this unhappy then I wouldn't have dreamed of it," he said, not really meaning it but at the same time meaning it.

"Bull," came the quick reply. "You never liked my job, too gory, too messy, too lawful that you can't just get away. You've been trying to get me back since you found out that I found out the truth and with my mother's and my daughter's help, you got me. You never liked Gil, that much is obvious and you never liked my team or everything else about my life. You expect me to believe you now, Sam? Come on, give me some credit here."

"Really, Mugs, I knew the job was a job and you got everything you need, but if I'd known you were that happy with it then I would have been fine with everything," Sam explained. "And that Grissom guy? He doesn't like me and I don't like him, its one thing we can agree on, that's for sure. And you? I'll always have you, Mugs, even when you don't want me."

Catherine shook her head. "What a fatherly thing to say," she said with biting sarcasm.

Sam sighed and sat back. He felt like he was talking to the female version of him. "You can attack me all you want, but I'll still be here in the morning and I'll still be your father and I'll still care about you as I do right now," he said firmly. "You can lash out for everything I did, for what your mother did, that bastard Eddie, even Lindsey, your work, your office and those assholes who run them and everything Grissom did, especially for leaving you out in the cold like I did before, but this time I'm sticking around and I will be here. Hate me all you want, but I'm not going anywhere. Get that in your head."

He spoke with such conviction in his voice that Catherine could only stare at him, her mouth slightly parted in shock. She was too shock to even bite back at his bit about Gil leaving her out in the cold. Suddenly he didn't look like a manipulative old man to her as she had began to think the moment she realized he was trying to manipulate her into coming with him.

Suddenly he was just Sam, not Sam Braun the casino mogul, but just Sam, her father.

The same Sam who tucked her into bed when she was little, the same Sam who was also Santa Clause every Christmas morning when her sister and the man she thought her father would leave her out of their plans to go to their grandmother's place for breakfast and presents. He was the same Sam who told her she was beautiful and smart.

The same Sam she always wanted to be her dad.

And it turned out he was and now here he was sitting right across from her, ready and imploring her to give him the chance to be just that.

With everything in her life a mess, suddenly she realized having a father; her _real_ father, wasn't as repulsive as she had originally thought it would be.

At least she had one thing in her life that was actually real and stable.

Suddenly…

She realized there have been too many "suddenly's" for one night.

But Sam sighed; weary now after playing mind games with his daughter. He signaled for the check and said, "It's getting late, you've been through too much tonight. Get some sleep and if you are coming with me tomorrow, let me know and I'll have someone sent up for you."

Instantly, Mario came with the check and Sam paid with a generous amount of tip. Mario was evidently pleased. "It was a pleasure to have you again, Mr. Braun and I do hope next time to see Ms. Lily. She is really a delight to have around."

Sam nodded. "I'm sure she'll find another day to drag me back here."

Mario chuckled and turned to Catherine, "It was a pleasure to have you, Ms. Braun. Please, do come back next time. A beauty like yours is certainly well welcomed here."

Catherine smiled politely, still too bewildered after what Sam said to play nicer. "Thank you."

Sam and Mario ushered her out and into the awaiting limo. They sat in their places once more and Catherine looked at Sam.

"Sam," she said tentatively.

"Yes, Mugs?"

"I'll go with you tomorrow," she said carefully and was relieved when he smiled widely.

"Of course," he said. "That's great to know. You still have a few hours to sleep; I'll be heading back there around 9:30. Your mother hates it when I don't come home early. I'm sure you're well aware of how she can be when upset."

"Hilarious?" Catherine said with a grin.

Sam chuckled. "Your words, not mine." He smiled. "You can sleep the later I'll have someone sent up for you. You can sleep at the ranch when we get there, I'm sure Lindsey will understand."

Catherine sat back and watched as the city passed her by once more. "When she finds out, I'm sure she'll be more than understanding."

-o0o-

He hadn't realized how long he's been sitting in her office, but before he knew it, Sara was already knocking on the door. He looked up to see her smiling at him, almost sadly.

"Hey," she said softly. "Shift just ended and we can do your paperwork later. How about we head home, have breakfast and go to bed?"

Gil shook his head. "You go ahead…I've got a lot of work to finish."

He had hoped that for once she would listen to him, but of course, she didn't. Instead, she stepped in and silently closed the door behind her. She walked over to him and knelt in front of him and placed both hands on his knees. "Are you going to tell me why she left now?"

Gil shook his head. "I told you, I _don't _know, Sara. I don't, why can't you get that?"

She looked a little hurt by his irritated tone, but he ignored it. "Okay, okay. You don't know, but I can see your upset about it. Want to share with me?"

Gil rolled his eyes. "She just up and left without notice, and left me with all the paperwork and shorthanded. Of course I'm upset."

Sometimes Sara was tempted to slap him and tell him she wasn't stupid. She knew there was more to it than that, even the blind, deaf and mute would know. "Is that all why you're upset? You snapped at Nick, you stayed here all night, you didn't even see if we have a new case and you're irritable and closed off. Are you angry she left?"

"Yes," Gil said honestly, feeling the weight on his shoulders. His guilt was growing, especially now with the way he was treating her. "I'm angry and-and…she didn't have to go."

In a rare moment Sara saw the sadness in his eyes as tried not to look at her. It was no secret that Gil Grissom was a man who never wanted to show emotion and to see it all in his eyes was indeed rare and it meant it was getting too much.

There was something more and she noted he hasn't looked her in the eye since she came back in that night. Something was wrong and she was determined to know what. It was more than just Catherine leaving. "Gil…"

Suddenly he pushed away from her, dragging the wheels of Catherine's former chair and put a distance between them. "Go home, please, I need time to think. I just want to be alone right now, please try to understand."

Surprised and indeed hurt by his pulling away, she stood up and tried to lean forward to kiss him goodbye, but she was surprised and even more hurt when he turned the chair and himself away. She stood up and tried not to crumble in front of him as she began to walk away.

She stopped at the door, her hand on the doorknob. "I'm here; Gil and you know I love you. Talk to me, you can't close yourself off like this. I know she was a friend and I know it's going to be hard not having her after twenty years of working together. We all understand, just don't push us away. Don't push me away."

Gil didn't bother to reply or look back as she left. Instead, he placed his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands miserably. Catherine was gone, wasn't he supposed to be feeling better? His infidelity was safe and Sara would never know and Catherine had given him that.

Catherine was gone and as much as told him with her decisions she wasn't about to ruin his life and career by telling. Even through everything, she was still being a friend and was willing to keep his secrets for him.

And Sara was willingly there, to help him deal with his loss and help him cope. She was understanding and was being the dutiful and faithful girlfriend.

That left Gil wondering what kind of man all this made him and how understanding Sara was going to be if she ever found out the truth.

-o0o0o0o-

That morning Catherine found herself sitting in a limo across from Sam. Her phone still lay unopened beside her and she wondered if it was time to check if anyone had left her messages. She sighed and mentally slapped herself. Of course she was bound to have messages. Leaving mid-shift wasn't exactly a normal resignation.

Sam looked at her, "Maybe you should check your phone."

"What?" Catherine choked out, looking at him curiously.

"You've been looking at your phone all morning and we won't be home for a while. It's a a bit of a long drive from here."

Catherine tried not to flinch at his mention of _home_, knowing Sam Braun's ranch would never be home to her. Home would always be…

She decided not to finish that thought. She had barely slept a wink the night before after tossing and turning, agonizing over what had become of her life. Thinking about that certainly wasn't going to help her any.

She sighed, "That obvious?"

He grinned. "You could say that."

Catherine sighed again and grabbed her phone, turned it on and waited for whatever had been waiting for her since she turned off her phone. She wasn't shocked to see a considerably large number of voice mail and text messages that was waiting for her. She decided it was now or never.

_Catherine, you can't let them do this to you. It's not too late. You can't quit. Don't do this. Please, Cath, talk to me. You can't end it like this, Catherine. Don't. _– Gil babbled through his message.

_Cath, where did you go? Please, talk to me. I wish you waited for me. I really need to talk to you. _– said a noticeably calm Gil.

_Catherine, where are you? We need to talk. This is Gil by the way. _– said a frantic Gil.

_Cath, I'm sorry…please, call me back. _– said a sorry Gil.

­_Please, Cath, I-I… it's not supposed to be this way. _– he sounded sad now.

_Catherine, this is ridiculous. Pick up your phone. _– demanding this time.

She shook her head and skipped the rest of his messages until she found a different name.

_Cath, it's me. What the hell is happening around here? They said you quit. What's up with that? Where are you? Call me. _– said a confused Warrick.

_Catherine? Why would you quit? Did I miss something? Call me. We need to talk. _– He sounded frazzled now. She could almost imagine him pacing back and forth in the locker room.

_I'm worried about you. Where are you? Come on, Cath. Pick up, it's Warrick. _– He was always her friend and now she was starting to miss him more.

She skipped his messages and found Nick and Greg on her list.

_Catherine, they said you quit. That's gotta be bull. What's up? It's Nick by the way. Call me back, would you? Let's talk about this._

_Hey, Cat, it's Greg-o. Hodges just fed me bull that you left. I think he snorted something in Trace. Call me, boss lady and we can kick his ass together. Aight, bye Cat._

_Hey, Cat, me again. Griss said you left. Was it something I did? I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Come back and I swear I'll behave. Well, I'll try. I'll even give you some of my Blue Hawaiian, you love that right, Cat? Cat? …Bye. –_she smiled sadly at the tone that said the young CSI might actually be sad and genuinely sorry.

She smiled at Greg's messages. She hated listening, she missed them and she was missing them more. She decided to delete the rest of their messages. She couldn't bear to hear them now.

Catherine pushed her phone in her purse and took a deep breath as she blinked back the tears. She turned her attention to the city and saw how different it looked in the daylight. She always marveled how the city looked a lot less sinful in the daylight, how without the lights, the smoke, the oddly dressed people and the chaos, it just looked like any other town with a lot of odd buildings.

She wondered if what she and Gil had looked like that, sinful in the night lights while he was with Sara and she played the role of the colleague, friend and secret lover, then sinless and perfect in the daylight when they were in the confines of her dark bedroom and in the comforts of her bed.

"Anything interesting?" Sam asked as he noticed the tears trying to fight their way into her eyes.

She shook her head. "No, just the guys at work, asking about me…it's nothing important."

"It's not too late to go back," he hated to say it, but he thought he might as well if he wanted her to be happy. If she was sure about leaving then he wanted to make sure she was really sure.

"No, it isn't," she said quietly. "Or yes, no—you know, I really don't know, but…" she thought of Gil and her last thoughts before Sam cut into her thoughts. A part of her still didn't think she did anything wrong and that scared her. She knew what she did was wrong, but a part still argued what she did was right and justifiable.

She had been the other woman, but a part of her didn't care and that scared her.

She turned to Sam. "It's not too late, I can go back now, but…" she took a deep breath a let it out slowly. "I can't do it anymore. I was so wrong in so many levels and I went against everything I stood for and hated…I need to start a new life and he needs to be with the one he loves and…it isn't me. If I want to start a new life, I need to be away from him and everything else."

"You didn't do anything out of the ordinary," Sam said.

She gave him a questioning look.

"You did what anyone in love would do, you went for it and got it," he said with a shrug. "Someone was pushed aside, but love can make you do the dumbest things. Moral or not moral, right or wrong, who cares about those things when the focus of their mind is on someone special? You loved him the best you could and he took what you wanted to give. If anyone was wrong, it was him. He took your love for granted and at the same time did the same thing with that other woman. He's the bastard, not you. If he loves her, he wouldn't have gone to you."

"What about me?" she asked, confusion and guilt showing clearly in her glassy blue eyes. "I-I let him in my bed, I let him in, I was wrong too."

"But you were too in love, weren't you?" Sam asked. "You still are. You're one of the most logical and sensible people I've ever met and I know you wouldn't normally do this, have an affair. Between the two of you, he was the man and he should have been man enough to own up to what he did. Any man who was really in love wouldn't have had an affair."

She sighed. "Words are just words, Sam. No matter what you tell me, my mind still screams out wrong and I will always hold everything against myself."

Sam nodded. "Yes, but I hope in time you see you did it for love and then maybe, you can tell me if it was all worth it."

Catherine turned away and looked out the window.

Was it worth it?

She remembered then how she felt right and loved in his arms, how she felt high with his kisses and how safe she was with him and how happy she was while they were together.

She felt the corner of her lips curl into a sad small smile.

Yes, it was worth it.

-o0o-

After an hour of sitting and thinking about Sara's last words, Gil stood up and walked out of Catherine's office. As he was closing the doors for what seemed like the last time he turned and became face to face with Conrad.

"Hey, Gil," he said with a malicious smile. "We're planning on turning this office over to the swing shift supervisor; she could use the extra space really so if Catherine left anything there, better take care of it or would you like someone else to..."

Gil rolled his eyes and began to walk away. "She took her things away, Conrad."

He expected the cocky Assistant Director to leave him alone, but Conrad persisted and decided to walk with him. "Oh, everything? That was fast. Did she say anything to you before leaving?"

"You know as well as I do she was gone by the time you released me," Gil ground out, willing himself not to be baited.

Conrad nodded. "So did you call her?"

"I did," Gil said. "She won't pick up."

"Can't blame her," Conrad said, shrugging.

"Don't you have some ass to kiss, Conrad?" Gil snapped and stopped to face the AD.

Conrad smiled. "Don't be so mad, Gil, you did the right thing. She would have been just as much as a liability to the lab as an asset."

"_I _did the right thing?"

Conrad smiled. "Yeah, it's better this way. You're getting good at politics. She taught you well."

"I didn't do anything, it was all you and you know it," Gil said in a low voice. "And damn politics to hell, it's all bullshit and all about kissing ass. It's an idiot's game."

Conrad looked around, pleased that some lab techs have decided to find out what was going on. He leaned in, his face near Gil's. "I'll let that slide, but with Catherine? You didn't do anything?"

"I didn't," Gil said firmly.

"Exactly, Gil," Conrad said with a gleeful smile. "Y_ou _didn't do _anything_. Basically, you fed her to the dogs, but that's our little secret, right?"

Gil pulled back, balling his hands into fists. He was tempted to take a much awaited swing at the cocky failure of man, but someone calling his name stopped him from doing so.

"Hey, Gil!" Jim Brass called, jogging to where he and Conrad stood.

Conrad smirked and turned to Gil. "You did the right thing, Gil. Don't worry about Catherine, she'll fogive you. She knows the game, maybe she'll even be proud you've learned how to play. Congratulations." He turned to Brass. "Good to see you, Jim."

Brass raised an eyebrow. "You too, Conrad."

With that, Conrad turned away and walked down the hall, sauntering with his proud gait as if flaunting his new triumph for everyone to see. Gil watched him with a scowl on his face.

"Gil," Brass said. "Let's go to my office. We've got some talking to do."

He pulled Gil away, shaking his head at the day shift lab techs who were blatantly staring. Immediately, the prying eyes looked away as the captain led the supervisor to his office. Brass pushed Gil in and closed the door and the blinds of his office. "Sit down, Gil."

Gil did as he was told and unclenched his fist.

Brass sat behind his desk and took out his bottle of bourbon. "We're off the clock."

Nodding, Gil was thankful he had something to at least numb the raging thoughts in his head. He took the glass he was offered and sat back.

"You look like you were about to deck Ecklie out in the hall," Brass commented after taking a sip.

Gil did the same before speaking. "I was just about to."

Brass nodded. "So, what's he got to rile you up like that?"

Gil shook his head and downed the rest of his glass in one move.

"Easy now," Brass said, seeing it unusual for the scientist to be drinking like that. "Must be serious if the man can drive you to drinking."

Gil shrugged and placed his glass on Brass' desk. He was already in deep enough trouble with Sara; coming home drunk was surely going to raise suspicions. "I'm done."

"This about Catherine?" Brass asked, leaning back in his chair and looking at Gil.

"You heard?" Gil asked sullenly.

"Everyone's talking about it," Brass said. "Even swing knows already and they haven't been in here yet. Plus, I bet your little show with Conrad out there just added fuel to the proverbial fire."

"She's gone, Jim," Gil said with a sigh. "And I can't believe I'm saying this, but Conrad was right. It's all my fault. I did this to her."

Brass shook his head. "He doesn't know crap. He's an idiot politician, Gil and you know that. He messes with people's minds for a living. That idiot." He finished his drink and poured another. "So, about Catherine, what makes you think it's your fault?"

Gil shrugged. "Too complicated. Long story. My fault."

"We got all day, you look like you're not in a hurry to get home," Brass said with a grin. "But I am hoping you'll speak in full and clear sentences."

Gil sighed. "I think you're going to need more than just a bottle for this."

Brass raised an eyebrow.

-o0o-

Catherine hadn't realized she had dozed off when she felt Sam shaking lightly. She found herself on a small pillow in the back of the limo and Sam leaning over her. She looked around and saw, beyond the tinted windows, trees and light.

"Time to wake up, Mugs," Sam said with a smile. "I've got a room waiting for you; you can go up and sleep better there."

Nodding, she eased up from her position and looked at the pillow then at Sam questioningly.

"I always have Raul, my driver, bring a pillow for your mother when we go out," he explained. "I thought you'd be more comfortable."

"Thanks," she said as she sat up fully and ran a hand through her hair. She looked to the other side of the window and saw the grand doors of the house open with an woman in a uniform stood waiting.

"We're home," Sam said, nodding at the doors.

Catherine still didn't bother to acknowledge the word _home_ as she grabbed her purse and straightened her jacket. "Lindsey and mom here?"

"Probably out back riding," Sam said as he pushed the door open. He eased out and offered his hand for her to take.

She took the hand and allowed him to help her out even though she was tempted to tell him she was capable enough to get out on her own. She looked at the mansion and nodded, "It's big."

"You've been here before," he said with a grin.

She nodded. "I didn't notice how big, I was too busy trying to find you."

He nodded. "It's all in the past. Come on," he said offering his arm like he used to. He hoped she would take it like she used to and was happy when she did. "I've got a room ready for you across from Lindsey. I'll have them bring your luggage in, but right now I want you back in bed."

"I need to say say hi to mom and Lindsey first," Catherine said, but Sam shook his head.

"No, you need sleep," he said. "I know your mother will be asking some questions, but you know she can take all day. Once she gets started she can't stop so rest up before facing her firing squad of one."

Catherine giggled. "Guess you're right, but do they know I'm here?"

"Not yet," he said as he led her into the house. "This is Marina," he said to the again woman in a uniform. "She's the housekeeper I was telling you about."

Catherine nodded, "The handkerchiefs."

Sam nodded. "Mari, this my daughter, Catherine. She'll be staying with us."

The woman, her skin white and wrinkled and her graying hair pulled back in a bun, smiled happily. "Oh, Miss Catherine, I have been waiting to meet you for a long time! Your father talks about you so much and your mother too. Miss Lindsey is a beautiful child, just like her mother."

Catherine smiled, her cheeks flushing red. "Oh, thank you, but you can call me Catherine…"

Marina nodded, but started to wave Sam aside. "You go. Miss Lily is waiting for you. Miss Lindsey started her lessons early with Miss Monica. Miss Lily wanted to watch and wants you to be there as well."

Sam turned to Catherine, "Mari is the only one who can do this to me, remember, but I'll leave you to her. She's excellent; you'll be in great hands, Mugs."

Catherine smiled at Marina. "Okay."

Sam turned to Marina. "Make sure she gets some sleep. We went out for dinner late and you know how Lily can be when she starts with her questions."

"All day," Marina said with a smile. "I'll take care of Miss Catherine, you go."

Sam kissed Catherine on the forehead. "I'll see you later, Mugs. Sweet dreams."

Catherine nodded as Sam walked away and into the grand house. She turned to Marina who was smiling at her.

"You are beautiful," Marina said. "Just as your father said you'd be."

Catherine tried not to duck away. "Thank you, Marina."

"Mari, dear," said the woman. "I have much to tell you, but we need to get you to bed. You look tired, dear." She turned to Raul who was waiting by the doors. "Come, Raul."

Raul nodded as the Marina began to lead Catherine up the grand staircase, chattering the whole way how beautiful Catherine was and how much fun Lindsey was having during her stay. Catherine could only listen with a smile, unsure of what to say as she followed the woman up the stairs, down the halls and into another set of halls.

Despite her appearance, Marina was stronger than Catherine had expected. The woman navigated the halls with ease and chatted excitedly, expressing how happy she was to have Catherine stay at the ranch.

"Your father must be very pleased to have you here," Marina said as she led Catherine down the hall. Your parent's room is right here," she motioned for black double doors to the side. Catherine felt her stomach lurch with the word _parents_. "And Miss Lindsey chose her room here," she motioned for the blue set of double doors. "And you, Miss Catherine, will be staying across, right here," she stopped them by the identical set of doors across from Lindsey's.

Marina smiled before opening the doors and stepping aside to let Catherine see.

Catherine looked around, struck by the grandness and the coziness of the room. The French doors stood open, the curtains billowing lightly against the soft breeze, the directly across was a four poster queen sized bed with curtains tucked to the side. On the corner was a vanity then a table with books lined on them. A vase of fresh flowers stood on the bedside table, on one side a door that led to a bathroom and on the other side another door led to what Catherine guessed was the closet. It was almost like a hotel suite, but this one looked like it was made just for her.

"Is everything to your liking, dear?" Marina asked.

Catherine nodded with a smile. "Bigger than my kitchen so yeah, guess it'd do."

Marina chuckled and gestured for Raul to bring her bag in. Catherine thanked him before turning to woman. "This is beautiful, thank you, Mari."

The woman smiled. "Oh, not me, dear, your father requested for this." Then she nodded, "He's had this room waiting for a long time now."

Catherine looked at the woman, bewildered. "What do you mean?"

Marina smiled. "He's been waiting for you to come home."

-o0o0o0o-

I know, I know…its getting un-Catherine and un-CSI like, but please, tell me what you think anyway. Good or bad or whatever.

And ducking to avoid flying objects I know the Sara thing isn't that nice, but you know this will be Grillows so…you'll see.

This sucked, but tell me anyway! xoxo


	7. Chapter 7

Hardest Thing

Hardest Thing

By: iferleigh

Rating: T (just in case)

Disclaimer: The ones you know aren't mine and the ones you don't know are mine.

Note: Things are definitely getting un-CSi for Catherine. Oh, and prepare for **Sam/Lily **moments (I think they were beautiful together and I always wanted a family set-up for Catherine where Sam would be a great dad to her, but since he's dead…) Prepare for a new character too!

-o0o-

Chapter Seven: An Idiot and an Empty House

Brass shook his head and sat back, gripping his now empty glass and stared at Grissom. He was looking at his old friend, old colleague, old _everything_ like he didn't know him.

"Don't look at me like that, please," Gil mumbled as he buried his face in his hands.

"I always knew there was something between you and Catherine," he said with a shrug. "But Sara Sidle? What—tell me, what idiotic force compelled you to do that? She's your subordinate, lower than Catherine's position, which means deeper shit, Gil, you know that. And its bad enough Ecklie hates you separately, but together? You gotta be kidding me."

Gil shook his head. "Thank you, dear voice of conscience, that really helps."

Brass sighed. "Fine, fine," he raised his ands up in mock surrender, one of them still clutching the glass. "Okay, so let me get this straight. You and Sara are-are—" he stopped. "What are you?"

"Together? Living in one house?" Gil said dryly. "Oh, we even have a dog named after that idiot ME she dated a few years back."

"Who?" Brass asked. "That guy, Hank?"

Gil nodded. "Yeah, Hank…we have…I don't know, but we're under one roof, in one bed—"

"I don't need the glorious details," Brass muttered, raising his hand. "So, you're together and three weeks ago you and Catherine…got together?" the end of his sentence sounded more like a question.

Gil nodded. "You could say that."

Brass nodded and placed the glass next to his now almost empty bottle. "So let me get this straight again, you and Sara are together, but three weeks ago you and Catherine_ got_ together, then Ecklie, being the ass that he is, and along with idiot McKeen, had you tailed and thought you and Catherine are together like Sara and you together. So to give you two a way out and to save us all the scandal, they let one of you resign with no hassle and no problem?"

Sighing, Gil nodded.

"And Catherine took the fall and now she's gone?" Brass asked rhetorically.

Gil nodded sullenly, "In a very much abbreviated way, yes, that's what happened."

Brass nodded, "I gotta say this, but am I happy I'm not you." Then he chuckled. "I always knew you had to get laid, but I didn't think you'd snap like this."

Gil shook his head. "Could you please be a little less annoying and be more supportive about this? Please, Jim? I really need help here."

After a small laugh Brass nodded. "Well, as I said, I always knew you and Catherine had something and I gotta tell you, congratulations. She's beautiful and smart plus since I've known you two, you've been following her like a lost puppy."

"And there's the loud but," Gil muttered, rubbing the back of his neck as he stared at the ground.

"But Sara?" Brass said with a frown. "Everyone knows she's been your very own lost puppy since she came here from Frisco. Hell, there's even a pool on how long she can last." He scoffed. "But Gil, no one ever bet you'd go for her. Well, maybe there were some people who took risks or were real friendly with her enough to think it was worth a shot."

Gil looked at Brass. "The office betting pool?"

Brass nodded. "It was always Catherine or someone, some bet on Lady Heather, at one time Terri Miller and even Sophia, but not really Sara…and now you tell me this? Gil, what were you thinking?" He stopped then shook his head, "No, no, no, scratch that. Why would you do that?"

Gil shook his head, closing his eyes. "I wasn't thinking, well, not really, but Jim, let's face it, I'm not getting any younger and one day I just looked at my life—our lives, when you got shot." He sighed. "One minute everything is the way it is the next minute you've been shot then I have to decide what happens to you then Ellie came then…I don't know, everything just started to pile up and before I knew it I was in…Sara's bed, telling her how I'd want to die."

"You were talking about death while in bed?" Brass smirked. "Way to get her in the mood," he muttered, but backtracked when Gil gave him a look. "So this started when I got shot?"

"It just made me think of life, you know," Gil said. "Who would I grow old with, who will I take care of, who'll care about me…who'll cry for my grave."

"You think too dark, Gil," Brass deadpanned. "First off, you got me and Catherine, like always, we're growing old together as painful as that thought is and second, well, when we're all too old to wipe our own asses, Sanders will be man enough to do that for us and about crying on you grave?" he chuckled. "Better get that out of your head because I don't think Catherine's going to let that happen. She'll dig you up and hit you with a lightning bolt if it ever comes to that."

"It's not supposed to be a joke, Jim," Gil said dryly.

"Who said I was kidding?" Brass asked with a raised eyebrow.

Gil sighed. "Catherine…I always knew I was out of her league, that's why I stopped and contented myself with the friendship, but then…"

"What changed three weeks ago?" Brass asked like he was in detective mode.

"I don't know," Gil said. "One night, I actually took a day off and Sara had work to do…then Cath called me up from a bar, a bit intoxicated and mumbling about some guy feeling her up. I asked where she was and picked her up. Next thing I know," he stopped as images flashed through his mind. The memories he had tried to suppress came coming back. He shut eyes tight when the image of her in her sexy black dress that told Gil why the guy was feeling her up came. "We're at her house, saying no to each other, but at the same time tearing at each other's clothes."

"Thank you for that lovely image," Brass muttered, wincing.

"I couldn't help myself," he rubbed his forehead. "God, I sound like a felon saying that…but really, Jim, I couldn't. And she wanted me too, and I swear, by the time we got to her house she got sobered up. She was fine and she knew exactly what she was doing and what she wanted."

Brass chuckled. "You two sound like a cliché B-list movie." He stopped when Gil threw him a dirty look. "Okay, sorry, wrong choice of words."

"Jim, I was lucky enough to have her one night," Gil said with a sigh. "But then when we saw each other again at the lab…"

"Please, tell me you didn't do it anywhere here," Brass begged, then sighed in relief when Gil shook his head vigorously. He nodded, "You couldn't help it?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "She's like a drug, Jim, I couldn't get enough of her and for some reason, whenever we tried to tell ourselves no we couldn't stop. She's beautiful and she got me addicted to her, intoxicating, tempting, alluring, enchanting, bewitching—she's everything and more, Jim."

"She is, but let me ask this," Brass said, leaning forward this time with on his forearms. "What changed today? You said you broke it off this morning."

Gil shrugged. "I woke up and saw what I did and what I was doing to Catherine, to Sara and to myself." He smiled softly. "Catherine—she was sleeping and she looked so beautiful, but I couldn't get Sara out of my mind…my guilt was eating away at me and…I couldn't do it anymore."

"So what did you do?"

"I tried leaving while she was asleep," he stopped when he saw Brass make a face. "I know it wasn't a smart move, but I couldn't face…"

"The wrath of Catherine?" Brass said with a knowing look.

Gil nodded. "Partly, but I didn't want to see her angry at me like she was with Eddie or with that Chris guy…I can face anything, just not that, but the real truth is I couldn't risk seeing her anything other than angry. If she thinks I hurt her and tells me so…I wouldn't know what to do."

Brass nodded, realizing that maybe his CSI friend missed some signs and some clues along the way and had dealt his cards wrong. He thought maybe he had unintentionally made a mistake. It was in moments and circumstances like these when Brass would question his friend's intelligence.

"I couldn't face her like that, I don't know what I'd do if she ever looked at me like that," he said, burying his face in his hands. "But she woke up and I had to tell her."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her I couldn't keep doing this to Sara and I couldn't keep doing it with her," he said, looking as defeated and as remorseful as he sounded. "And I told her I love Sara and I couldn't keep doing this to her …and then she said I should go…she wasn't angry, she even smiled… I got nothing else Jim, she just smiled and said we'll be okay and we'll just forget it…I couldn't see for sure what she was feeling…she let me walk away and I did and now…she's really gone and it's all my fault."

Brass nodded. "Can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"Do you really love Sara?" Brass asked. "Or did you just say that so you can make yourself believe it and walk away from Catherine?"

Gil sighed. "I don't know, Jim. Sara is…interesting and she's different at work and outside…but it's not the way I expected love to be…"

"What about when you're with Catherine?"

"I-I…it was always perfect and she was always beautiful," he said with that same smile he had before. "When we…were together I felt better than I've ever felt. She was so perfect Jim…It felt right, but it was so wrong. I told you, she was tempting and enchanting and everything. She was like…something beyond me. She's out of my league. You see why I had to walk away?"

Brass shook his head, "Honestly, Gil? Apart from Sara, no, at least not really…"

"What do you mean?" Gil asked.

"I mean, if Catherine made you feel all that and maybe more, I don't see why you're losing your head over it," Brass said, earning himself an incredulous and confused look. "Hear me out, if Sara is, as you said, interesting to be with and yadda, yadda different and all that, but when it comes to Catherine, she makes you feel like you just snorted the best weed in the world so I don't see why you chose Sara instead of Catherine. It doesn't make sense."

"I was trying to be logical about it," Gil said, rolling his eyes. "I was doing what was right."

"And you think it's right to be with Sara just because you find her interesting?" Brass asked sarcastically. "And that's logical? Gil, it's fucking L-O-V-E, love, it's not suppose to be logical."

"Well, I'd prefer it logical, at least it'd be easier for me, but Jim, Sara trusts me and I'm the only one she'll let in," Gil explained. "I can't tell you why, but she needs me, she needs me and I'm all she's got…and I almost ruined it because of Catherine. I promised so much to Sara and one of them was trust, but I've broken it…she doesn't know yet, but I did. That's why I had to end it with Catherine…I couldn't hurt Sara like that. She's been hurt enough. I couldn't let her find out."

Brass shook his head. "You want to know what I really think?"

"Please," Gil said with a bit of sarcasm as he buried his face once more in his hands, rubbing as if he was trying to wipe the guilt from his face. "Enlighten me."

"I don't think this is all about Sara and the trust and doing the right thing bull," Brass said. "I think this is about Catherine. And you."

Gil raised an eyebrow.

"You underestimate me," Brass said with a frown. "I know more about women and people in general than you so let me shove this in your face before you really lose any chance you might have left with Catherine."

"I'm listening."

"I think you told Catherine you love Sara even though you know you don't because you can't face the possibility that she might reject you," Brass said bluntly and in one breath.

Gil swallowed a sudden lump in his throat, but remained silent.

"We've seen Cath with other guys, we've seen her date," Brass continued, amused at the look on Gil's face, like a deer in the headlights. "And it's obvious you're not her type, but…" he stopped and stared at his friend. "You love her only you're too afraid she's going to reject you."

Gil shook his head and thought about denying it, but he knew Jim Brass knew him just as well as Catherine, if not better. "No, that's not it."

Suddenly Brass felt like he was interviewing a criminal and they were nearing the end where the idiot would confess why he did it and answer all the questions. "Then what is it really?"

"She," Gil began. "She's beautiful and she's smart and she's basically everything a guy could ever ask for…I know her type, Jim, we both do and yeah, it's not me so I'm not afraid she's going to reject me. I _know_ she will and I if I already knew the answer, why bother trying?"

"That's not the Gil Grissom we know."

"When it comes to this, this is Gil Grissom," he said. "I never saw myself as a cheat, but I did it and I did with the woman who's been the best friend I could ever had and…she's gone and it's all my fault…it doesn't matter if I love her or not or if she rejects me…"

"So, what you're just going to give up?"

"I have no reason to keep trying," Gil said, defeat written all over his face. "But then I keep seeing the look on her face…she looked hurt, so hurt while I told her I love Sara, but then in a minute it was gone…I don't know if I imagined it or not…"

"You didn't," Brass said abruptly.

"What do you mean?" Gil asked, wondering why the captain sounded so sure.

"You know, sometimes I wonder about you," Brass said, scowling. "You come off as one hell of a smart guy but when it comes to humans, which I would like to point out, you are, you're totally clueless and stupid. I don't get it."

"Kick them when they're down, why don't you?" Gil muttered.

"I'm sorry, all right?" Brass said, rubbing his hands together. "But you're an idiot, Gil. Plain and simple, you're an idiot. Don't you see it?"

"I'll let the idiot thing slide," Gil said seriously. "See what?"

"She loves you."

"Sara."

"See? An idiot with a Ph.D."

"Catherine?"

"Bingo."

Gil shook his head. "No, she doesn't love me, she can't possibly…"

"That's your problem, Gil, right there," Brass said. "You won't believe she loves you because you don't want to believe you can be loved by someone as beautiful and as smart as her. That's your problem, you can't accept the fact that you're worth loving by someone other than your mother and a lovesick kid like Sara."

"She's not a kid," Gil insisted, the uneasy feeling that the statement invoked made him feel wrong.

"Compared to Catherine, she is," Brass muttered.

"Then stop comparing them!" Gil said, throwing his hands up. "They're different, okay? Stop comparing them, it's not fair and it's not right. Catherine is Catherine and Sara is Sara."

"Fine, Gil, but," Brass shook his head. "Really, from this angle you sound and look stupid. I really wonder about that Ph.D. of yours."

"That makes me feel so much better," Gil said sarcastically. "Sometimes I don't know why I even talk to you about this stuff."

Brass grinned. "Well, I don't think you can discuss this with your mother—she'll kill you with her bare hands for cheating and I don't think this is the kind of conversation Catherine can help you with so that pretty much leaves me." His smiled got wider. "Unless you'd like Sara's opinion on this, Dr. Grissom?"

"That's not funny, Jim," Gil said dryly, knowing Jim had been right about the two other people Gil had been comfortable enough to share his thoughts with, but at the same time upset at his trite reference to Sara again. "I just don't know what to do anymore, to be honest."

"Gil," Brass said, making him look at him. "Just do it."

"Do what?"

"Just tell her you love her," Brass said. "You'll be surprised of what she'll say."

"No," Gil said. "Not going to happen."

Brass sighed, sounding truly tired this time. "That's another problem of yours, Gil, you're a damn coward. Just tell her how you feel, Gil, you know, like the rest of the people in this damn planet. Do it quick and easy, like pulling off a band aid. It'll work, I swear."

"And when she does reject me," Gil said but went on before Brass could object. "And she will, I will definitely need more than a band aid."

"You're hopeless," Brass muttered as he poured another drink for himself. "And you're driving me home. This is your fault I'm drinking."

-o0o-

Catherine changed into an old oversized t-shirt and pajama bottoms and slid into bed. Usually, she wasn't easy to adapt when it came to strange beds, but this one, the one that her father had prepared for her, seemed to be just perfect for in no time at all, she was already asleep.

Unbeknownst to her, Sam had slipped out into the back of the house where Lily sat watching Lindsey pay close attention to her new trainer's instructions. The old Arabian, Byron, stood close as Monica Jones told Lindsey what to do.

"What took you so long?" Lily asked before Sam could let his presence be known.

He smiled and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I had some things to take care of." He took the seat next to her and held her hand. "And how do you do that?"

"Don't think a big old lump like you can move without being heard," Lily said with a grin. "And you're loud and clumsy."

"Don't tease, my dear," Sam said with a chuckle. "And I am not clumsy."

"But you're old," Lily teased.

"But still devastatingly handsome," he said playfully.

Lily laughed. "All right, whatever you say, but what business did you have to take care of to miss breakfast? Have you eaten?"

Sam shook his head. "I ate a little late for dinner, I bumped into someone checking into the Rampart."

"Oh?" she asked, hoping it wasn't some young thing or some bitter or angry acquaintance.

Sam nodded. "Yeah, and I took her out to dinner and we had a talk."

"Her?"

"Her," Sam said, knowing what she must be thinking now. "At Drai's."

"Oh," Lily said, pulling her hand back as she leaned back in her cushioned seat and watched her granddaughter. She had been honest with Catherine when she said she didn't expect monogamy from Sam, but she hadn't believed Sam was still capable of cheating then now that they were back together.

Sam smiled and poked her on the side, making her jump. "Your daughter."

Lily slapped him on the arm, making him laugh once more. "Samuel Frederick Braun I told you not to do that!" she shrieked as he laughed louder at her use of his full name. "I'm serious, which daughter and why was she checking into the Rampart? Is it Nancy? Catherine had work to do tonight so I'm sure…"

"It was Catherine," Sam said as he calmed immediately.

Lily's brows furrowed. "What? Why would she be checking into the Rampart? She had work and what about her house? Oh, no, was she checking in _with_ someone?"

Sam shook his head, this time the smile left his face and was replaced with a troubled look. "I wish, I really wish she was checking in with someone."

"But she was checking in?" Lily asked, getting increasingly worried.

Sam nodded, "As Catherine Flynn."

Lily was both confused and worried now. "Why would she do that?" Then after a moment, "Oh, Sam, please don't tell me something's wrong with her and Gil?"

Sam hung his head, happy that he hadn't been forced to say it out loud for he knew he wouldn't have known what to say, but at the same time saddened at what his only daughter was going through. "She quit her job and…well, let's just say you can stop worrying about that Grissom guy now."

Lily shook her head. "No! How can she quit her job, Sam? She loves that job—though God knows why with death and blood and everything in there—but she loves doing it! Why would she quit? And what happened with Gil?"

Sam sighed. "One at a time, Lils. First, they broke it off this morning—don't as me why," he said when she opened her mouth. "It's not my place to tell you."

She nodded. "All right, all right, but she loved that man."

"I know," Sam said gruffly. "And about quitting her job…the one running that place is an asshole and she quit to save Grissom's career."

"Did they find out about them?" Lily asked, her face in a look of both sadness and disappointment.

Sam nodded. "It was either him or her and she couldn't face him anymore, she said, since he's in love with someone else so she left. He didn't come after her."

Lily shook her head and turned away to look at Lindsey who was laughing with Monica now. "I was afraid of this, Sam. Catherine loves Gil very much and he's such a good man."

Sam scowled. "A good man wouldn't let a woman take the fall nor would he pursue her then tell her he's in love with someone else. He's a bastard, Lily, I told you so, but you wouldn't believe me. Look what happened."

"Grissom is a good man, Sam," Lily said softly. "He took care of your daughter and granddaughter, remember that."

"He did and yes, I'm grateful for that," Sam admitted. "But he led her on and let her hope for something more then told her can't be with her anymore because he's in love with someone else. He may have been a good man, but no good man sleeps with someone else if he really loved the one he was with."

Lily shook her head. "Something isn't right, Sam. I've seen them together, he loves her."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Lily, he hurt your daughter—our daughter. You can't keep insisting he's a good man and he loves her. He told her so himself that he's in love with someone else and when she took the fall for him, he didn't go after her."

"The man doesn't always come after the girl, Sam," Lily said knowingly. "You know that."

"At some point they do," Sam said, knowing this was a fact he hadn't bothered to tell Catherine, out of fear he might get her hopes up for nothing.

"Maybe that time hasn't come yet," Lily said, turning to smile at him.

"You put too much faith in people," Sam muttered.

Lily smiled and held his hand in hers. "If I didn't, I wouldn't be here with you right now and Lindsey as well."

Sam nodded. "Lily, you just dug me my grave."

"Huh?" Lily asked, wondering how the talk went from their daughter to another of her daughter's failed relationship, her faith in him to his grave.

"I told you it wasn't my place to tell about Catherine," he muttered. "Now look what you let me do."

"Did you talk to her last night at Drai's?" Lily asked.

Sam nodded. "Yes, Mario loved her."

Lily smiled. "And she talked to you?"

He nodded with a smile. "Yes, she did, but it was either me or no one. She needed to talk to someone and I happened to be there."

Lily nodded. "That's very good, thank you for being there for her."

"She's my daughter, too," Sam said, kissing her on the forehead.

"So about checking in the Rampart? Is she still there?" Lily asked nervously.

"No," Sam said. "You can't really think I'd leave her there. I checked her in the Rosewood suite before Drai's and she went to sleep there before we left, but she agreed to come here."

Lily bolted from her seat. "What? Why didn't you tell me? I have to be with her…"

Sam shook his head and took her hand in his, pulling her back down to sit. "Lil, she's asleep in the room across Lindsey's."

"The room you prepared for her?" Lily asked with a soft smile.

Sam nodded. "And she's tired, she needs to sleep. She'll come down when she's ready."

Lily nodded reluctantly. Like Sam, she was trying to make up for the times she lost with her daughter. Slowly, since Catherine had found out about her reconciliation with Sam, she had begun to try to repair their relationship.

It had taken them a long walk down to memory lane—from Catherine's bittersweet childhood with a father she thought didn't want her to her 'Uncle' Sam to the events, mainly her rebellion, that came after Oasis's death to her running away from home a year later then to her return another year after that where Lily had been forced to close her doors on her own daughter to the life before and after Eddie.

A lot had happened and Catherine was slowly letting Lily back in, helping as much as she could allow herself to repair and build a new relationship with her mother.

And Lily knew this was the time for her to step up. She hadn't been there for so many of the events in Catherine's life and she knew it was time she tried to be a better mother to Catherine.

Lily would never admit it out loud to anyone, but she knew she had favored Nancy when they were young, trying to make up to Nancy's father for the things—mainly things that involved Sam and Catherine—that she knew bothered him and filled their family life with tension.

Lily was making up and now was the time; she knew what it felt like to lose someone she loved tremendously. Only she was lucky to have a second chance, to have him sitting next to her now and Lily hoped her daughter would be blessed the same way.

"Don't tell her I told you already," Sam said, interrupting her thoughts.

She smiled. "I won't."

He smiled. "We'll be here for her, we can do that and we'll help her through this. She'll be fine, Lil, she'll always be fine. She's a fighter."

"Like her father," Lily said with a smile.

-o0o-

Gil dropped a muttering Jim Brass home, where he noticed a black Denali was parked, it wasn't a government issued one, but it was the same make. He wondered who owned it, knowing Jim wasn't one for vehicles like that. Gil knew Jim liked his Dodge Charger best.

"Whose Denali is that?" Gil asked out loud just as Jim got out.

"Focus on your own troubles first, Gil," Jim said as he straightened up. "I'll tell you mine when your crap is done."

Gil raised an eyebrow. "Anyone I know?"

"Oh yeah," Jim muttered as he moved to close the door. "You know what, try to talk to her, okay? You didn't get to talk to her after she left, but you need to talk to her. I'm betting she's damning you to hell right now for not going after her."

"I called her, she's not picking up," Gil said.

Jim shook his head. "You _are_ an idiot. Of course she won't pick up. _Go_ to her."

Gil nodded. "You know you have to stop with the idiot thing."

Jim shook his head, "No way, not until I see Catherine again smiling while sauntering back and forth down the CSI labs, having a fiesta with her return and rubbing it on idiot Ecklie's face."

"It's not that easy," Gil muttered as he gripped the wheel.

"You started it," Jim fired back. "And honestly, whenever it comes to you and Catherine, it never is easy."

Gil nodded. "True."

"And that's all you," Jim said. "Dealing with you is like pulling out teeth."

Gil grimaced, "What is with you and analogies today?"

Jim shrugged. "Anyway, gotta go or else I'm going to have to deal with some ass whipping of my own."

Gil nodded. "Thanks again, Jim."

"Yeah, yeah," Jim said with a grin as he closed the front passenger seat door. "I'll thank Catherine when you fix things, so I won't have to do this again."

"Sick of me already?" Gil said teasingly.

"You have no idea," Jim said, slamming the door with a chuckle.

Sighing, Gil drove off. He wasn't in the mood to see Sara, knowing she would still be awake until now and waiting for him. He knew he should have gone home, at least so Sara would sleep, but the thought of getting in bed with someone else while Catherine lay broken up alone haunted him.

He made a quick decision and drove off in a different direction, away from his townhouse with Sara and to another different location. The same location he had driven away from the morning before.

He would at least try to set things right. He couldn't afford to lose her friendship and maybe, he could even try to get her back to her job.

He would set things right and he was determined to do that today.

-o0o-

Gil drove to the Willows' home that had almost been his home in the three weeks he spent with Catherine, but he was puzzled to find the driveway empty. He thought maybe for once, in one of her rare moments, she had actually parked her own Denali inside her garage. He shrugged it off and parked his own Denali in the driveway and pulled out his own key to her house. He only realized then he had forgotten to return it and she hadn't asked for it.

He knocked on her front door, knowing she might take his waltzing into her home uninvited offensive. "Catherine?"

When he got no answer, he tried again, but got the same result. He sighed and decided to use his key, whatever wrath lay ahead for him, he would face it.

He knew he deserved it.

When he entered the house, the feeling of emptiness had come to him, but he went in and looked around. Nothing was out of place, no sign of grief or of anything being moved. He went on to her room, hoping to find her asleep.

He found her bed empty and unmade.

He moved to check Lindsey's room and found it empty as well. He moved to the teenager's closet and was surprised to see it almost empty. He knew she had a lot of clothes and he was surprised that obviously stacks were missing.

He felt his heart beat faster.

He ran back to Catherine's room and looked around. He realized he hadn't looked closely enough for some of her things on her vanity were gone. He went to her closet and found clothes left, but still, like Lindsey, stacks were missing. He felt his heart constrict as he rummaged to her almost empty drawers on her vanity. The jewelry box sat in the same place she had left it only, when he opened it, found it almost completely empty.

The only item left was the necklace he had given her.

Shaking, he fingered the gold chain then the butterfly pendant he had chosen just for her.

Like her office, she had taken what she wanted most and left what he had given her behind, a sign saying it was over and she was gone.

Seeing the necklace lying lonesome alone in her red velvet lined jewelry box only made it more real. Gil felt like he was going to throw up.

Catherine wasn't only gone from the lab, she was gone. She was truly, completely gone.

Gil collapsed in her bedroom and crawled to her bed, shaking with his eyes wide. He thought he was having a heart attack, but knew he wasn't. He crawled onto her bed and pulled her pillow close to him, inhaling her unique scent that he had begun to miss.

"Catherine," he whispered, before tears began to slip down his cheeks, her pillow still clutched to his body while he sat shaking and murmuring her name over and over.

He murmured her name like a chant to bring her back, but he knew he was too late and she wasn't coming back.

She was gone.

-o0o0o0o-

I know this fic is flat lining, but it will pick up, I promise!

Spoilers:

Catherine gets sucked into a new world and Gil—well, I won't tell you about him, but I have lots planned. Just expect a new character and big changes. Oh and you'll see what happens with the other CSI's and Sara, namely GSR. You'll see.

Sometimes it takes us a while to get back to where we're supposed to be—all we need is time. I hope you're all willing to give me that with my promise that this will be Grillows to Grillowstopia.

Thanks so much for the reviews! I revel in them, you have no idea!


	8. Chapter 8

Hardest Thing

By: iferleigh

Rating: T (just in case)

Disclaimer: The ones you know aren't mine and the ones you don't know are mine.

Note: thanks as always for the reviews! Thank you for your patience, I know it gets boring without the Grillows and with the touch of GSR (trust me, I'm trying to keep it as minimal as I can, I think my fingers burn when I do those scenes). I'm planning something for GSR. I really can't keep going with them. _sigh_ anyway, let's move on…

-o0o-

Chapter Eight: Missing and Miss

Catherine was still deep in her sleep when she felt something brush her nose. In her sleep, she could have sworn she heard giggling, but she brushed the imaginary whatever off her nose and burrowed deeper into the covers, dreaming.

She was dreaming she was in a garden, full of butterflies and beautiful flowers and she was wearing a yellow sundress. She smiled as she watched the butterflies fly in all sorts of directions, their beautiful wings boasting their beauty. She walked on further until she saw a man with his back to her, wearing a suit. Puzzled, she began to approach the man.

Then she felt something brush her nose again.

She moaned and brushed off the unruly thing that touched her nose and went on, approaching the man. She was closer now. She was close enough to touch his shoulder.

Then again something brushed the full length of her nose.

And a giggle followed.

She did touch the man's shoulder, but he had begun to turn only before she could look at him she was jerked back to reality by another giggle.

Catherine's eyes snapped open.

Lindsey was on her bed, smiling and giggling, wearing a sports shirt and a riding helmet. Instantly the dream was forgotten as Catherine realized she hadn't heard her daughter giggle like that in a while now.

"Hey sleepyhead," Lindsey said, much like the way her mother used to every time she came home in the morning early enough to catch her still sleeping.

Catherine smiled and pushed the covers aside, her eyes still a little bleary and heavy from sleep, "Hey, baby."

"Hi, mom," Lindsey said happily as she took her riding helmet off and lay next to her. "Grandpa said you're staying here for a while."

Catherine nodded," We're staying here for a while, if you think that's okay…"

Lindsey smiled broadly and sat up, looking down on her still sleepy mother. "Really?"

Catherine nodded. "Really, is that okay?"

Lindsey squealed and landed on her mother, careful not to crush her, as she hugged her. "That's so cool! I'm so there!"

Catherine smiled as she hugged her daughter back. "Someone's happy."

Lindsey nodded and pulled back, smiling back at her mother. "Yes, duh, of course I am! I can stay and we can have fun and grandma and grandpa will be so happy and Byron won't have to miss me as much!"

Catherine nodded, but turned her face serious. "And aren't you supposed to be telling me something I should know?" she raised an eyebrow for effect.

And just like that the excitement was gone and she could see her daughter visibly squirm as she hesitantly reached for her riding helmet. "Well…"

"Well?" Catherine asked sternly, making sure not to smile. She loved to see her daughter squirm, just as her own mother loved to see her squirm when she was young.

Lindsey bit her bottom lip, much like the same way Catherine used to at the same age. "I made a deal with grandpa that if I could get my grades up, I get a horse. I picked the old one, Byron and well, you saw my grades…" she shrugged.

Catherine nodded. "And you didn't tell me because?"

Lindsey shrugged again, "I didn't think you'd let me…I haven't really had much experience in riding. You'd say it'd kill me, but it won't, Mama, it won't! I can ride real well!"

Catherine knew it was not often Lindsey used 'Mama' on her. She knew Lindsey only used that when she desperately wanted something, when she was sincere and honest. It already had been a long time since Lindsey had gotten that way with her, but Catherine could see it, her desire to ride, to be free and to feel the wind in her hair. She knew that look all too well for she had the same look a long, long time ago.

And Sam said Lindsey was a natural rider, just like her mother.

Her love for horses had been passed on and Catherine knew this was something she couldn't and wouldn't deny her daughter.

Lindsey looked at her imploringly, taking her mother's silence as no and it meant no more riding and no more Byron. "Mama, please? Monica, Miss Monica Jones, she's really nice and grandpa got her to teach me and I've been listening, Mom, real well and I'm learning."

Catherine nodded and pulled her daughter upright so they sat face to face with each other on the bed. She smiled and cupped her daughter's cheeks. The desperation was there and she could see just how much her daughter wanted it. For a moment, she wasn't a moody, sullen sixteen-year-old, for a moment she was Lindsey.

Catherine's Lindsey.

She nodded, "You wanna learn?"

Lindsey nodded, her head bobbing up and down, but never leaving her mother's hands.

"You're serious about this?"

"Yes, yes, I am!"

"You think you and Byron make a team?"

A smile, a loving smile appeared on her face. "He's the best horse in the world, he's beautiful, Mom and I trust him. He'd never let me fall! Please, mom, let me do this."

Catherine pressed a kiss onto her forehead. "Okay," she said simply.

Lindsey's smiled widened. "Really?"

"Really," Catherine could see happiness and utter bliss on her daughter's face. She knew she must have looked the same way when her mother let her ride Oasis the first time around.

Lindsey threw her arms around her mother. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, mom!"

Catherine chuckled. "If I knew you'd be this happy then I'd have gotten you a horse myself!" She laughed as she was suddenly showered with kisses, knocked onto the bed in a tight hug and more thank you's than she could count.

"I love you, mom, and thank you!" Lindsey said happily.

Catherine looked up to her daughter's face, for a moment her troubles were forgotten, her broken her mended for a moment and Gil Grissom became a distant memory. She felt happiness seep into her soul once more after having her heart shattered not more than a day ago.

"I love you too, Linds," she said as she sat upright once more and pulled her daughter into a cuddle. "I'm glad you're happy."

"I am," Lindsey said, for once, since turning into a teenager, she didn't complain about being affectionate. She missed her mother and no one from school would be able to see her and her mother was here, not at work. She would let herself this bliss now.

Catherine smiled, "I love you, baby."

"I love you too, mom."

And for a moment, Catherine's world was right and she was happy, holding her daughter in her arms. If she couldn't have the man she loved, she would be okay as long as she had her daughter. She was fine.

Catherine was going to be okay.

-o0o-

Gil didn't realize he had fallen asleep on Catherine's bed until he woke up. He opened his eyes blearily, her pillow clutched to his body, wondering for a moment where he was. He looked around and realized immediately he was still in her room. He buried his face in her pillow, inhaling her scent and committing it to memory.

Everything came back to him, _she was gone._

He looked around the room and got up, clutching her pillow still, and hurried downstairs in hopes of finding her in her kitchen, happily humming as she made him something to eat for lunch.

He came to find the house as empty as it was before he fell asleep.

There was no clanging of pans in the kitchen, no humming, no shuffling and chopping.

Silence.

No Catherine.

Gil had hoped she would come home eventually. He wouldn't have minded if she came in, kicking him and trying to push him out of her bed after what he had done to her. He wouldn't have minded at all as long as she was where he wanted her where he could grovel, beg for forgiveness and offer to be her slave until she accepted his apology.

He was willing to do anything.

Just as long as she came home.

Gil took a deep, shuddering breath and realized he was still clutching her pillow to him like a lost boy. He pressed his face to the soft material and breathed deep, shutting his eyes tight as her scent assaulted his senses and once more a myriad of memories came flashing back. Memories of her face, her laugh, her scent, her voice, and the moments they shared in her bed, her kisses, her touch—everything that was Catherine.

He thought the hardest thing was to walk out and never return, but now he realized it was much harder to stand there in her home, clutching her pillow, missing her and smelling the scent that was uniquely her .

He wondered then, imagining the days to come without her, what could be harder than what he was facing and feeling now.

He didn't want to find out, but he knew he was going to anyway.

He would ache for her, miss her and save the words he was always too scared to say to her, until she would come back again.

He would wait.

But a part of him, a part that was most scared and hurt, shuddered at the feeling that Catherine wouldn't be coming back any time soon.

He didn't know how he knew, but he felt it.

He would miss her.

He was missing her already, too much and it hurt.

He dragged himself back up the stairs that not two days ago he and Catherine were trying hard to get up to as they kissed, not willing to be parted, but wanting to reach her bedroom at the same time. He smiled fondly at the memory. She had giggled all the way, even when she had her lips pressed against his.

How he wished her could feel her lips against his, feel her skin burn, hear her laugh, feel her writhe underneath him, hear her sigh in pleasure and feel her in his arms.

_Hold her, kiss her, taste her...want her._

Brokenly, he crawled back onto her bed, clutching her pillow and inhaled deep once more. His breath eased out slowly in a sigh with the whispered words, "I love you, Catherine."

He had been trying to summon back the memories to coax him into sleep, to dream he had her near once more that he didn't even feel his phone vibrating once more for the enth time that day as he drifted back to sleep, not aware of the name that had been incessantly popping onto his screen.

_Sara_

-o0o-

Catherine had showered and gotten dressed while Lindsey waited on her bed. She hadn't mentioned why she was there or why she was staying with her grandparents after staying away for so long. Lindsey seemed to have accepted her silence, which Catherine found quite odd since like her, Lindsey was curious and tended to push when something was obviously not right. Catherine wondered why her daughter was all too cool about her sudden change of heart.

But as she emerged from her oversized (_not that she was complaining_) bathroom she found Lindsey sitting on her bed, listening to her iPod and smiling at her happily. She decided then that maybe Lindsey must have been much too happy to care why.

"You ready to go and eat?" Lindsey asked, bobbing her head up and down to the beat of whatever she was listening to. "Lunchtime and grandma and grandpa are probably outside eating. They love eating outside."

Catherine nodded, pulling her hair into a ponytail. "Okay, I'm kind of hungry now anyway."

Lindsey smiled and jumped out of bed, grabbing her helmet. "Well, come on, Franco rocks the kitchen, you're going to love him!"

Catherine smiled as her daughter grabbed her hand and pulled her along. Lindsey was much more affectionate now, she noticed and she realized it might be being around horses and the ranch. She saw how truly happy Lindsey was.

It was as if the sulky-sullen moody sixteen-year-old Lindsey didn't exist.

Catherine thought maybe she too can be happy here.

That is if she ever managed to forget Gil.

Catherine mentally slapped herself then. _Forget him; he's going to forget about you too. Move on, you don't deserve him and he knows it. His charity work is done and he's moving on to greener pastures where the girl isn't an ex-stripper, ex-cocaine drug addict, someone's ex-wife and now an ex-CSI. You're beneath him, she isn't, the Harvard graduate who by the way, is much younger than you. Sad, puppy Brown eyes, less complicated life, obviously not high maintenance and childless. Get over the guy, you did it before_—_with Eddie, with Chris, with every other guy_—_you can do it again._

She shook herself away from any thoughts of him and her predicament and decided to focus on her daughter who, she thinks, is telling her about a new song she'd heard recently.

It really wasn't helping her already shot confidence having her toughest critic, herself, push it all in her face. It was bad enough already.

"And I've got it on my iPod, it's awesome, mom," Lindsey said happily as she pulled her mother down the flight of stairs.

Catherine smiled. "That's nice, sweetie."

They when they reached the bottom of the stairs, Marina was already waiting with a smile on her face. Lindsey grinned at her, "Hey, Mari! Are grandma and grandpa already outside?"

Marina nodded, the smile never leaving her face. "Yes, dear, they're waiting for you and your mother." She looked at Catherine. "Miss Catherine, did you sleep well? Your father insisted Miss Lindsey to let you sleep, but our little dear was a tad too excited."

Lindsey scrunched up her nose the same cute way she used to when she was a little girl. That was also something Catherine had missed for years now. "I waited all morning and besides, after lunch I want mom to meet Byron."

"But your mother just returned from work, you should let her rest," Marina said earnestly, surprising Catherine that she dared lecture her daughter. She waited for a scowl, but nothing came and Lindsey just smiled.

"She'll get them plenty later," Lindsey said with a shrug then looked at her mother. "Right, mom?"

Catherine raised an eyebrow, wondering what exactly was wrong with her daughter who wasn't acting like the daughter she was used to. Honestly, it was starting to worry her.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Lindsey asked, her eyebrows knitting together.

Catherine shook her head and looked at Marina. "Uh, thank you, Marina, I slept fine and I'm pretty well rested now. Lindsey's just being Lindsey, but thank you for your concern."

Marina nodded and looked at Lindsey, "Teenagers."

Catherine chuckled along with the old woman and pulled playfully on a lock of her daughter's hair. "Yeah, teenagers," she laughed when Lindsey batted her hand away.

"You two oldies are ganging up on me!" Lindsey said with mock hurt and indignation. "Now excuse me, I'm going to two other oldies who I'm sure won't gang up on me like you two!" she pretended to huff and walked away, her nose snobbishly up in the air.

"I am not an oldie!" Catherine said mock indignantly after her daughter then chuckled, "And when they find out you called them oldies they won't be as nice! I promise you that! Especially your grandmother!"

Lindsey turned and stuck her tongue out before continuing to walk out to the back of the mansion.

Catherine chuckled and waited until her daughter was out of sight before turning to the woman before her. The woman caught on immediately the look of worry in her eyes.

"You're worried," Marina said, frowning. "Anything the matter, dear?"

Catherine looked at the woman then sighed. "Uh, yeah, a little."

"Why?"

Catherine consciously tucked her long bangs on one ear. "It's—" she looked at the direction where her daughter disappeared to then sighed again. "It's Lindsey—is she—is she always like this around? I mean…" she shook her head before letting out a small frustrated growl. "I mean, is she usually this happy?"

Marina chuckled.

Catherine took the old woman's amusement differently. "I mean, she's not usually like this at home and she's usually more moody and she broods …"

Marina raised a hand to stop her and nodded, "I understand what you mean."

"You do?" Catherine asked, not sure whether she believed the woman. It was bad enough she was asking a near stranger about her daughter.

Marina nodded, "Yes, I know how unhappy and angry Miss Lindsey gets and there are times she acts like that here, but sometimes your parents talk to her, sometimes we let her alone. She's a happy child, Miss Catherine, but usually she just needs attention. Your father is very good with her, he lets her talk until she's not angry anymore."

Catherine suddenly felt her throat close over, remembering the times when she was angry and Sam was there to talk to her and let her vent. He was always a good listener, another reason why she wished he was her father.

"Miss Lindsey has her good days and bad days, but since her affair with Byron started, she's been nothing but a ball of pure joy. She's fallen in love, Miss Catherine, _with a horse_." Marina smiled and touched Catherine's arm, "But I must say, today Miss Lindsey is happier than usual. In fact, this is the happiest I've seen her."

Catherine looked at the woman, "Huh?"

"When your father told her about your staying here, she was so happy she wanted to run up to your room right then," Marina said with a chuckle. "It took a lot of retraining on your parent's part, knowing you needed rest. Lindsey almost said no, but relented after a promise of ice cream. She's a little impatient, isn't she?"

Catherine nodded, "At times."

"She's just happy to be with you," Marina said. "Just like your father."

Catherine nodded with a smile, but didn't say anything.

In her mind she knew why she couldn't reply to that: she _didn't know_ what to say.

She was glad to be with Lindsey, but she wasn't sure with her father. Sam was providing her what she needed, an escape, but that didn't mean she was smiles and bubbly to stay with him. Sam was a convenience, she thinks, but that didn't mean she was fully healed after the years she spent with someone else pretending to be her father hurt her over and over. She had sought approval and acceptance from the man she thought hated her for no reason, the man who made her feel she wasn't good enough and never will be good enough. The man she thought for more than 3 decades was her father.

That was a kind of hurt Catherine wasn't sure she knew how to let go.

So Catherine just smiled and allowed the woman to lead the way, her mind turning and spinning as she processed the sudden turn her life had taken in a matter of less than 24 hours.

She lost the job she loved to do, the man she still loves, but gained the father she always wanted, the family she always dreamed for as a child and the daughter she thought she had lost so long ago. She was in the world she used to not want to be a part of, but here she was, no longer Catherine, but now_ Miss_ Catherine with her mother not Lily, but _Miss _Lily, her daughter not Lindsey, but _Miss _Lindsey.

She had lost yet she had gained as well, much more in numbers, but she wondered if finally having everything she had dreamt of as a child was worth losing someone she so desperately yearned for.

But then a counter thought came, she didn't lose her job to get her family back. She lost her job because of that same person she loved; getting her family was more like a consolation for her pain and loss.

Her father's question came back to her, but with new meaning: _Was it worth it?_

This time she didn't know her answer.

-o0o0o0o-

Lunch was filled with teenage chatter at the Braun ranch while on the other far side of town a woman stood pacing back and forth like a caged animal in her bedroom, her phone in her hand. She had called him a dozen or so times already, but again, no answer. A dark lock of hair fell down her face as she paced staring at the phone as if willing it to ring so she could hear his voice.

His reaction to Catherine's leaving had been something she had understood and would have expected, but this was something she hadn't foreseen. He hadn't called, he hadn't sent her some sort of message and he hadn't gone home yet. She was worried; thinking that maybe his right hand's leaving was affecting him more than she had anticipated.

At some point, maybe a couple of years back she would have actually smiled with Catherine gone, but now, after being with him, she had come to accept and realize that the older woman would always be a sort of fixture in his life. She was like the tarantulas in his house and office, they were something he felt safe with, something familiar that was important and something she wasn't a hundred percent okay with but learned to deal with. That was Catherine to him, familiarity, fixture and important.

As much as she hated it at the beginning, Catherine was part of the package that was Gil Grissom. To have him, you had to have her too. She wasn't an option, but a necessity.

She accepted that.

And Catherine seemed to not be as interested in him as in the beginning. The woman loved a different type of man and she was sure he wasn't her type. She would never go for Gil. And with that thought, she was secure and fine with Catherine's existence and with her gone truly made her feel the loss. Not as much as Gil, but still, she felt it for through the years, after some resolved conflicts and agreeing to disagree, she had come to enjoy the older woman and appreciate her.

Plus, she knew, if Gil was in too deep like this Catherine was the only one who could bring him back and knock some sense into him that the world wasn't ending. But what about now, she wondered, that Catherine was the reason he was like this.

She was at a loss; she didn't know what to do. Give her a dead body, a serial killer and a hotel room to process; she'd know what to do, but not this. Gil was, if it were possible, sinking deeper into himself and she wasn't ready to deal with it yet. She never had to, but then Catherine has never tried leaving before let alone actually leaving.

She pressed redial again and waited for what she had come to expect hearing after so many times in trying to reach him, _You've reached Gil Grissom of the Las Vegas Crime Lab. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message and I'll call you back._

She snapped her phone shut and was tempted to throw it across the room, her frustration trying to override her concern, but she knew better. Their mobile phones were part of their contracts and to break it would mean you had to pay for it, same with losing it. And she knew Gil was like this, closed off and like a turtle: when hurt they crawl into their shells to hide. Yes, Gil was that and she knew she had to pace herself.

There was no need to worry yet, it was only lunch time and she was sure he was still at the lab.

Her fingers itched to call the lab, but she didn't. She didn't know what else to think or do if she ever found out he wasn't there. Where would she look for him?

She though about it, but knew it was hopeless.

She wondered then if she could call Catherine to ask: _Hey, Cath, you left and Gil is a total mess right now so would you be kind enough to tell me where you think he might be hiding? That would be awesome, please and thank you._

She could only imagine that conversation.

She thought for a moment and thought, no, she couldn't imagine that conversation. She wanted to know why she left so suddenly without so much as a warning. She wondered what would have been serious enough to actually walk out in front of Gil, Conrad and Mobley. She was a strong woman and if it was something she had to fight, she would have fought and not give up. Leaving CSI seemed like giving up to her, she wondered what made Catherine give up.

Thoughts ran, but noting good came out. She didn't know her well enough.

So she rejected the idea of calling her and continued to pace, thinking that maybe by the time Gil came home she'd had burnt trail a good few inches of a hole in their wood floors.

She'd blame him and tell him it was his fault.

Yeah, that was a good plan.

So she continued her pacing and held the phone in a death grip. She hadn't had any sleep yet and she was tired, but Gil needed her and she was determined to be there for him. Sleep could wait longer and she was notorious for missing sleep. She was going to be fine.

Catherine was gone with no reason, she was prepared to take her place. She knew she wasn't enough, but still she hoped loving him would suffice.

Turtles were bound to come out sooner or later, right?

She paced, hoping for sooner.

-o0o0o0o-

Guess who was the last person pacing? LOL Thought it'd be okay not to write her name.

Anyway, flat lining still, but it'll pick up. I'll try to make the _defib_ chapter soon because it's coming! New character coming...dumdumdum...

So sorry for the long wait, you don't deserve it for all the great reviews you all gave, but I'm sick. Really sick. So it's in and out in the hospital for me. They don't let me bring my laptop as much anymore so it's a bummer.

Anyway, please tell me what you think anyway. Still flat lining, I know! Forgive me!

Cheer me up and review! I'm a review monster! xoxoiferleigh


	9. Chapter 9

Hardest Thing

By: iferleigh

Rating: T (just in case)

Disclaimer: The ones you know aren't mine and the ones you don't know are mine.

Note: Spoilers ahead! Made up some characters so please excuse the bashing, but don't worry! Everything will be better! Oh, and I changed Nick a bit here but just here that he goes out of chracter, but no worries! This is a one time thing Thanks for the reviews! Keep them coming and if you have ideas, PM me or something! That should be fun!

Note2: Sam and Catherine moments again, to clear the air for future development of the fic! I hope no one minds!

-o0o-

Chapter Nine: The Mills and Old Wounds

Lindsey held a captive audience, her mother right next to her where she wanted her, her grandparents right across, all of them smiling and listening as she pattered on about the dance recital she had coming in a few months. She was chatting happily, her iPod, despite of the adults' disapproval lay next to her plate. She had dodged their disapproving stares, telling them she had something important with it.

"The dance recital is, like, the most important thing right now!" she babbled, her fork jumping as her hands made exaggerating gestures as she talked.

"And why is that?" Lily asked with a small grin.

Lindsey stared at her grandmother like she just grew an extra head. The look on her face was so comical and amusing that Sam started to laugh loudly, earning himself a slap on the arm from Lily. Catherine tried to smother her smile and pushed a bite of potato in her mouth.

Lily, looking completely innocent, asked, "What?"

Lindsey sighed. "Well, grandma," she said in that tone she always used when trying to explain something that was suppose to be very, very easy. It was condescending at best and so like the rest of the teenagers of the world. Catherine knew she was like that at that age. "People from _everywhere_ are coming. _Important_ people like people from Butterfield's sister school, Isadora Valmont of Performing Arts and…"

"You want to impress them," Catherine finished with a raised eyebrow."

Lindsey grinned. "Yeah, but if I can impress Juilliard more then I wouldn't have to with Isadora, but hey, I can only do so much…"

Catherine looked at her mother who had a smile on her face, but at the same time looked unsure. "You mean Juilliard as in New York City? Whatever happened to college?"

Lindsey nodded. "I'm still doing that, mom, but Julliard and Isadora offers summer schools and mom, I can dance…you know I can. And New York is not that far away."

Catherine raised an eyebrow. "Lindsey, New York is like 2500 miles from Las Vegas."

Lindsey shrugged. "I know...but I can dance, mom and if I get this chance 2500 miles will be nothing. It's worth it."

Catherine sighed, "I know you can dance, baby. You're a great dancer, but New York?"

"It's where it all happens," Lindsey looked hopeful. "I just want a shot…If I can impress them then that means I can do it. I would be fine with that." She shrugged. "I can always finish college and then go later or something…"

Lily nodded, "That's…a very mature and reasonable plan, Lindsey."

Lindsey grinned. "I've still got time to plan, grandma. Right, grandpa?"

Catherine and Lily turned to Sam who was smiling with pure joy. He nodded, "Yes, princess. You've got all the time to plan."

Lindsey smiled, looking satisfied and happy as she continued to eat while Catherine and Lily looked at Sam questioningly.

"What do you two know that we don't?" Lily asked before Catherine could.

Lindsey stopped eating and looked at her grandmother, her brows furrowing while Sam just shrugged. "What are you talking about, grandma?"

Catherine smirked. "You and Sam keeping secrets now?"

Lindsey looked at Sam who just smiled. She looked at her mother, "What secrets?"

Catherine looked at her daughter, trying to gauge whether she was playing innocent or really was innocent and she and Sam had nothing planned or hidden. She saw nothing but curiosity and the innocence she was thankful her daughter still possessed. "You and Sam have nothing planned, nothing hidden? No secret plans about school like the horse deal?"

Lindsey's cheeks flushed a light shade of pink. "No, mom, we just talked about what happens after high school, you know? Whether I'm going to go to college or stop for a year or whatever."

Catherine looked at Sam. "And what conclusion did you two come up with?"

Sam pulled his napkin from his lap and laid it next to his finished plate. "Well, she wants a shot at Julliard or Isadora, but she knows what you want for her is college so she's looking at universities now, but she's got two years ahead to make a sure plan so she's taking her time."

Catherine, her mouth slightly agape, looked at her father.

Lily looked at Lindsey then at Sam.

Lindsey looked at her grandfather then her mother, feeling a little apprehensive when she felt something was not right and her mother was not too pleased with the conversation.

Sam just looked at Catherine, his eyes twinkling, but ready to take on whatever she was prepared to give him in response to his meddling with her daughter's life.

Suddenly the happy lunch of the Brauns were not as happy and chatty as it was when they began. The uncomfortable silence was thankfully interrupted when Marina, sensing the tension, came bustling in. She noticed only Catherine's and Lily's plates were unfinished.

"Who would like some desert?" Marina asked in a cheerful voice, smiling at Lindsey who gave her a pleading look.

"Me," Lindsey said automatically.

Lily shook her head and smiled as well, "I think I've just had enough. I'll be skipping dessert for now, Mari. Thank you."

Marina smiled and nodded, "Very well, Miss Lily."

Lily smiled at Catherine, "What about you, dear? Are you finished?"

Catherine broke her gaze away from Sam and looked at her mother, "Yes, and I think I'm done. Excuse me." She got up and placed her napkin on the table and without waiting for anyone to respond she left, walking back into the house and up to her room.

Lindsey looked at her grandparents sadly. "Was it something I did?"

Sam shook his head with a reassuring smile, "No, Linds, your mother is just having a hard time right now, it's a rollercoaster of emotions. She's not sure about anything right now. Don't worry."

Lindsey nodded, "What happened?"

Sam opened his mouth but Lily jumped in, "I think we should let your mother talk to you about that, all right? You need to hear it from her."

Lindsey got up suddenly, "Okay."

"Where are you going?" Sam asked as he too stood.

"To talk to my mom," Lindsey said. "If something's wrong, she's going to need me."

Sam nodded, "All right, but let me talk to her first?"

Lindsey thought for a moment, "Is she mad at me?"

Sam shook his head, "No."

Lindsey nodded, "Okay, but grandpa?"

"Yes, princess?"

"Tell her I'm sorry? And…" she fidgeted in her seat. "I love her?"

Sam smiled and nodded, "She knows, but I'll tell her again for you."

-o0o-

He walked down the lab, oblivious to the not-so-subtle stares that followed him. He is early, as usual, but that's not what made everybody stare. Today was the day it would be officially declared and confirmed that indeed, Catherine Willows was no longer a part of the Las Vegas Crime Lab division. It was the day Gil Grissom would no longer have his faithful, loyal and outspoken female second in command at his side.

Today he would no longer have the strawberry blonde with a shady past and a daughter.

And the rumor mills were as alive as ever.

Not that he would notice nor would he care.

At least he not yet, but soon enough he will, when the whispers and the stories floating through the halls and the laboratories reaches his ears. It was everywhere, from one lab technician's mouth to another CSI to another police officer then back to another lab technician in a different shift. It was a cycle, but a well working one.

The stories were out, faster than the tabloids reporting Britney's latest drama.

Why did Catherine Willows leave?

It was no secret she needed her job with her daughter and being a single mother and all. It was also no secret that she loved her job that she thrived and lived for in the nights she came in and solved another puzzle. She was beauty with brains, no question.

But questions remain, _Why did Catherine leave?_

Stories were rampant, well thought out and spreading faster than anyone can keep track of. Theories were whispered conspiratorially, doubts flitted through and facts were made and broken.

Some were believable, some were complete crap that no one even thought twice about, but nonetheless shared with the next 'friend' in an 'isn't that ridiculous' line.

Gil, of course, is and will be oblivious until a team member from his own shift or maybe Jim Brass would tell him about it maybe to confirm or to just use as a jump off for a conversation. But one thing was for sure: he wasn't going to find out by walking the halls in his usual aloof air.

He walked the halls, unaware of what Melissa Kenilworth, the swing shift DNA tech, was whispering to Janet Powell, the Trace tech. "Marco told me Ecklie as much as said that Grissom fired Willows right on the spot!"

Janet's eyes were wide, the green orbs flashing, "No way, really?"

"Ecklie said Willows was starting to be a little too much for the lab and Grissom has had it," Melissa said with her usual air of 'I know everything and I'm always right'. "He fired her after they argued right in front of the Undersheriff!"

Janet ducked a little as the graveyard shift supervisor passed. "I heard Willows and Grissom go way back like fifteen years; you don't think he'd do that, right?"

Melissa rolled her eyes. "Try twenty and you do know about Willows' job _before_ CSI, right?"

Janet's eyes were suddenly filled with curiosity, "No, what? _Tell me_…"

And Gil walked by, separated by the glass partitions of his lab, unaware of the whispered stories filing through his small world of scientists and gossip mongers. He is unaware of the piling stories filing around, unaware that Conrad had 'unintentionally' let slip some _comments_ about Catherine's leaving.

Some stories were believable, some were ridiculous, but what Melissa passed on to Janet was the one everybody seemed to be eager to deliver first to the next person. Scandals and gossip are always fun, and the thought of Gil Grissom, the brilliant, but socially inept CSI, firing Catherine Willows, the sassy, brilliant blood spatter analyst and his dubbed best friend sounded even more interesting and more scandalous.

It kept the conversations going, producing the euphoric feeling of excitement with the persons involved in the conversation. The Grissom and Willows rumor was a beautiful, exciting and intelligently crafted little lie and everyone wanted a piece of it.

And the fact that it was Conrad Ecklie who spread the little tidbit was lost to everyone who really didn't care where it came from as long as it came from _somewhere _and _someone_ important.

-o0o-

Sam stood before his daughter's bedroom door, thinking a while before knocking. He didn't hear her permission to come in so he knocked again. Nothing again. He sighed; a little thankful he hadn't had to deal with this when she was a teenager. He was never there enough to see her bad days and he was gone not too long before everything had to really go downhill for Catherine.

He shook his head, feeling a little embarrassed that he was almost afraid of coming into her room without permission. He was Sam Braun for crying out loud and he was scared of a woman, his daughter for that matter.

Taking a deep breath, he turned the knob and went in.

"Do you always come in without permission?" greeted him as he came in. He smiled a little. She was still sarcastic, that was a good sign.

"Only when people refuse to answer," he said as he shut the door behind him.

She was on her side in bed, her back to him, but she got up and turned to him the instant she heard his voice. "Sam? What are you doing here?"

Sam shrugged. "Linds wanted me to tell you she was sorry for whatever reason and she wanted to let you know she loves you."

Her tense shoulders visibly relaxed.

"Can I keep going?" Sam asked, seeking her permission this time.

She nodded a little, tucking the covers around her. Tear tracks were visible on her cheeks, her eyes were red and her hair was no longer in a neat ponytail.

It was only then Sam realized how deep her pain must have been.

"What's wrong, Mugs?" Sam asked as he sat on her bed, three feet away from where she sat.

She sighed. "I'm sorry for walking out on lunch…"

"It's not a problem, I just want to know why," he said softly.

Catherine shrugged and looked away, looking at the open French doors and the sky outside. "When I look at Lindsey…I'm afraid."

"Afraid of what?" this listening thing was starting to look like Sam's other specialty.

"I'm afraid because…" she sighed and let out a shaky breath. "I'm afraid because when I look at her I feel like I don't know her…like I'm not her mother. I failed her." She ran a trembling hand through her hair. "And when I listened to plans to dance school and college and what she wanted to do…it just, it didn't feel right because you were the one telling us about her…about her dreams and aspirations when it should have been something I knew…something I should be talking about…something I am totally clueless about."

Sam nodded, realizing how this was shaping for her. He knew well how she was feeling. Didn't she know he felt the same way with her before everything?

A tear trickled down her cheek, "God, I am a failure…pathetic."

Sam shook his head and pulled her hand to his, pushing back the cuffs of the white dress shirt. "No, you're not. You've been doing your best ever since she was born. She knows, Mugs, she knows the sacrifices you had to make, she understands."

"How?" she asked, pulling her hand back. "How? Because you talked to her? Because she's here and she has you to tell her? Because Marina is there to help her understand?" She let out a bitter laugh. "How pathetic is this? I need my own father, my _real_ father who wasn't even there to see _me _grow up…who is absolutely clueless about me, but perfectly informed about my daughter. This is rich, so rich…"

Sam sighed. "It' not like that."

"Then what?" she spat bitterly. "What, Sam? Does she know I truly love her? That it killed me every night to have to hand her over to Nancy or to some stranger I hired to entertain her while I'm out there, putting my life on the line and prancing around with blood and death? Does she know that until now I still wonder, I still hurt over her losing her father? The same man who was my husband who hurt me any possible way he could? Does she know how hard I try not to look back, regret and not be eaten away by guilt for everything I failed to do for her?"

Sam watched silently as she released her inner turmoil.

"Does she know that I am sorry, so sorry for failing her as a mother?" she asked softly as one tear slipped down her cheek, followed by another then another then another. "Does she know that I almost died that night when I saw her in Eddie's car, slowly filling with water because he had to goddamned die before saving her? Does she know…how I thought I finally found love with her Uncle Gil who she begged me to be her daddy after Eddie?"

Sam shook his head and despite his genuine care and love for his only daughter he thought, _isn't this supposed to be Lily's job?_

Catherine shook her head, "Why did I even become a parent? Does God have this sick thrill seeing people suffer and fail?" She slammed her balled fist onto her mattress. "This is fucking insane! Look at me! I'm here, with you, living in your house, with my mother, with my daughter and I have no job, no boyfriend and…stripped of every shed of pride, dignity and god knows what else! Goddamn it!"

Sam shook his head and placed a finger under her chin, prompting her to look at him. "You have a beautiful daughter who is growing up to be so much like her mother. In your line of work you excelled more than the others, despite of your past. You are strong, intelligent and beautiful. You don't let anyone walk over you and you don't take crap from anyone. You have a mother who loves you, a sister and her family who adores you and well," he smiled. "Your father isn't much, but there's nothing you can do about that. He's proud to call you his own, though…"

She shook her head, taking her face away from him and whined, "Sam."

He grinned. "Look at me," he said and she did. "With all that, tell me you have nothing to be proud of and tell me you are a failure. If Gil Grissom can't see your worth, then he's not worth your tears and losing everything great about you. He's just a man, a blind one at that. Don't give him the satisfaction of stripping you of everything great about you. He doesn't deserve it and neither do you, Catherine." He used her name, thinking that maybe that would make the discussion easier, shield him from seeing the hurt little girl that he had abandoned so long ago because her mother wouldn't dare leave her husband.

Tears welled up in her eyes, "Why did you have to go?"

Sam felt his heart constrict, how broken she sounded, how child like. He saw the pain, the loneliness and the hurt. "I had to go, Mugs. If I stayed, you wouldn't have grown into someone as beautiful and as strong. I would have ruined everything that you could be."

She shook her head, "That's not reason enough! I deserved a good father! I deserved a father like Nancy had! He was so…" she choked back a sob. "He never wanted me and mom…she was so guilty for having me…for loving you and not him that I had to suffer for it!"

Sam swallowed a lump in his throat as he watched Catherine, for the first time, sob. "Mugs…"

"You were there," she choked out, the tears running down her cheeks freely as she clenched her fist on her lap. "You were there…you could have taken me, you know how much he hated me."

Sam shook his head. "I did not, I thought it was your mother he was dealing with and she never told me. I knew he would never lay a hand on your mother, but I never knew he was taking it all out on you."

"What did you expect?" she sobbed, looking at him with eyes full of hurt. "You cannot just take a woman's heart, let her be with someone else and not expect the other to just lie there and take it while you kept coming around, pretending to be my Uncle and at the same time keep taking her heart! It's not like that and you know it!"

"I wanted to take you, Catherine," Sam said softly. "I loved you the moment I saw you with bright beautiful blue eyes and that patch of red hair…and the cute little laugh you had when you saw me. You were a beautiful baby, you're still beautiful, I wanted you terribly, but I couldn't do that to your mother because she fell in love with you just as I did."

"If she loved me she wouldn't have let that bastard of a husband of hers hurt me," she said bitterly as the tears continued to creep down her cheeks. "She favored Nancy and I learned to deal with that…but that husband of hers never missed a chance to make me feel unwanted."

Sam pulled her in an awkward hug, cradling her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Mugs. I'm sorry I wasn't there…"

"It's not fair," she sniffled, but relaxed as sudden exhaustion took over her. "It's not…"

"I'm sorry," Sam murmured.

"They said that too," she whispered before her eyes slipped shut. "All of them…"

When Sam felt her body grow lax he eased her to lie down and wiped the tears that lined her cheeks. He looked at his daughter sadly, wondering just how deep her wounds ran.

Sam Braun was a man with a lot to look back on and regret, but perhaps, his biggest regret was right in front of him, broken, beaten and torn. His daughter.

-o0o-

Nick and Warrick were coming in for their shift that night. Usually they would be talking about a case or maybe whatever game was on or somethin like what Hodges was up to. Usually there was something to talk about, but tonight was different.

This was the first night without Catherine.

And they both wondered, as they walked down the halls of the Crime Lab, if there was anything to talk about. They were both early, which was unusual.

Nick, on a normal day, would still be asleep, probably sprawled in bed in his apartment, sheets thrown back and pillows scattered on the floor beside his bed. His co-workers didn't know, but Nick Stokes was a wormy sleeper, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable spot while at the same time shoving pillows off his bed and throwing the sheets everywhere.

Today was different because today sleep would not come to Nick. His mind was in overdrive, memories being revisited as he tried to find some reason, some evidence that would lead to what made Catherine leave. There had to be something, right? He wondered if it was Lindsey, her father or her mother or maybe it was bigger. Maybe it was something she didn't want anyone to know.

It had to be something, but what?

Warrick, on his normal day, would be playing ball with some neighborhood kids. He was still lending a hand to the community center and trying to keep as many kids away from the streets as possible. Living in the city of sin wasn't easy and playing ball before shift with the kids on a weekend was something to do to help stop them from turning bad, but not today. He wasn't up to playing and he wasn't that good for company. His mood wouldn't help the game or the kids so he opted out and left for the lab early.

Questions were still raging in his mind, wondering, asking, and prodding for reasons why Catherine left so suddenly and with no word or warning. It wasn't the Catherine he knew. She wouldn't leave just like that. She was responsible and she thought of others often. She had papers to finish and she would never just leave it all behind for someone else to finish. The Catherine he knew would never have left without goodbye. She knew better than that.

There had to be a good reason why she left so suddenly and like Nick, the same line of thought came to him: Lindsey, Sam Braun, her mother, her sister. It could have been anything, but what? He needed an answer, a reason. He needed to talk to her. He needed that.

As they walked down the halls, quiet yet at the same pace, it never occurred to them that maybe, just maybe it had something to do with the quiet, socially inept entomologist and their unsuspecting dark haired, dark eyed colleague.

-o0o-

Janet and Melissa were still huddled in the Trace Lab, heads close together and talking while unaware of the time. Swing, to their relief was quiet and they were thankful they had the chance to _talk_. There was certainly much to talk about.

"Willows was a _stripper_ before CSI?" Janet gasped. "Oh my _god_! No way!"

Melissa nodded, her smile wide and proud to be the one filling in the blanks for the very much uninformed newbie. "Yeah and get this," she looked around surreptitiously before leaning closer with her flashing brown eyes, filled with suspense and excitement. Janet leaned closer as well. "_Someone_ even said she was some cokehead before Grissom took her in! Would you believe that?" She watched with delight as Janet's eyes widened with shock and surprise.

"No_ way_!" Janet gasped again. This was all too much and too juicy. "They let her in CSI with a drug problem? You got to be kidding me!"

"I kid you not," Melissa said smugly. "It's true. Ever wonder why Ecklie hates her so much and why Grissom can't be trusted with this lab?"

Janet shook her head. "Grissom is one of the top Forensic Scientists in the country and one of the top entomologists in the world. He's a genius."

"Yeah, he is," Melissa said with a shrug. "But his people skills really aren't as good. Look at Warrick Brown, duh, former gambler and god knows what else. Nick Stokes, he slept with a hooker! Would you believe that! A _hooker_! And Sara Sidle who almost got a DUI and that pal of Grissom's, Brass, he shot a fellow officer!"

Janet's eyes were permanently wide by then. "Where did you get all that?"

Melissa shrugged. "Honey, everyone knows all that."

Janet's forehead furrowed. "Then why are they still here? Why fire just Willows?"

Melissa shrugged. "Well, that's not all she did." She sighed dramatically. "You do know she blew up the lab once, right?"

"_No way_!"

Melissa nodded solemnly. "Almost killed poor cutie Greg Sanders and injured Sara Sidle."

"Aw," Janet said. "Not Greggy, he's so cute."

Melissa nodded giddily. "He is, isn't he? He's adorable! It's a wonder no one hasn't gotten their hooks on him." She shook her head. "But anyway, that's not all. Willows went out once and had a one night stand with a lawyer who turned into a murder suspect! I heard Grissom was _furious_ at her. He didn't speak to her for a while after saving her ass."

"_No way_!"

Melissa's brows furrowed. "You really have to stop that," she said dryly before perking up again. "But now that Willows is gone that's one problem down! This is the number two lab in the country, it's about time we get rid of the non deserving ones and with Willows gone, the lab is one scandal safer now. She wasn't a good CSI anyway, messing things up and all _and_ she flirts all over the place from Warrick Brown to the scummy lawyers and murderers! It's about time Grissom saw through Willows and fired her."

-o0o-

Nick and Warrick were both passing the Trace Lab just in time to hear Melissa Kenilworth's tales. It was no secret the young aspiring Greg wannabe was aiming to be under graveyard shift and Gil Grissom and now that Catherine was gone, a slot was sure to open and should Wendy Simms go for the open position for CSI and leave her lab, Melissa was no doubt going to fight tooth and nail for that slot.

If one needed proof that it was possible that someone in the world would be heartless enough to produce a female version of Conrad Ecklie then there was no doubt Melissa Kenilworth was it.

Nick had stopped dead in his tracks, his hand grabbing Warrick by the arm. They both stood by the panels of the glass partitions, far enough not to be noticed but near enough to hear every word that fell like acid from Melissa's lips. It was bad enough Catherine was gone, but to have someone tear her down after less than a full day of being gone was not something Nick and Warrick were prepared to take.

Warrick had felt Nick's grip tightened when the lab tech began to list their flaws, mentioning his long gone gambling problems and Nick's former relation with Kristy Hopkins and the rest. He grabbed Nick's shirt, trying to tell him it wasn't worth it though he himself was tempted to go in there and give the chatty little thing a piece of his mind.

If Melissa had been a man, Warrick would have swept in and shoved his fist in his face, but then it was different. Women were vicious by nature and a real man would not and should never lay a hand on one no matter how vicious or hurtful they were.

Nick shook his head, his nostril's blazing as Melissa prattled on, bringing back the memories of the time when the lab had blown up, mentioning how _cute_ they thought Greg was and the rest of the tangles Catherine had unintentionally gotten into. They were mistakes and everyone made them, why couldn't _she_ get that?

It wouldn't have been surprising if Nick and Warrick came in to defend their friend and former colleague's honor, but when Melissa gave her final blow, everything seemed to stop and anger was forgotten for a moment.

Anger was replaced by shock when Melissa said, _It's about time Grissom saw through Willows and fired her._

And right then Warrick let go of Nick's shirt and stormed into the lab. The lab techs jump and Melissa backed a step when she saw the fury written all over the tall African-American's face. Nick was not far behind.

"Say that again," Warrick said coldly. He's never hit a woman before, but right now he wondered if he was capable enough to even just toe that line.

Melissa and Janet stood close together. "Wh-what? We were just talking," Melissa said, smiling while trying to hide her nervousness. The two graveyard shift members looked ready to kill.

"We-we were just talking," Janet said nervously.

"Talking?" Nick smiled. "Or were you trying to ruin Catherine Willows' reputation?"

Janet shook her head. "No, we were just talking."

Warrick shook his head and turned to focus on Melissa. "Repeat what you said about Catherine getting fired."

Melissa shrugged. "Which part?"

"Who did you say fired Catherine?" Warrick pressed.

"Grissom, why?" she asked, her fear now gone as her mind began to turn. Something wasn't right, but somewhere in Melissa's conniving mind she knew this was going to be something deliciously interesting.

Warrick looked at Nick who shook his head. "Liss, we know you can be—informative, but where did you get that idea? Grissom would never do that."

Melissa smiled. "Oh, yes he would and he did. He fired Willows, ask Ecklie. Or Undersheriff McKeen." She smiled wider. "You didn't know?"

Warrick shook his head. "That's a lie and it's something Ecklie would do, the idiot."

Melissa shrugged. "You know, Warrick, Catherine isn't all that," she smiled flirtatiously. "Maybe, after shift, we can go have breakfast?"

Nick's eyes rose and a smile graced his handsome face. _This girl has some nerve. And balls._

Warrick shook his head. "After all the crap you just said about my best friend, my team and me? I don't think so. Head's up, Melissa, I think you snorted something bad in this lab."

Nick tried to suppress a grin as Warrick turned and walked out of the room while Melissa scoffed and glared at his friend's retreating form. Janet muttered something about finishing her work and scurried out, forgetting she was in her own lab.

"He's an ass," Melissa scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

Nick nodded, "Yeah, you are, but I have one advice for you, sweet thing." He leaned close. "If I ever hear you talk about Catherine that way, you will have not only me and Warrick to deal with, but the entire night shift. Not only that but the police department too," he smiled. "You know Cat, so flirty and all that she's got the entire LAPD eating out the palm of her hands."

Melissa's eyes widened.

"You think you can walk around tearing people down, but not Catherine and not any of my team members," he said darkly. "If you like it here, _Liss_, then I suggest you start playing nice."

Melissa glared at the Texan. "I'll report you to Ecklie! You can't threaten me like that!"

Nick smiled, "I can and I just did." He winked at her and sauntered out, tapping the doorway three times before disappearing into the hall.

Melissa swallowed and sat down. She knew she should report to Ecklie, but then a part of her knew it would be useless. If it was Warrick, it would have been easy, but not Nick.

Everybody loved Nick. He was charming, sweet, sensitive, always stayed away from the dark side, tried to be the peacemaker and he was everyone's friend. Nick Stokes has been a member of the CSI lab for at least a decade while Melissa had barely reached three years there. Who would believe a gossip driven lab tech like her?

Who would believe Nick Stokes was capable of threatening someone who worked in the same place as him? Melissa knew no one would believe that. Not even Ecklie.

Melissa looked down the hall to catch a glimpse of the retreating CSI and realized something: No one would believe her, she knew, but as it turns out, Nick Stokes knew that as well.

She decided then she liked staying in the Swing shift.

-o0o-

Warrick stalked the halls leading to Gil's office, determined with questions filling his head. A part of him was sure Melissa was lying, knowing it was something she would do, but then a part of him wondered if it had any truth in it. She had looked so serious and so sure.

He used to be a gambler and he's faced all of the best players, best bluffers and liars. Melissa had looked so sure with her bluff and he saw the glint of joy and euphoria when she figured he hadn't known. She clearly enjoyed delivering the news to him.

If it wasn't true then why would she look so damn happy?

He knocked once then twice without getting an answer. "Griss, it's me. Can I come in?"

Nick caught up with him, "What are you doing?"

"Straightening things out," Warrick said.

"She was lying, Rick," Nick said exasperatedly. "She's just working the gossip mills."

Warrick shook his head. "I need to hear it from him." He knocked again.

"Come in," came a tired voice.

Warrick and Nick came in to find Gil sitting on his desk, folders and papers stacked around him. Gil was looking at them through the rims of his glasses. He looked so normal, a little tired, but normal enough it took them both off guard, even though it was no secret Gil Grissom was a master in keeping emotions in.

"Yes, what can I do for you two?" he looked at his watch. "Shift doesn't start in forty-five minutes."

Warrick came in and Nick followed. "Uh, we were on our way in and we heard something Melissa Kenilworth was saying to Janet Powell."

Gil raised an eyebrow. "Who?"

Nick shrugged. "Swing shift lab techs."

Gil nodded. "Okay, so what?"

"They were talking about Catherine," Warrick said, looking at his boss square in the eyes.

Gil looked annoyed. "Warrick, please, I have a lot of paperwork to do. Spit it out."

"She said you fired Catherine."

-o0o0o0o-

I haven't updated in a long time! I'm so sorry! I was stuck; I didn't know how to do this at first until the idea of clearing things between Sam and Catherine in a dad/daughter way came to me! Sorry!

And I totally made up those two girls. LOL I hoped it worked out well. You tell me!

Anyway, thanks so much for the reviews…now can I have more? LOL yes, I'm shamelessly asking you for reviews! Pathetic, but true! I suck, but tell me anyways! teehee...


	10. Chapter 10

Hardest Thing

By: iferleigh

Rating: T (just in case)

Disclaimer: The ones you know aren't mine and the ones you don't know are mine.

Corrections: Oh crap! I was rereading the entire to see if I got my facts straight and I found a mistake in words!

–Chapter 7 with Brass and Gil saying: 'I always knew I was out of her league' Sorry about that, changed that to: "I always knew _she_ was out of _my_ league"

Note: Thanks for the replies everyone! I get really happy when I read them!

Note2: Sam and Lily moments again. And a glimpse into the history I made up about Catherine and her childhood. I had to improvise so bear with me! Tell me if you're getting sick of Sam/Lily moments so I can just edit it out in the future. Okay? Loves to you all!

-o0o-

Chapter Ten: He said, he said and the Good Cop

Lily stood waiting outside Catherine's room, pacing nervously. Monica had come again not long after Catherine left the table, giving Lindsey something else to focus on. Lily knew what had prompted Catherine to leave. She had gone through it too many times not to know. With Catherine and her anger, especially when it came to her mother, it was hard to forget.

Catherine worked for the most part of Lindsey's life—from being married to a bum like Eddie to raising Lindsey after the divorce to Eddie's death. She worked and worked, bringing in the money to raise her daughter and give her the best Catherine could. But everything came with a price. For the comfortable home to the met needs and given wants it cost Catherine time—time away from her daughter and most of the things involving her life.

Understandably, Catherine felt the guilt of a neglecting mother and Lily knew it. She knew more than enough for at times she had thrown it on her daughter's face during heated arguments and lectures. At times Lily felt bad for throwing it all at Catherine, but then she knew Catherine had to see what her job was doing to her and her life. The problem was the counter thought would always come: without the job, Catherine and Lindsey wouldn't have anything.

Lily knew how torn Catherine had been between seeing her daughter grow up and being responsible and provide what her daughter needed. For Catherine, it had been one hell of a predicament.

It was enough Catherine was feeling the guilt and to have Lily throw it at her, Lily knew it made it worst, but then to have Lindsey bonding immediately with Sam and sharing to him her plans and making plans with him together was enough to shake Catherine. Lily knew it had torn Catherine to see how Lindsey seemed to share more with Sam, a grandfather she had just recently begun to get to know, than her mother. Lily knew for Catherine had been the same way when Sam was around.

And now she was worried. Catherine had only moved in, however temporary, at least she was here, and Lindsey was ecstatic on having everyone close to her in one roof and Sam was clearly overjoyed. Lily couldn't have been happier, but now that this had come, adding to the pain Catherine must have been feeling after everything she went through, she was sure this would ruin whatever they had just formed—family or something like it.

So Lily paced, worriedly, as she twisted and untwisted a hanky in her trembling hands. She couldn't hear a thing, well aware of how soundproof the rooms of the mansion were. She waited and soon enough, Sam came out, looking worried and forlorn.

Immediately she threw her arms around his waist. "How is she? Does she need me? Is she all right?" Lily asked, pulling away and reaching for the door, but Sam's hand stopped her.

"She's asleep," Sam said quietly.

Lily nodded. "Oh, alright," she said then paused. "What happened in there? Is she okay?"

Sam nodded. "Yes, she's fine."

Lily knew something was wrong then. "Sam, what's wrong?"

Sam shook his head, pulling away from her and looking at her. "She said some things to me…things you never told me."

Lily swallowed. "What? What did she tell you?"

"About Robert," Sam said gruffly.

Lily's cheeks flushed at the mention of her first husband, Nancy's father. "What about Robert? He's dead, Sam! He's gone, it's over!"

Sam shook his head. "Yes, he's dead, but how does Robert Flynn manage to still hurt _my_ daughter from the grave, Lily? How?"

Lily shook her head and tried to hold his hands in hers, only to have him pull back. "Sam, please…"

"You never told me what she was going through with him," Sam said quietly.

Lily would have preferred him angry, loud and wild, rather than quiet and distanced from her. She would have known how to appease him, but now she was lost and worried. This wasn't the Sam she knew.

"I knew he was angry, especially when I came around to see Catherine," Sam said. "And I know he never forgave you or me for falling in love first, for having history and I thought he was taking it out on you like _you_ told me." He stopped and looked her dead in the eyes. "I was fine with that—no, no, you_ told_ me to be fine with that and I agreed because you didn't want to leave him…But you never told me what he was doing to Catherine."

Lily's eyes filled with tears. "Robert never did anything to Catherine!"

Sam shook his head, "I just faced your daughter, Lily!" He pointed at the door. "_Our_ daughter." He shoved his hands in his pockets in an attempt to calm down. "You weren't in there. She's still upset, Lily, after all these years, she's still upset."

"She never said anything," Lily said, looking down at her furiously working hands. The handkerchief should be unrecognizable now.

"What happened in that house, Lily?" Sam asked. "After we decided? After I agreed to disappear, what happened?"

Lily shrugged, "You left, Catherine asked why and I couldn't tell her then the accident happened. Oasis died, Catherine started acting up and rebellion kicked in…then she ran away. I told you and you tried to find her but couldn't. She came home from Seattle then left again for Vegas. It was out of my hands then, there was nothing I could do. I couldn't have stopped her from leaving again if I tried."

Sam shook his head. "Not good enough."

"Sam!" Lily pleaded. "Don't walk away! Please!"

But he shook his head and walked passed her and headed to their bedroom. Lily wiped the tears from her eyes and followed, biting her bottom lip nervously. Without word, Sam went into their room and sat on their bed. She sat beside him.

"Tell me," Sam said as he stared at his feet. "Tell me Lily before I do something we'll both be sorry for. Think of Lindsey, think of Catherine…especially Catherine."

Lily bit her bottom lip. "Robert knew, right from the day I gave birth to Catherine. He had his doubts in the beginning, but then when he saw her he knew she wasn't his and you were there, you saw how angry he was."

Sam nodded. "I saw and I felt it," he unconsciously rubbed his left jaw. It had been decades but he still knew where Robert Flynn had hit him the day he came to the hospital to see his daughter. It had been the only time a man laid a hand on Sam and lived without paying a price.

"He knew, I don't know how, but he knew," she said softly. "And he wouldn't look at her, Sam. He wouldn't touch her, wouldn't hold her even when she was crying. She was such a beautiful baby, but he wouldn't look at her. He said to me, Sam, that every time he saw her, he saw you…"

"Go on."

Lily nodded. "We fought about it so much and at first he didn't want her in our house…you were there, you knew he was ready to send Catherine away."

"I would have taken her in a heartbeat," Sam said. "You and her both."

"But I couldn't let my own child go like that," Lily said, ignoring his last statement. "I loved her, even before I saw her. She was my daughter, my blood, my flesh, our love. I would have fought heaven and hell to keep her."

"And you did."

"And I did," Lily agreed. "You know how angry Robert was, how he forced himself to agree to let her stay. But from the very beginning he had rules."

Sam looked at Lily. "What?"

"He said I could keep her if I stayed and if he didn't have to pretend to love her," she said sadly. "Because he couldn't and never will lover her because…"

"She's mine," Sam finished for her.

Sadly, Lily agreed.

Sam shook his head. "But he had no right to treat her badly. She was a child, she was innocent. Catherine had done nothing to him. It was me, it was my fault."

Lily shook her head, taking his hands in hers. "It was both our faults."

Sam's face hardened. "Goddamn coward took out all his anger at her! Damn it, Lily, if I knew…"

Lily pulled away, her eyes wide. "What? What would you have done?"

Sighing, Sam shook his head. "Nothing…"

"What would you have done, Sam?" Lily pressed on. "You would have hurt him? For hurting her?"

Sam shook his head. "You loved him then, I wouldn't have hurt him, knowing it would hurt you."

"Please, Sam, let it go," Lily pleaded. "Robert is gone…just let it go."

Sam looked at Lily. "Catherine…she's still hurt, Lil, she's still hurt. You have no idea how hard it was to face her…she asked…"

"What?" Lily asked. "What did she ask you?"

"She asked me why I never took her away," Sam said, his face crumpling with guilt. "She asked me why she didn't have a good father like Nancy, why I left and never came back…"

Lily's cheeks flushed and her eyes widened. "What did you tell her?"

"I told her the truth," Sam said resignedly. "That as much as I wanted to take her, I couldn't because I know you fell in love with her just as I did and it would hurt you if I took her away. I couldn't do that, not to you. I wouldn't hurt you like that, Lil." He looked at her. "You were there, you know what happened."

Lily nodded. "Robert was having enough, he threatened to leave…I couldn't risk going back to you and be hurt again. I could live with loving you, but not getting hurt and losing you altogether. I could live with loving you from afar and thinking you loved me too. I told you to say goodbye to Catherine, leave and never come back…and you did."

Sam nodded, looking miserable and feeling just as miserable on the day he left Lily's house after saying goodbye to a sleeping Catherine. "I would have done anything for you. Even it took losing my only daughter."

"I'm sorry, Sam," Lily said softly. "I'm so sorry for pushing you, for taking our daughter away from you…for everything."

Sam gathered her into his arms. "It's over, we're a family again. We have Lindsey, we have Catherine…she will heal and she'll be all right, Lil. We're going to be a family. I promise. I won't allow her to be hurt again."

The tears escaped her olden eyes, but as she let herself feel the love of the man who held her heart for more years than she could count, she felt young again. Young and loved.

Yes, she thought, they were going to be a family again and Catherine was going to be okay.

-o0o-

Thoughts ran through Gil's mind as he tried to think of a proper way to asses the situation. He felt drained, exhausted and much craved the bed he had abandoned to what felt like a lifetime ago. In that bed he felt she was with him still, her scent tickling his senses and his dreams, luring him deeper and deeper until he was deep enough in sleep and dreams that he thought she really was there with him.

He had dreamt she was with him, giggling while she curled herself around him, purring almost like a cat after a nap and a playful kiss. It had been so real that he thought he was holding her once more, touching her, kissing her and laughing with her that when he woke up he felt his heart constrict when he found himself in a cold, empty bed, her pillow still clutched tight to him.

He wanted to go back and never let go, even if it meant to be forever in sleep as long as she was with him and he could hold her.

But that could never be. Nothing in the world or beyond it would grant him a wish so extravagant, so unreal and so impossible. It was simply childish he would wish, it was worst that he wished something so…basic story book, much like the ones he used to read to a small darling little spitfire that was his butterfly, Catherine's daughter.

He missed her, he missed her daughter—he missed them.

He thought her and what he had done and lost until his thoughts were shattered with, "Grissom?"

He looked up and realized he still had a captive two man audience in front of him. Two of the best he and Catherine trained: the Texan and the African-American, now looking at him expectantly.

"Catherine resigned and that's all I can and will say," he said easily, despising himself for having a lie so easily slip his lips. He wondered if this was what had become of him—a liar. His mother would have disgraced him so; she had raised him better than this.

Warrick looked unimpressed and obviously unsatisfied. "Yeah, that's what you, idiot Ecklie and McKeen said, but it doesn't feel right. You're hiding something, Griss and we want to know what."

Gil shook his head. "Warrick, this is not something I am allowed to discuss with you both as your supervisor and Catherine's friend."

_Bull,_ his mind snapped at him. _Friend, yeah right._

Nick shook his head. "Yeah, we get that. It's private, but Grissom, it's just not Catherine to leave without a goodbye of some sort. She would have said something."

"It wasn't planned," Gil said carefully. "It just happened." He wondered if his mother would approve of almost half truths. He figured not.

"We're worried, okay?" Warrick said. "If it's something big, if it's Lindsey, if she's sick then we want to help. We just need to know."

"It's not Lindsey and I assure you, she is not sick," Gil sighed. "It's out of my hands, I'm sorry. If you want you can go see her at her house or something, call her if not." He wondered if this was considered a lie if he already knew she wasn't going to be there.

"We tried calling her, she didn't pick up or call back," Nick said.

"Then that should tell you what she wants," Gil said softly. "Catherine will come back to see you or contact you if she wants, but please, don't push me into a corner. I don't want to betray Catherine and disrespect her decisions."

Warrick shook his head. "You're a load of crap, Griss."

"Rick," Nick said carefully.

"Nah," Warrick said, waving Nick aside as he looked at Gil. "Something's not right and you're hiding it. Catherine didn't pack up and leave for no reason. She wouldn't hide and disappear just like that. Something _made_her leave and I think you know, Grissom. Something happened and you don't want to tell us."

Nick looked at his boss who seemed surprisingly calm after being disrespected just like that. He had expected a blow up, a threat of suspension for insubordination, but he figured that was more Conrad Ecklie than Gil Grissom so he stared and waited instead.

_Something _made_her leave_, echoed in Grissom's mind and suddenly he felt himself grow cold. He wasn't prepared to face their anger yet, knowing that they would be when they find out the truth—Sara, the secret relationship, Catherine, the lies, the affair and everything else. He wasn't prepared for that, knowing theirs and his wounds were still fresh and raw.

"If something made her leave," Gil said as calm and as natural as he could. "Then I don't know. She didn't say and whatever rumor you might hear then it's up to you to believe. I still suggest you take this up with Catherine if you can find where she is."

Warrick stared at Gil. "You really don't know where she is?"

Gil shook his head, "No I don't." A thought occurred to him. "Who gave them the idea I would do that to Catherine?"

Nick threw Warrick a cautious glance. This was the hard part. Melissa had said two names, but one of those names was sure to set him off. It was a no brainer whose name would that be. Warrick shrugged as to say, _He's going to find out anyway_.

Nick let out a soft hiss. "Well, it's…kinda complicated, Griss."

Gil raised an eyebrow. "Either you know where she got it or you don't."

"We do," Nick said, hating Warrick for letting him handle this when it was his rant in the first place. He was supposed to be the good, calm guy, right? Good cop, bad cop?

"Well?"

Nick pursed his lips before blurting out, "Ecklie. And McKeen."

They watched as Gil's eyes widened and waited for the worst to come.

Nothing.

Until Gil sighed, "Conrad is an ass," he said simply. "It's up to you who you want to believe. It's a case of 'he said, he said' and you decide who is lying and who's not. As for McKeen, he sees what Conrad wants him to see."

Warrick shook his head. "He's a jackass, he's a load of crap—no one's going to believe him."

Gil smirked. "And the reason you came here is...?"

Nick grinned, glad to have a calm conversation than an 'I'll-kill-Ecklie' rant. Good cop.

Warrick shrugged. "I had to make sure it was true…she sounded so damn sure of herself."

"'Truth is beautiful without doubt, but so are lies'," Gil recited in his deep tenor.

Nick raised an eyebrow. "Not BillyShakespeare."

Warrick looked at Nick, his brows furrowed and Gil smirked, "_Billy_?"

Nick grinned. "William, Bill, Billy—you know."

Gil smiled and shook his head. "Ralph Waldo Emerson."

Warrick shook his head, "So you're telling us Ecklie is lying? Why the heck would he waste his breath on that?"

Nick shrugged. "Ecklie is Ecklie. Who knows?"

Gil folded his hands together, "I'm not saying anything. You believe what you believe, judge for yourself. Like I said, 'he said, he said'—you choose which 'he'."

Warrick sighed, rubbing his head and his curls. "This sucks."

Nick nodded. "Ecklie sucks."

Gil shrugged nonchalantly. "Politicians are liars in thousand dollar suits."

Warrick grinned. "Don't think baldy Ecklie can shell out that much for those crummy suits of his."

"At least not yet," Nick said. "Wait 'til he's Mayor."

Warrick groaned. "If that happens, I'm skipping town."

Nick nodded and raised a hand in agreement. "Same here, bro. Ecklie running Vegas should be illegal or something."

Gil smirked. "As long as he's out of the lab, I'm fine." He shrugged. "If he becomes Mayor then it'll take him off our backs easy. He can schmooze and frolic with the other stuffy suits. He was a born politician, much to his mother's chagrin."

Nick laughed. "You know Ecklie's mom?"

Gil smiled mischievously. "No, not personally. I heard them on the phone once. She's not so big on politics and bit his head off for schmoozing with the Mayor and everyone. She lives in Henderson, you know."

Warrick shuddered. "Hard to imagine a woman giving birth to that guy."

"Euh," Nick groaned. "Pure evil, poor Missus Ecklie."

Gil chuckled. "You never know. 'Pure evil', as you eloquently put it, Nicky, don't just happen. They're made and usually, the only thing they fear are the ones who made them."

They all chuckled and Nick checked his watch. "Almost time for shift. Time to gear up."

Gil nodded. "We've got work tonight. Full load, seems Vegas is in its prime."

They all tried not to cringe, knowing they might be short for the night without Catherine, but it was evident on all their faces the thought had crossed their minds.

Nick nodded. "We'll be on the look out," he said as he was once more somber. "Hell, I'm tempted to put out an official BOLO for her car and all that. Maybe Brass will help."

Warrick shrugged. "How about a search party instead?"

Gil nodded, accepting their grief. "If you do find her…" he bent his head and focused on the papers on his desk to avoid eye contact. "Tell her to come back. Tell her the lab needs her… _we_ need her."

That was as close as he would dare indicating he missed her and if they knew how to read between the lines, and he was sure they knew, they would know what he was trying to say. With a nod and not one word more, the men left and Gil was left once more with his thoughts.

"Where are you, Catherine?"

The only answer he got was the hollow, almost haunting, silence of his office.

-o0o0o0o-

Catherine had heard the sounds of horses whinnying and hooves stomping on the ground. At first she thought she was dreaming she was back home and Nancy was playing with the horses again, but when it all sounded too real the reality—her new reality came back to her in a flash. She wasn't home in Montana; she was in Sam's house with her mother and her daughter, trying to act like family.

She had woken up just in time to not be late for work, but now that she was jobless, waking up seemed pointless now. Catherine groaned and wished she could go back to sleep.

But being Catherine, nothing ever came easy for her, not even sleep.

Easing out of bed, feeling rested now; she went to her window and saw her daughter on a beautiful black horse. She was in full gear—riding clothes, helmet and boots. Lindsey looked perfect as if she had been riding her whole life.

The horse she rode on resembled her old friend, Oasis, and a rush of memories long forgotten threatened to comeback. Catherine shook her head and slammed the door on those memories, knowing it wouldn't do her good. It was enough how she broke down in front of her father, the man who was more like a stranger than her own blood, to break down once more for something that happened too long ago seemed foolish to her now.

Instead she watched her daughter ride, her dark hair—hair like her father's—was pulled in a neat ponytail and tucked in her riding helmet securely. Her smile, bright enough for Catherine to see from her second story bedroom, showed just how happy she was. Catherine saw the happiness in her daughter's face and felt she knew how much she was loving and enjoying her experience. She had felt it too, riding Oasis for the very first time while her 'Uncle' Sam watched with her mother.

Catherine remembered that day well. She was still so much a kid, nearing eleven and excited. Her father and Nancy had gone out that day to town. Maybe for ice cream or for new toys and clothes, but Catherine never knew. Her dad always took her sister out and her mother took her out, and that was the way it always was as far as Catherine could remember.

She never noticed her Uncle Sam only came when her dad was out with Nancy or when at work, all she knew was he was a good friend of mom's who came from a place called Las Vegas where the city _never_ slept (she had giggled and called Uncle Sam a liar when he told her) and where beautiful toys, dolls, candies and chocolates and doll houses came from. Uncle Sam always had something for Catherine, a fact that she was happy about for her own father never bought her anything.

When Catherine was small, she always wished that her Uncle Sam would be her dad someday. She wished each and every night, not knowing that one day her wish would come true—and that she wasn't going to be happy about it.

One day, Uncle Sam had come with a truck following behind his always shiny car. Catherine was out in the back of the house, petting the horses her father had forbid her to touch or ride. She loved horses and wished she'd had one of her own, one that her dad wouldn't be able to stop her from riding and touching. Uncle Sam had made that wish come true that day.

The truck was big and white and it had holes at the top sides. Catherine had come running from the back of the house to the front, just in time to see her mother talking with her uncle, gesturing wildly and looking angry. She didn't care and ran anyway and called to her uncle.

Like always, he had turned to her with a smile, her mother instantly forgotten as his favorite girl jumped into his arms, almost tackling him with her tight hug around his neck. He had skipped a few visits and she had missed him.

"_I've been busy,"_ he had said as she looked at him with a pout.

She pouted more. _"Too busy for your Mugs?"_

He laughed. _"No, of course not, Mugs, you're my favorite girl." _He leaned close to her ear to whisper a secret and she leaned in with a grin, knowing it was going to be just between them._ "I was preparing a surprise for you."_

Her eyes grew wide and noticed the big truck, in her haste she had managed to miss the enormous vehicle. She squirmed to get off his arms and ran around the truck, trying to reach the much too high holes.

"_What's in there?" _she asked, tugging on his button down shirt.

"_You'll see, it's a surprise,"_ he whispered as two men came to the end of the truck.

Catherine had stood on her uncle's expensive and shiny boots, getting stains, dust and scratches on them. But Sam didn't care as he held her securely against him with her facing front and he walked easily, but carefully, careful not to topple them both to the ground. She had laughed and giggled as she always did when he began to walk with her.

In her excitement, she hadn't noticed her mother's silence and her angry face.

Sam nodded at the men and they opened the truck, revealing Catherine's wish come true. Her eyes grew wide and she gripped her uncle's hands tight as she gasped.

"_He's _huge_!"_ Catherine had squealed as she stared up the giant before her. She wondered if it was bigger than Sam.

Sam chuckled. _"Yeah, he is. And he's yours."_

Catherine jumped off his feet and at the same time turned to him. _"Really?"_

Nodding, Sam pulled out a piece of paper that looked filled with words that Catherine didn't care to read. _"Says right here he's three years old and he needs a great owner and a nice home. I figured Montana might just be the place. Don't you think so?"_

Squealing, Catherine jumped into his arms again and said, _"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, Uncle Sam! I love you!"_

"_I love you too, Mugs."_

She hadn't seen the happiness on his face, the gleam in his eyes or the way he held her close to him like he didn't want to let go. She didn't see the joy she gave him and the love that was all for her. To her, in her eleven year old mind, he was only her uncle.

The rest of the day was spent in the riding area of the ranch, Catherine learning to ride better from her uncle while her mother watched: the fear, the joy, the anger and the sadness all in her eyes. Catherine hadn't seen those as well, all she saw was the smile on her mother's face.

She hadn't seen the look of anger on her father's face or the hate in his eyes when he came home to find her uncle still in their house or the fear in her mother's or the defiance on her uncle's. She had excitedly pulled a confused Nancy out back to show her what her uncle had bought her from Vegas.

That night, after tucking her in, Uncle Sam promised to return for more lessons the next day, her father went to bed without dinner and her mother spent the night in silence. Nancy had cried and wished she too had her very own horse like her big sister.

It was memories like that that left Catherine feeling both sad and angry at her father, knowing those memories had been wasted in some way. They could have been better, she knew, had she known then he was her father. They could have been catalogued and marked as special, unforgettable days, but instead they were just memories of the man who was her mother's friend, her uncle who came for the visits that always seemed magical to her as a child.

Catherine shook her head, realizing she was still staring at her daughter. She had been lost once more in the past and now that she looked back, she saw what she missed as a child. The tension, the anger, the fear and uneasiness—it was all there.

She had always wondered and wished she knew why her dad never seem to want her, why her mother always succumbed to her father and why her uncle never saw or bought Nancy anything like he did her. Now she was old enough and knew, she wished she could return—back to when she was still an innocent, when she didn't know and was still wishing each night after a prayer and before closing her eyes to sleep.

Yes, for Catherine, it was always better in the past.

-o0o0o0o-

A big thank you to CathWillows (the best video wiz for Grillows on YouTube) for Robert Flynn. Love you, Cat!

Okay, too much Sam and Lily, I know…that's why I double posted! Go check out Chapter 11, but first…try to find the cute little purple button and drop me a line and tell me what you think! Come on, reviews mean chappies!

All work and no reviews make ifer a dull girl! Teehee…


	11. Chapter 11

Hardest Thing

By: iferleigh

Rating: T (just in case)

Disclaimer: The ones you know aren't mine and the ones you don't know are mine.

Note: As promised.

Warning: GSR. One sided, to please you.

-o0o-

Chapter Eleven: The Living, the Dead and a Night with Ben and Jerry

The silent, but determined steps of her boots didn't attract attention as much as her aura and demeanor. Her face was screwed in a look of anger and fury. She was late and she was upset—enough reasons to part the halls of the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Her hair was down, as always, and looked frizzled still from her shower. Her hands were clenched at her side, as if ready to sock anyone who stood in her way. Yes, this was a bad day.

She found them in the break room, quiet for once without the usual chatters and small talks before assignments were handed out. The television was on mute, the game console was off and only the silent hum of the coffee pot was the only thing to be heard. She came in, instantly feeling the somberness that seemed to be in the air around them itself.

Only Nick looked up when she came in, nodding at her before offering her the empty seat next to him on the table. She sat down.

"Hey, what's going on?" she asked as she sat down, noting that Warrick seemed to be asleep, with his head on his folded arms on the table and Greg was busy staring at the depths of his coffee mug filled with his beloved Blue Hawaiian.

Nick shrugged. "Griss is gonna be handing out assignments, but it turns out we got more than we can handle tonight. Short handed."

"So where is he?" she asked. "He's not in his office."

"Talking with Ecklie," Nick said without looking at her, but instead at the muted television currently showing the Las Vegas news. "Talking 'bout the new replacement."

One eyebrow arched questioningly. "What replacement? For Catherine? That was fast."

Nick nodded, "Yeah, she hasn't even handed in her formal resignation. Ecklie and Grissom are talking about possible replacements. I heard Wendy wants to try getting out in the field."

"We'll be shorthanded in the lab then," she stated the obvious.

"Yeah," Nick said. "That's what they're talking about now."

Before she could reply, Gil strode in, holding a folder out, followed in by Wendy Simms who was looking nervous and quite out of place. His face was of stone, but she saw the telltale signs of tiredness and lack of a good sleep. She had been prepared to blast him tonight, but seeing him; her anger melted away and was replaced by worry.

"Nick, you have a 419 in a place called Grizzly Wizzly and Sara a DB on the new club Ricochet, suspicious circs," Gil said automatically, handing out the pieces of paper. "Greg, you have a hit and run on The Strip near Planet Hollywood and Warrick you have a murder in a motel called Dolphin Alley, bring Wendy with you. I have a murder in Mushu. An arson case will be handed to the on call member of the day shift."

He moved to leave the room, but Warrick, staring at a nervously smiling Wendy, said, "What? Wait Griss, hold on!"

Gil stopped and turned around. "Problem?"

"Wendy's replacing Cath? Already?" Warrick asked with disbelief. "No offense, it's got nothing to do with you," Warrick said quickly to Wendy who nodded.

"Ecklie and McKeen think it's for the best and Wendy needs training if she wants to pass her proficiency tests," Gil said as if he was discussing the weather on a normal day.

"What about Wendy's spot? Aren't we going to be short in the lab?" Greg asked, remembering his bittersweet journey to being a CSI. He had gone through a lot of lab tech applicants before actually getting out.

Gil shook his head. "No, we have a new DNA tech. Jessica Lang, Ecklie recruited her." He turned to Wendy, who was still looking out of place. "You already know what you have to do, Wendy. Good luck and I hope you do well."

Nick raised his eyebrows. "How did they get a new lab tech so fast?"

Gil shrugged. "I don't know, Conrad said she applied for Days but since Wendy applied for the field, we're short. She got the spot."

Nick and Warrick looked at each other, knowingly.

"What's going on around here?" Warrick asked suspiciously.

Gil sighed. "I don't know, Warrick, and frankly I don't care. Just stay out of it, alright? We're already short, we can't lose another one."

With that, he walked out, leaving everyone in the biting air of tension. The three men looked at each other, silently wondering what was going on. Wendy was standing by the doors waiting.

Sara left the room, tossing a "See you at the car in ten, Nick," over her shoulder as she followed after their supervisor. She was determined once more, thinking Catherine might be gone, but it didn't mean she was going to allow him to close himself up once more.

They needed to talk.

-o0o-

Gil was already inside his office, grabbing his keys and his kit with him when she came in and shut the door behind her. He prepared himself for the worst. He expected screaming then a lot of groveling from her part then his respectively.

"We need to talk."

Ah, the four words most men, if not all, despised. Even though he should have, he didn't expect that. He sighed and forced himself to turn and face her. Like the man he was supposed to be.

What he saw almost stopped his heart dead cold. There stood Catherine, in a pair of dark tight trousers and a yellow top. He liked yellow on her—he told her so—and he did like all the other colors on her as well, but he had told her only after she insisted it was a 'disgusting' color and she hated wearing it. She then told him he was 'full of crap' and took off the said shirt, tossing it to him and pulled him onto her bed with a laugh.

He stared at her, his mouth hanging open.

"Close your mouth," she said as she strode in, smiling mischievously as she sat on the chair across of him, crossing her legs and smiling at him seductively.

He did so, but didn't say anything.

"Well don't look so shocked," she said with a laugh, tossing her hair back. "So you got me fired, big deal. Sara's about to find out what you did, she'll get over it. You'll probably lose your career for sleeping with two women—from the same shift, might I add—who are both your subordinates, except, ahem, I rank higher than her, but so what, right? It happens. Ecklie will have a fiesta over this and you'll wind up old, alone then maybe dead with your little bug friends. Eh, circle of life, you're used to it, but what about me, Gil?"

He swallowed, but apparently, he was still too shocked to say anything.

She pouted at him. "What about me? What am I supposed to do now?" She grinned. "Wait, I think I know _why_ you did _it_."

"What?" he managed to choke out, wondering what the hell was going on and why she seemed too okay with the whole situation when she should be beating him to a bloody pulp.

"I know why you did it," Catherine said with a shrug. "Men," she sighed, rolling her eyes before training them back on him. "You got me fired so I'll go back to the French Palace, huh, Gil?"

"What?" he asked incredulously. "No, no, Catherine, I wouldn't do that! I wouldn't…I-I love you."

She let out a laugh that almost sounded hysterical. "Love? What do you know about love Gil? You got it on with Sara then slept with me, got me fired, didn't even bother to come after me, mope around like you're the victim, slept on _my_ bed without **me**and lied to everyone!" she snorted in a very unladylike way. "Love _and _life, Gil. If and when that day comes when you know what love and life really is, is the day I'll fall into your arms and die a happy death."

_She's lost her mind, _he thought, panicking. _And it's all my fault._

"Catherine," he let out hoarsely. "I love you, I do! I'm sorry for everything."

"You're always sorry," she said exasperatedly, throwing her arms up in the air. "Someone dies, you're sorry. Someone gets in deep shit, you're sorry. Someone haves sex with you, you're sorry. You sleep with Sara, you're sorry. I love you like hell, you're sorry. I _sleep _with _you_, you're sorry. Come on, Gil baby, when are you _not_ sorry?"

"I'm not sorry," he said softly, looking into her usually bright blue eyes—bright like when she was high—and took a deep breath. "For loving you…"

She laughs. "Gil, honey," she said, standing up and walking around his desk to look at him. She bent at the waist, her hand poised on the arm of his chair for support and her hand resting on his cheek. She smiled at him, "If you wanted to see me dance on a pole naked, all you had to do was ask. I'd say having me fired to get me back to the Palace then telling me you love Sara then later you love me is just a _tad_ bit stretching it."

In the back of his mind, it registered that her hand was usually cold—her hands were always warm on his skin—and that he couldn't feel her breath on his face when he should at such close proximity.

He tried to grab her hand as it left his face, but he found he couldn't move. _What the hell?_

She walked away, her hips taunting him as she sauntered away from him. "I love you, Gil, but since you want Sara more…she's all yours."

And before he could react, she turned to him with blood beginning to pool around the front of her shirt, the deep red crimson staining the cheery yellow of her clothes.

"Goodbye, Gil," she said with a sad smile, seemingly unaware of her injury.

"Catherine!"

"_Gil!"_

Gil snapped his eyes open, breathing heavily when he turned to see Sara standing on the same spot Catherine—or dream Catherine—occupied not too long ago. She stood with her arms crossed over her chest and her shoulder tensed, much too different from dream Catherine's relaxed stance.

He looked around wildly, realizing he had been standing in front of his desk, holding the paperweight he had taken from Catherine's office in one hand and his other clutching his kit like a vise. He looked back to Sara, his eyes wide and with cold sweat trickling down the sides of his face.

"What?" Sara asked, softer this time. "You look like you'd seen a ghost."

He swallowed, "Didn't I?"

She smirked. "It's just me so if I'm dead and didn't know it, you tell me."

He shook his head. "What-what are you doing here?"

She shut the door behind her. "You didn't come home and just know I was calling you for like two minutes and you weren't responding. God, I thought you'd lost your hearing again."

He shook his head. "I'm fine. Get to your case, Sara. I have my own."

She shrugged, but made no attempt to come close. "Gil, we understand what you're feeling. We feel it too. The guys miss her and I do too. We understand if you want to be alone, but please don't close yourself off like this."

Gil hardened his face and placed the paperweight back down onto his desk. "I don't miss her, Sara. I don't miss Catherine."

She raised an eyebrow. "Really?" she asked. "Cause, we weren't best friends or anything close, but I miss her presence. She was one of a kind. What more for you, her best friend?"

He grimaced at the label and tried not to scream out. He was getting delusional, he was sure of it—imagining Catherine there when she really wasn't, hearing things he shouldn't. "I'm fine, Sara. Catherine just decided to move on," he knew that wasn't a total lie, she was gone and didn't want to be found—that was moving on, right? "If she's happy then I'm happy for her."

She sighed. "Fine, Gil, but don't think for a second we're going to let you get on like this. Eventually, you are going to have to talk to someone. I'm here."

He shrugged and refused to look at her, afraid to chance let her see the lies and guilt he was sure was written on his face. "I'm fine."

He was sure that was going to be his mantra until everyone would get off his back—he hoped that would be soon. Apart from Jim, he refused to shame himself with anyone else, especially not Sara, of all people.

"Yes, you are," she said softly. "But you can't always be fine, Gil, you don't have to all the time."

Gil sighed. "Please, Sara, just…leave me alone and get on with your case. The dead are waiting."

"But you're alive, Gil," she said. "The living are more important than the dead. The dead can wait."

He thought of Catherine, how she was no longer in his life, how she disappeared and left him because he made her, because he hurt her with Sara. "I'm already dead" was his soft whisper when Sara turned away and left as he had asked.

"I'm already dead."

-o0o-

Catherine straightened up her clothes, pulled her hair once more in a ponytail and put on socks then sneakers. Lindsey was still riding with her trainer, Monica, who, from what Catherine observed, was blonde, had a pretty smile and seemed to be just a bit taller than her daughter. She had nothing to do and after her little moment with Sam, she was ready to lose herself and forget what had happened. She thought about riding for the day, but she wasn't so sure now.

The last horse she ever rode was Oasis on that unforgettable day. After that, she never rode again, afraid that after it happened once, it would happen again. She was afraid that if she ever rode again, the horse would be hurt and she would have to be punished again by her guilt and conscience. She still hadn't gotten over Oasis' death.

She still felt the painful jolt that came after she discharged the shotgun, the look in the animal's eyes as she aimed it at him, how he seemed to be begging her not to do it. She still remembered how the soft raindrops felt as the drizzling rain fell onto her flushed cheeks and the weight of the shotgun in her hands. She remembered it all too well still and she was still running from it all, not sure what she was running from exactly, but still, running.

Sighing, she pulled her self together and steeled herself. Today she was going to _try_ to ride.

She walked away from the French doors and passed her bed, spotting her phone on the end and she stopped. She contemplated checking if she had messages, but the feelings that she felt when she heard the messages from everyone came back and she decided she didn't have to put herself through that today. She had had enough for now.

Picking up her phone and tossing it farther on her bed, she immediately left her room without looking back.

Catherine was relieved she didn't encounter anyone as she made her way down the house to the back where Lindsey and her trainer was, all the while thinking how lonely it must have been for Sam after his sons moved out and before Lily moved in. It was such a big house and so empty aside from the help Sam hired to keep the place spotless. She thought maybe this was the reason why the casino mogul never seemed to want to come home. The casinos he ran were his home.

He reminded her eerily of the man she was forcing herself to forget.

She passed the enormous kitchen and found it odd that no one at all was inside. She was starting to feel as if ghosts were running the house. She shook herself and thought maybe she was losing her mind for real this time.

She found herself in the back of the house then, watching with a small smile as Lindsey laughed when Byron whinnied and moved a few steps back. She was far enough to hear, but not near enough to be noticed immediately. For now, she would just watch.

"Your parents left for a dinner out in the town," a voice said, making Catherine jump, her hand landing on her chest.

"Oh," Catherine said, turning to see a smiling Marina who was looking at her.

"Oh, sorry, didn't mean to scare you," Marina said with a chuckle.

Catherine smiled. "No, it's fine. I was just—" she looked at Lindsey who was listening to her trainer, watching her every move as she rode a different white horse. "She looks so happy."

"Yes, because she is happy, Miss Catherine," Marina said. "Darling child, the moment she won that little agreement, she wanted nothing more than to ride all day, every day."

Catherine smiled. "I can imagine she would be like that."

"Sam said you were like that when you had your first horse," Marina commented.

Catherine looked at the older woman, wondering just how much did she know about her life. She wondered if it was possible that Sam Braun would actually entrust his secrets with someone like Marina. She wanted to ask, but decided it wasn't the time nor the place so she said instead, "I was worst than that. I wanted to ride _forever_."

Marina smiled wider. "Children and horses, games and parents. We always want something to last forever, don't we?"

Catherine nodded, "Yes, there's always something." She sighed and shook her head, turning back to Lindsey and her trainer. "You were saying about my mom and—Sam?"

Until now she wasn't sure what to call him, though a voice in her head to call him Sam was just fine, but then now that she was in his house with her mother and daughter, it didn't feel quite so normal. But then again, when have the Brauns ever been normal?

"Oh, they decided to go out for tonight," Marina said. "Miss Lily was a little upset and Sam wanted to cheer her up. Miss Lily wanted to take you and Miss Lindsey along, but you were asleep and our father didn't want to wake you and your daughter was adamant about extending lessons to this afternoon while you slept. She wants to have dinner with you tonight."

"Girls' Night," Catherine said, remembering their 'mom and me' time before Lindsey decided it was time to grow up and be with girls her age and paint the town red. Not that she ever did of course.

"Pardon me, dear?"

Catherine smiled. "Oh, uh, Linds and I used to spend Saturday nights together at home with scary movies, food and ice cream. That was before…teen years: puberty, music, boys and girlfriends."

Marina smiled. "Well, you could do that tonight. Sam and Miss Lily aren't here and they'll be out for a while. It's a nice night for you two to bond and have fun."

Catherine looked at Lindsey before smiling wide and nodding, "Yeah, great idea. Thank you, Marina." She stopped. "But could you…"

"Come inside and we'll get everything ready," Marina said with a smile.

Catherine nodded, glancing at Lindsey one more time before heading back into the house and followed Marina. She decided she liked the old woman.

-o0o-

Gil drove to Mushu with his mind swimming. Thoughts were flooding his mind, memories and fleeting thoughts. The condemning voice in his head was getting stronger. They were blaming him for his carelessness, for his stupidity. They were screaming at him, screaming because he drove Catherine away and hurt her because he lied about Sara.

_She's gone and it's all your fault! You're a coward, you're pathetic! She's gone and you're here moping like she left you when you really drove her away! What were you thinking? Did you really expect she would stick around while you continue your little act with Sara? Coward! Did you think she would stick around after you screwed her and then told her you loved someone else? Idiot! She's gone and don't you _dare_ cry about it because you did this to yourself, to Catherine and yes, Gilbert, to Sara as well._

_What are you going to do when Miss Harvard finds out you cheated on her? With Catherine Willows, your 'best friend' and right hand, of all people, Gilbert. What are you going to do? What are you going to say? You gonna tell her you love Catherine? Like you did not too long ago? We've been acting like an idiot for weeks now, what's another lifetime? What are you going to do, Gilbert? What?_

_You pushed Catherine to run…_

_Are you going to hurt Sara enough to make her run as well?_

_Great job, Gilbert, welcome to the world of the living._

"I'd rather go back to the world of the dead," he muttered as he drove. He groaned. "Oh, great, Gil. Now you're talking to yourself? God, what's next, a straight jacket?"

He groaned when his phone started to ring. "Grissom."

"Hey, Casanova," came a very amused voice. "Where are you? We're waiting here, so rumple those sheets—with whoever owns those sheets—later. Right now we have a dead sous chef here."

"Brass," came Gil's warning tone.

He heard a chuckle. "Yeah, yeah, fine. You're on your way, all right. See you later, Casanova."

"Don't call me that!" Gil growled.

"Sure thing, Casanova," Brass said then hung up.

Seething, Gil threw his phone aside. "Last time I ever tell you anything."

Guys are idiots, he concluded as he kept driving.

-o0o-

Catherine smiled happily as she looked at everything she had set up in a matter of two hours. Her bedroom—looking much more like a suite now—was ready for their night. She would surprise Lindsey and she hoped she would love it.

Pillows were piled on Catherine's bed, along with Lindsey's stuffed butterfly and favorite pillow. Night clothes were laid on the end of Catherine's bed and a pile of scary movies and chick flicks stood next to the television in front of the bed. Chips, cans of sodas and chocolates were at the ready while the Ben and Jerry's waited downstairs in the kitchen.

It was much like their old Girls' Night only this was a bit more glamorous and Catherine was pleased. Living with Sam Braun, the perks just kept coming.

Catherine stomped back the screaming voice in her head, telling her she was turning into a Braun, something and someone she always despised and never wanted to be.

"Mom?" called Lindsey as she neared the bedroom.

Catherine waited, seating herself on her bed and waited.

"Mommy?"

"In here, Lindsey," she said in a normal voice.

"Mom we—" Lindsey stopped when she saw her mother's bedroom. "Whoa."

"Hey, Linds," Catherine said, smiling at the look of awe and surprise on her daughter's face.

Lindsey looked around. "What's going on?"

Catherine stood up, smiling as she walked towards her daughter as she stood on her doorway. "Your grandma and grandpa went out for tonight so I thought we could," she shrugged. "Have a Girls' Night, just the two of us."

Lindsey shrieked and threw her arms around Catherine's neck. "Ooh, cool! At first I thought you were going to pig-out alone or something! Yeah! That's so awesome!"

"Yes then," Catherine said with a laugh as she hugged her daughter tight. It felt good to hold her again without fearing she might pull away.

"Of course!" Lindsey said happily as she pulled back. "What about Ben and Jerry?"

Catherine smiled mischievously, "What would a Girls' Night be without Ben and Jerry? It's downstairs in the kitchen."

Lindsey squealed. "Ooh! Yay!"

"But dinner first," Catherine said as she lead her daughter out of the room. "We'll choose a movie while eating or something."

Lindsey smiled and grabbed hold onto her mother's arm, holding it to her body. "This is really great, mom. Thank you."

Catherine was surprise, but mentally slapped herself for that. Lindsey was a good child, what did she expect? She hugged Lindsey once more and thought, teenage mood swings. "No need to thank me, sweetie, I owe you probably hundreds of this now. Let me make it up to you while I still can, okay?"

Lindsey smiled. "You don't owe me, mom, you can never owe me. You gave me everything, you still keep giving. That's enough."

Catherine felt tears in her eyes. "Oh, Lindsey, when did you grow up?"

Lindsey rolled her eyes. "Moooom."

Catherine laughed. "Ah, there's my teenager. All right, all right. I'm sorry. Come on, let's have dinner. I had Marina pull in some favors for us in the kitchen."

Lindsey grinned. "Oh mom, you were so made for this."

Catherine tried not to show her discomfort on hearing that from her daughter. The screaming voices were getting louder so she said, in defiance and answer to her daughter, "Maybe I am."

Mother and daughter shared a laugh as they headed for dinner. Tonight was going to be their night to try and make up for the nights they missed once too many times in the last few years.

-o0o-

Gil sat in his vehicle for a few minutes. The crime scene was in front of him and for some reason, he didn't feel like going in. He felt like driving away, far, far away from everyone and everything he ever did. The guilt was still there, but the hurt was stronger.

He saw Brass talking to someone else not too far, his little notepad held in hand as he wrote information down. The yellow tape was quite visible, glaring at him as if taunting him to come in, pass it and work alone.

_Alone._

Now he felt he had a new meaning for that word. Not too long ago, alone could have meant alone_ with _Catherine, but now that was never going to happen again. He still missed her, even more so it seemed now that he was alone.

Taking a deep breath, he reached for his phone again. She was gone, but it didn't mean he should stop trying.

He wasn't surprised to get her voicemail. "Catherine, it's me, Gil…I-I hate how we—Cath, it's not suppose to be this way. I'm so sorry…for everything. Where are you, Catherine? We're all worried about you and…" he stopped and took another breath. "I miss you, Catherine. And I need to talk to you. Please, call me back. At least let me know you're safe. Please, Catherine. I miss you."

Sighing, he hung up and stared at his phone, willing it to ring and deliver her voice to him. He missed her and now, alone in his vehicle, he wasn't afraid to admit that. He missed her.

He was waiting for a ring when someone suddenly tapped on his window. Looking up, he saw a grinning Jim Brass. "Hey, you okay in there or are you still counting ducks?"

Gil rolled his eyes and grabbed his keys and popped the trunk. Glaring at his friend, he pushed the door open. "It's not funny, Jim."

Brass grinned. "Well, from where I'm standing, it looks funny to me."

Muttering, Gil walked to the back of his Denali and grabbed his kit.

"So, what happened?" Brass asked, sounding almost _too_ eager. "Catherine kicked you out? Threw a book at you? What?"

"She left," Gil said simply.

"What do you mean 'she left'?"

"I mean, Jim, that she's gone," Gil snapped. "She left CSI, left her house and took Lindsey. Where? I don't know so don't ask me. I didn't find her, couldn't."

"Wait, wait," Brass said. "What do you mean she left and took Lindsey?"

"I went to her house," Gil said, stopping just in front of the tape. "I looked around and her clothes and Lindsey's are missing. Some important stuff and jewelry too. She took what was important and left, I think. She's never been back since."

"Where would she go?" Brass asked.

"I don't know," Gil said with a hint of defeat. "I don't know, Jim…"

Brass sighed. "Man, Gil, this is some deep shit for you."

"Thanks for reminding me, Jim," Gil said dryly.

Brass shook his head. "Gil…"

"We cross this tape and any talk of Catherine is done, all right?" Gil said, motioning to the crime scene. "I got work to do."

"Yeah, yeah, but you can't hide behind that tape for the rest of your life, Gil," Brass said seriously. "Sooner or later you will have to deal with this and Catherine."

Gil nodded, "I always thought the day I'd die I'd be working, on a crime scene maybe so…you never know, right, Jim?"

Brass groaned. "You are annoying when you're being morbid. Idiot, it's not your time to die yet. Catherine still owes you some ass kicking. So do I, but I'm banking on it. For now."

"Stop calling me idiot!" Gil snapped.

"Retract your claws, Grissom," Brass said, shaking his head. "If you keep losing it like that I won't let you work a case. You're too on the edge, you can't work. Besides, I'm the only guy you can talk to so I would watch if I were you."

Without a word, Gil crossed the tape, lifting it and going into the restaurant without looking back. Brass turned to an officer, "Keep an eye on him."

Nodding, the young officer left and retraced Gil's steps. Brass followed and took out his phone. He got voicemail, no surprises there. "Hey, kid, heard about you. What happened? Hell, I know Ecklie can be an ass, but quitting just seems like a stretch, even for you, beautiful. When you get this message or when you finish screening your calls, call me back. It's hell without you."

Tucking his phone in his pocket, Brass went into the scene, hoping she would call him back at least. Without her, he knew Gil was going to snap and when that happens he had a feeling it wasn't going to be fun to watch.

-o0o0o0o-

Here you go! You reviewed 10 now 11 because I kept my promise! See? Double post! You're happy, right? Let me know! Reviews are much, much wanted!

Spoilers:

Will be jumping soon and yeah, the new character will be coming soon and we get a look into Catherine's new world when she encounters some people again from way back as Sam Braun's daughter this time. Will Sam's world welcome her with open arms?

And Gil faces his new world without Catherine and deals with pushing farther and farther away from a confused Sara and deals with stresses with handling a team without Catherine's help. Coming soon: One of the team members is driven to find out the truth.

LOL now that should please you, right? Lots to look forward to!

Note: Ooh, I have a poll on my pro for this fic:

**How would you rather Gil and Catherine meet again? **(you've got choices, but if you have unique answers of your own PM me. I'd be glad to hear ideas and opinions!)


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